---

She looked uneasy and glanced furtively around as she walked toward me. I knew who she was looking for and I also knew that he isn't here. She sat down opposite me and forced a smile. I can't even stand to look at her afraid that she'll taint me. Afraid that I'd become like her! I wanted to walk out, not only walk out but run from her. It hurts me just to look at her. I don't even know her anymore. Her eyes look red and puffy. I knew that her eyes get puffy when she didn't get enough sleep. And I remember that most of the time she was either too tired from being too scared to sleep or didn't sleep afraid that her dreams may betray her. As worn out and ragged as she looks you get the sense that she is always on guard. You can see it in her eyes and in her body how it's perpetually poised in that flight or fight position. How can anyone live like that! She looked furtively around the room again not seeing what she was looking for she relaxed just a little bit. She wore no make up or jewelry, her clothes looked disheveled and out of date. How many years had she gone without updating her wardrobe? Last time I checked it was two years without so much as a new pair of shoes, a blouse or even a pair of slacks. A small sacrifice to make but not for him! I wanted to reach over and slap her. I've never felt such intense anger and animosity. The level of which rivals what I feel toward him. "Look at you, how can you be so stupid and weak!" I wanted to scream and berate her. "You deserve better and you even knew it!" I wanted to reach over and shake her. I wanted to know. I needed to know "Why didn't you leave! Why did you stay so long! Why!! I searched her face and looked into her eyes and felt nothing but pity and compassion. I remember everything; the tears she cried should have created a river that delivered her from him but instead she chose to stay and tread water. The suffering, heartache and humiliation should have killed her but yet she lives. I wonder if there is enough glue or love in the world to mend her shattered heart. I know full well all that she endured. But no longer remember or understand why she chose to endure it. I remember the answers she gave and the excuses she made. They made sense at the time but not anymore. It's been almost six months since I last saw her. I left her on that desert mountain and drove off into the setting sun. I haven't looked back since, well not much until now. So much has happened since then. I wonder if she would believe me if I told her that all her fears were unfounded? That we should have left after the first week or month or even year but not after three and a half years! After all this time I still feel I had to know "why" before I can move on. Today, I came here searching for answers that I thought only she can give voice. But I realize that not only did I leave her on the mountain that day but I also left the excuses and the pain. I realize, as a good friend of mine so aptly put it, "His hands are no longer around my your throat". I found my voice and I have choices. I can chose to stay and remain tied to the past or accept the lessons learned and forge ahead. I came to this place tucked neatly between past and future looking for answers. The only plausible answer is; the door to the past is closed; forgive but don't ever forget and sometimes the end justifies the means.

---