So now lets move on to the REAL RECIPE that all you good students have been waiting for. Actually, this is going to be a stealth recipe because Im gonna hide it within the text to make sure that no skip ahead smarty pants catch on to our clever little trick!! SO - for the REAL CHEESECAKE RECIPE, youre gonna need, three French hens, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear - WHOOPS!! Wrong Recipe Page!! (Thats my little Christmas Surprise Special I send to people that mail me concrete fruit cakes!) Hmmm - dum di dum - (flip, flip, flip) - Aha!! Here we go - Cheesecake!!! For the crust, youll need 1 1/2 cups of graham cracker crumbs, 1/4 cup melted butter, and optionally, 1/2 cup white sugar. And before any crybabies start whining about the boring graham cracker crust, well talk about variations later. Besides, I like the traditional graham cracker crust - and its my recipe, so I get to pick! And for the cheesecake itself, youll need 4 - 8 ounce bricks of cream cheese, 1 - 14 ounce can of sweetened condensed milk, (Eagle Brand arriving stage left trailed by paparazzi,) 1/4 cup heavy whipping cream, 1 1/2 cups white sugar, 3 tablespoons all-purpose flour, 5 whole eggs, 2 egg yolks, (and no I dont know what to do with the extra 2 egg whites so dont ask,) and optionally, 1 tablespoon of vanilla. Now that weve got everything together, lets start with the preparations. Get out the springform pan, carefully insert the bottom into the cylindrical side, and snap the latch securely shut. Now open the latch and do it right this time!!! Good! Now get the aluminum foil and wrap the outside of the pan securely in case you STILL didnt put the idiot thing together correctly, (and to outwit Mr. Murphy!!) Drag out the casserole dish for the water bath so its ready to go. By the way, the dish I use is one that was liberated from Miss DNAs kitchen and is just the right size for the cheesecake pan. However, while cruising through the number two Wal-Mart on my block, I ran across a really cool aluminum foil disposable roaster pan that was both the right size and had raised ridges on the bottom. It really looked perfect and the price was two for 99 cents!! (Even my budget could stand that! Of course, Id still try to get THE Boss to buy it for me - or better yet, just loan me his credit card!! Hes got one of those black Centurion thingies - THE Boss is disgustingly rich!) Finally, put a folded dishtowel in the bottom of the casserole dish, (or roaster,) fill up the teapot with water, dash into the living room, snatch the TV remote, and lead your baying labor force back to the kitchen! Preheat your oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit or 175 degrees Celsius. By the way, as soon as Im elected President, Im gonna put a stop to all this measurement nonsense - including the Fahrenheit/Celsius mess. Zero degrees Meredith will be the temperature of my feet and 100 degrees Meredith will be the temperature of the rest of me! Itll be really easy to understand!! First well make the crust. There are two ways to approach this. You can buy regular graham crackers and crush them up to get 1 1/2 cups of crumbs. To do this, youll need at least two full boxes. Thats about 15 to 20 crackers for the crust and the rest to eat while laboring over the crushing. (All executive chefs are required by law to snack while cooking - check the Constitution!) The other alternative is to just buy a box of the exact same graham crackers that are already nicely crushed up and save yourself all the trouble - and the calories! (I like the one from the cute little Keebler tree elves.) If you are determined to crush your own, bust them up by hand first, then crush them up with your food processor or blender. If you dont have a food processor, or if your food processor of choice has found the remote and returned to the TV, then put the crackers in a heavy plastic bag and attack it with a rolling pin. Leave the bag slightly unsealed to let out the air as you roll and crush the crackers. (This is obviously something best left to the labor part of your team - go steal the remote again!) After the crumbs have been crushed, (either by your male or the elves,) dump them in a mixing bowl. Now its time for decision number 1. Do you add sugar or not? I personally have never found anything too sweet for me, (you know - sweets for the sweet,) so I dump in the 1/2 cup of white sugar. Some stick-in-the-muds think this is too sweet, so if you are one of those people then leave out the sugar. For melting the butter I found this perfect little one cup size metal measuring cup at my favorite cooking supply house, (that would be Miss DNAs kitchen.) Spoon out the butter, (and yes - USE BUTTER!) and then just set the little pan on the smallest burner of your stove top on LOW heat and stir constantly until melted, (perfect male assignment.) You can also use a plastic or glass cup and try nuking the butter in the microwave. This never seems to work very well for me. Either the butter is still a brick or the smoke alarm is going off! Im going to resist the temptation to do a detailed explanation of why butter doesnt melt very well in the microwave. Just remember microwaves heat up water - not fat!! Well save our discussion of polarized and non-polarized molecules and their response to microwave radiation for another Chez Meredith discussion. Hmmm - I think I'll do an M Column about it instead! Once its melted, dump it in with the crumbs, (and sugar,) and mix it up to coat the crumbs. Then dump the whole mix in the bottom of the springform pan. Pack it tightly together on the bottom with your hands so that it doesnt float up into the cheesecake. You can also use a flat bottom tumbler to smush it down. Decision number 2 - some people also like crumbs on the side. Actually, I kind of like them, too, but Ive never had a lot of luck with making them STAY on the side. It seems like some part always collapses just as I pour in the cheesecake. Ive tried pre-baking the crust a little to make it stay on the sides, but then the crust usually ends up overcooked - and it still usually collapses. And Ive trying chilling the crust to solidify the butter, but it still tends to crumble. SO - I threw in the towel and just put crumbs on the bottom. If you figure out a FOOL PROOF way of doing this - and you tell me - then well be friends for life! If you figure it out and DONT tell me - then your new neighbors will be the wombats! AND - before I get any helpful suggestion e-mails from GUYS - NO - Im not going to try making the crumbs stick to the side with duct tape and/or WD-40!!! If you are a traditionalist and perfectly happy with a graham cracker crust, you can skip the next part - its my concession to all the dessert radicals and wannabes! NO - you dont have to use graham crackers. You can use just about any crushed up cookies. Ive tried it with vanilla wafers, Oreos with the stuff scraped out, (which needless to say, said stuff didnt go to waste,) sugar cookies, butter cookies, shortbread cookies, etc. I even got an e-mail that suggested crushed Sugar Frosted Flakes! I havent tried that one yet, but it might have possibilities! I think just about anything that is not too gooey would work, so experiment all you want. Let me know if you come up with something really cool! By the way, Ive tried it with peanut butter and with crushed almonds but they were both too gooey to make a decent crust so they ended up mixed into the cheesecake bottom layer - which wasnt all that bad! Im gonna experiment with the almonds some more when I add amaretto to the cheesecake. By the way, even though amaretto has an almond like taste, it is actually made from peach pits!! Whod uh thunk it?? OK - now with the crust prepared, its time to prepare the cream cheese. Well assume that your male has recovered his strength from the foot rub and is now primed for creaming the cream cheese. This is probably about the right time to start the tea pot of water to heating for the water bath. Remember that it needs to be boiling. If you dont have a hot to trot male handy, you can put the cheese in an electric mixer on low speed and blend it until its smooth. Dont over do it and whip in a bunch of air! The best way is to just dump it in a mixing bowl and let your male mush it smooth with a wooden spoon! Watch him carefully so he doesnt get too violent and incorporate a lot of air! Its always best to ride close herd on those big testosterone fired muscles!!! While hes getting the cheese smooth and creamy, dump the flour and sugar into another mixing bowl and whisk it to make sure that the flour doesnt lump together. If you want to make a chocolate cheesecake using dry cocoa, mix it in with the rest of the dry stuff. You can also chocalatize it by adding melting chocolate after its all mixed together. Once the cheese is nice and creamy, add the dry ingredient, and then the wet ingredients to the cheese mixing bowl. Time for decision 3. I like adding the vanilla, but some people insist of leaving it out. (Everyone is entitled to their own faulty wrong opinions!) Even if you started with the electric mixer instead of a convenient male, finish the mixing by hand. Make sure that you scrape everything down from the sides of the bowl with a rubber spatula. All those little grains will come back to haunt you if you dont get them mixed in properly. Be careful while mixing so that you avoid getting air into the mix! When you are done the mix should be creamy, smooth, and have a high gloss! If you want to add melted chocolate, fruits, candies, cookies, etc. this is the time to gently fold them in. Now carefully pour the mix into the springform pan and place the pan on the towel in the glass casserole dish, (or aluminum roaster pan thingie,) and finally put the whole assembly on the middle rack of your oven. Once it is all securely stashed on the rack, carefully pour the boiling water from the tea pot into the casserole dish to complete the water bath. You cheesecake is going to need to bask away at its little bathing ritual for between an hour and an hour and a half, but youll need to check on it at about 45 minutes, particularly for the first time with your oven. Even assuming that your oven temperature control isnt lying to you, each oven is still going to cook differently. This is because temperature isnt really what oven baking is all about. Heat transfer is what really counts and heat is different than temperature! This is one of the consequences of getting recipes from a Digital Person that is not only a gorgeous sexy blond and obviously a superb executive chef, but also a dirty hands engineer that really paid attention when taking thermodynamics!! To better understand whats going on, think about a tank of water with two pipes coming out of the bottom - a small one and a large one. If you open the valves on both of them, the water comes out at the same pressure since they are both fed by the same reservoir source, but the AMOUNT of water coming out of the big pipe is a lot greater than out of the smaller one. The water pressure is like temperature and the volume of water is like heat. If your oven has a big heat pipe then it is going to supply more heat than an oven with a tiny heat pipe. There are lots of factors that determine how rapidly your oven can transfer heat from the electric coils in the bottom to the food - or from the gas burner, or nuclear reactor, or whatever else you are using to cook with! The volume of the oven, the size of the heating coils, the type dish, even the inside color of the oven all have effects. Convection ovens cook faster than traditional ovens by adding a fan to swirl the hot air around inside to more quickly transfer the heat from the hot air to the food. This sometimes also can lead to very dried out food because all that super hot desert air can take away moisture quickly. In our case, we are slowing down the heat transfer and making it very uniform with the water bath. Thats why its going to take longer to cook with the water bath than if you just put the cheesecake on the rack. So you want to check on everything at about 45 minutes. First, make sure that your water level hasnt dropped significantly. Youll probably need to add some more boiling water - and make sure it is BOILING!! Adding cold water is going to thermally shock your cheesecake and its going to scream bloody murder and crack open like Grand Canyon!! And as promised, here is the secret to Merediths little doneness cheat method! (I love little cheats!) I use a metal steak cooking thermometer to check the temperature of the cheesecake! (This is why I couldnt tell you about this earlier - cheesecakes like all rational things are very sensitive about being probed!) Always take your measurements right in the middle. When its done, the middle will still be soft and the evidence of your probing wont show up! My target point is 160 degrees Fahrenheit or 70 degrees Celsius. Because the water bath is helping to stabilize the heat flow to the cheesecake, the temperature will rise pretty slowly. Until youve got some experience, start checking at 45 minutes and then every 10 minutes. Keep track of the total time for the next cheesecake and you wont have to check it as often. Once it reaches 160 degrees, turn off the oven and let it set in the oven for another hour to set the cheesecake. This additional warm cooling period with the addition of the water bath insures that your cheesecake was slowly and smoothly warmed and then cooled - and that should keep it from cracking and give it a divine creamy and even texture. While the cheesecake is baking away we need to make decision number 4. My traditional recipe calls for another little food rub at this point although a sweet little neck, shoulder, and back massage is a nice variation. However you choose to pass the time, make sure to set the kitchen timer so you dont overcook your cheesecake while you float heavenly off in la-la-land!! Once the cheesecake has cooled down, do the knife bit around the edge and let it chill overnight in the fridge. Do the knife bit again the next day and then lift off the springform pan sides. You can use a hot wet knife to smooth out the edges if needed. You can also TRY mushing additional graham cracker crumbs into the side. Ive never had much luck with this - it never does look right for me. To cut it, I fill up a tumbler with hot water, rest the knife blade inside to warm it up, quickly dry the knife and make a cut - then back to the hot water for the next cut. Keep the knife hot and wiped dry and clean and youll make perfect cuts!!! Ill do another recipe later about a lot of variations to our basic cheesecake, but this thing has already gotten ridiculously long! However, if youve stayed with me to the bitter end - and have completed your lab work by successfully cooking a fabulous Chez Meredith Cheesecake - then you are now an official graduate of Meredith Cheesecake University and should be accorded all rights and privileges associated with the honor!!! Love, Meredith PS - Ill look into getting some Cheesecake U. alumni tee shirts, etc. made for MeredithMart so you can inform the world that you are now a cheesecake person of substance!!

I've made this one ( thanks Meredith!!!) it's really Fabulous!!!! Everyone at work Loved it!!!!

Are you talking about cheese cake or men?

Oh what a tasty posting with this delicious CHEESE CAKE recipe! Even I prefer meat this cheese cake sounds very palatably! I think I have to try this one on Friday evening! I'm not a good cook so I have Saturday and Sunday off for recovery! LOL

Wow! Amazing amount of work to share this! Wonderful!

I agree, a lot of work went into this! Thank you. And great recipie...!

Thanks Meredith, this looks great! time to get cooking :)

The only problem I have with this is my oven does not have a thermostat so I can only set it on "unbearably hot" (and switch off halfway through) or "so hot it melts everything within a two foot radius of the oven". So, can you adapt this recipe so maybe I could cook the cheesecake on a campfire on the beach?

I trust the 1st comment recipe more, but must admit I got much enjoyemnt and laughs from the main post, fun and creative writing at its very best Meredith!!! . . . Kitty litter, do not let my doggie know, or she will eat it all!

Ooooh...sounds sooo tasty! Always wondered how to cook one without the cracking and cut one without making a mess...that alone is worth it. Haven't tried this recipe before, but I've done a few from the Hershey's cookbook that turned out ok (save the cracking...which between friends isn't a big deal...it still tastes awesome! lol) Thanks for sharing this though...can't wait to try it out. :)

Ohhh, Meredith!!! How many creative idea and energy!!!!!!!!!

Excellently done work!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ooooooo, adding the chocolate was the perfect touch! ;) Bravo!

Wonderful work my friend....!!!

My dear meredith !!!! I just spend 45 minuts fro translate in french all your words !!!! LOL and yes, you writing a lotttttttttttttttttttt Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha, but it's for that I like you !!! For your CHEESE CAKE RECIPE: INGREDIENTS: 27 boxes graham crackers 13 dozen eggs 15 pound bag all purpose flour 7 quarts confetti 1 1/2 quarts red glitter 5 pound bag kitty litter 1 industrial strength weed-eater 1 dance tutu, pale pink or lilac preferred 5 gallons super glue 1 soundtrack to Saturday Night Fever 1 lawn sprinkler, underground preferred I want to make a little restification, yessssssss... you froget something very important : 50 happiness smile :DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD But now, what I make with my graham crackers? I just to buy it :((( Thanks my dear for this Infamous Cheesecake Recipe history and good dayyyyyyyyyyyy and hugssssssssssss :)

Meredith, you have written a lot of funny things, but I almost fell out of my chair laughing at this!!!! The picture of someone strutting across the lawn just cracks me up!! When I hit the bowling ball and ground squirrels line I thought someone would have to call 911 to haul me away! You've got the wickedest humor I've ever seen! I'll have to give the stealth recipe a try and you've got that sort of Dave Barry sort of free wheeling mentality! This is an instant classic!!!

ummmm will elmer's glue work too ? i'm kinda alergic to crazy glue hehee haaa! great recipe btw. lmaohugs

I was doing fine until decision number 4. What food gets rubbed? Since this is all about cheesecake, I'll assume that you want us to massage the cheesecake at this point? At 160 degrees, I decided to protect my pinkies with oven mits but the cheesecake got smeared and stuck all over the mits.. what am I doing wrong? Great recipe Mere. Don't mind me, but I'll stick with cupcakes. They are a lot easier to prepare. Just open the wrapper and insert into mouth. Bite and chew. Much more simple for my little brain to grasp. Oh.. and don't forget to swallow. Cool posting.. gives new meaning to the term ART. Hugs from Dave :^)

since being a single guy, don't offen get the chance to bake, but will save the recipe for future use.lol steve

they should definatly hire you on the food network ....!! lol thanks for the recipie my kids father loves it secod to only gingerbread and i will have to print this one out !!!... hugs sent your way .... lol you crack me up!!

as always your talent for the written word is outstanding.eat your heart out "Larry the Cable Guy"!!!

LMAO at the cheaters ! O.K. I read all of this humorous but informative recipe, I can't wait to help Mum make it and then gobble up all the proceeds ( and mistakes !). You know, you really should be a writer...I know you wanna be a pilot, so how about the "The Flying Pink-Naked Chef", dropping recipe books from great heights on cheaters heads. Thanx for the tips & giggles ! ~Cheers~

Ohhh, my ribs ache from laughing! My mother used to make cheezecakes. She was always experimenting on flavors. One day she accidently mistook the wrong bottle in the pantry for vanilla, it was hydrogen peroxide. Unfortunately she didn't realize it until she had given the cakes to my nephew and his wife. They raved about the great tatse (but maybe they were peroxideaholics, who knows?) and they weren't hurt any. I'd give your recipe a try but I hate to bake anything. actually, I hate to cook. :)

I would give your recipe a try, but I can't stand cheescake ... I guess it's something you either love or you hate ....still good recipe , but i think i'll stick to chocolate lol.....

I never expected to hear in my lifetime the terms "cheesecake" and "foot rub" used together. now I know better...

First, of all I only have an angel food cake pan with a removeable center and the bottom that separates and a 1-1/2 inch high pebble grain cake pan with the little radial zipper that cuts out the bottom after baking. Second, my firebrick oven has heat and does not know nothing about temperature. The temperature of the ionosphere is in the thousands of degrees but there is no mass. So I cook with mass and can cook an eyedropper full of this stuff as accurately as a garbage can full. You just have to use a Barbi fire brick oven and allow for the difference in surface area as the volume changes.

"Snatch the remote?" That's hitting way below the belt!!! Somebody get a rope!! LOL! This is the funniest thing I've read in a long time! You are one cazy lady and should definitely be wriitng professionally. Is there an agent in the house? Thanks for the laugh!

VEry funny stuff Merideth

Wow this cheese cake sounds so tasty Meredith, I love the ingredients you used and I can't wait to make this style of cheesecake!!! It looks like you put a lot of effort into making this yummy cheesecake recipe!!! Excellent job Meredith!!! Hugsss Frankie ^_^

Thank you for share this sweetie!!!! A big kiss for you!!!!!!