Wasted Life? by Etherealmistress
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Description
I wrote this today, hoping that reading it back every day would make me knuckle down and get on with life, rather than let it drift by without me doing all the things I always said I would do. I have so many ideas of things to make and do…just don't seem to be able to get on with them.
Motivation…if anyone knows where I can get some…I would be most welcome…;-)
If anyone out there feels like this…even sometimes, or perhaps this was how you were and you changed. Any comments would be welcome. I feel at home enough in this community to post this and leave myself open you’re your replies. Thank you in advance for anything you post.
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Am I wasting my life?
Here I am, been given the chances some never have.
Wonderful partner who has let me stay at home,
Not for me the drudgery of 9-5 work, oh no.
I have the chance to spend all day creating as I always wanted,
So why is it that there is not much to show for all this time?
Morning comes…still snuggled in bed I hear,
The parting words from my beloved as he leaves for work.
‘Now what is your job?’ we smile at each other,
Giving the answer together ‘To have a nice day’.
Hmm, a nice day…the bed is so warm, so comfy,
I burrow further under the covers for a few more minutes.
An hour later I wake again,
Gone is the early start once again, and I drag myself out of bed.
Cursing my laziness as I wipe the sleep from my eyes,
What is wrong with me that I can’t get going at the start of the day?
‘I never was a morning person I think’, as I head for the bathroom,
Get myself washed and dressed and ready to begin creating.
So many distractions…
Into the living room, the television gets switched on out of habit.
I sit eating breakfast; the sounds and pictures pulse, washing over me.
I look smugly at the chat shows, shouting people with fractured lives,
At least I am not like them. But what would others think of my life?
An hour gone by, the friendly box in the corner feels a bit sinister now.
Time to get on…
Oh, I know…before I start there’s something I must do.
‘I’ll just check my e-mails quickly, before I get going’
I smile at a kind comment on a photograph, posted the day before.
‘I created, and someone liked what I did’ I feel fleeting gratification,
But I know that a photo isn’t the kind of creating I had once planned to do.
What’s your dream?
I was asked once in a chat with a friend at my old dreary job.
‘To have the chance to spend all day creating my art,
Then sell it in a little shop, and not have to do a job all day that
I don’t enjoy.’ A wistful smile at the chances it would happen.
But here I am, my dream come true…so why do I waste the chance?
More distractions…
A computer game, one where I am the hero (is there any other kind?)
Yes, no longer a middle-aged, over weight woman…lacking motivation.
A proud hunter stands on the screen before me, off on another quest!
To gain rewards untold, fight evil and gain the respect of her fellows.
But when I press exit, only I am left…with nothing to show for the time.
Where has the time gone?
Nothing done yet, nothing created…nothing to show for my time.
I scurry around; do the washing up…put a load of washing on,
At least I have done something today; I shall put them on my list.
But I know I am only lying to myself…I have wasted my day again,
How many days must pass me by before I get my self in gear?
How many days do I have left?
I know from past experience that life can be cut short without warning.
Some years ago my stepmother died suddenly, without any warning,
A brain hemorrhage put her in hospital…within days she was gone.
I vowed then not to waste life, to grab it with both hands and try,
To live each day as if it were my last…never wasting the time I had.
It didn’t last long…
This resolve of mine faded within a week, is it possible to live that way?
Sometimes I think of those less fortunate…handicapped, diseased…
Watch them on the tv, making the most of their lives against the odds.
I am inspired, yet why doesn’t this feeling stay with me? the determination,
To be all that I can be, to do all I can do, it always fades away again.
I enrolled in a course.
You know, one of those correspondence ones…no deadlines,
I signed up in January, but I haven’t sent in my first assignment yet.
Am I afraid of failing…of being told I am just not good enough?
People have responded kindly to my writing on here in the past,
So why aren’t I getting stuck in, is it self-doubt…or just sloth?
Am I pathetic?
Kind reader, if you have managed to read down this far…please tell me.
Am I worthless, a lesser being for not taking advantage of what I have?
Should I be scorned for my lack of motivation, in the face of chances given?
Or is the way I am, the way so many of us have become in today’s society.
Give it to me straight, both barrels as it were, any advice is welcome,
Am I wasting my life?
Comments (5)
fochs
No your not wasting your life. Everyone does what one can. no matter what. if you can do more...then do it. Not everyone can be a Armstrong, Spitz, or Powell. Hell, i hate the mornings, but when my alarm goes off, i get up and start a day that drives me nuts, but gets me one day closer to home. Dont look at you life as a waste, no life is a waste. look at it as a the saying goes, a journey of many steps, just take one, then another and another and you can get thru it. Do what you can, dont worry about what you cant. and you will find life very enjoyable no matter the surroundings. Hooah?
auntietk
Oooooohhhh. She asked for feedback and advice. Straight drug hit for auntietk, right to the bloodstream! Well, let's see . . . I just looked at your gallery, and I would guess you've been home for about four months. Everyone is different - maybe that's about how much time you needed to detox from working every day. Maybe you need more. Maybe your internal struggle has reached a point where you're really done with detox and need some help taking your next step in life. I have a good friend who recently retired, with every intention of moving on to something she loves. She's finding, after 2-1/2 months, that she really needed some down time before going back out into the world. Now she thinks maybe three months. I'm thinkin' maybe six or more! She worked every day for a lot of years! Give yourself a break. You're making a pretty big life adjustment, here! Every day, every day, every day, you and your husband reinforce the belief that your job is to have nice day. IS that your job? If so, then get behind it! Revel in late mornings, yelling at the TV, playing games, if that's what you find to be a nice day! You create your own reality. Why create something that doesn't support you? If you want something different, try saying something different in the morning when he leaves. What do you want to create? (I'm not talking about art - I'm talking about your life.) Find a different mantra. "My job is to have a nice day" sounds lovely, but if you want to get anything done, you might want to change that! If you're unfamiliar with the concept of affirmations, spend a little time looking it up - I'm sure you'll find loads of information. (And if you think affirmations don't work, check your results! You ARE having "nice" days!) If you really do feel moved to be more productive, perhaps you need some external structure. A schedule. Rules. Don't make it too hard on yourself, though! Make small changes, one at a time - you'll have a greater chance of success. Perhaps one rule would be that you learn to stop turning on the TV. Maybe eat your breakfast in front of the computer, using that time to make comments and answer e-mails and read notes. When the food is gone, open an art program and start in! If you want to make it a habit to be more productive, you have to FORM habits that support that. And no, I don't think you're wasting your life. I think you're learning valuable lessons about yourself, and that's NEVER a waste of time! Life is a process, not an event. What are you noticing about yourself? What do you like? What do you find annoying? What pisses you off? YOU are your own co-worker now! Remember all the times you wished you could change somebody you worked with? Well . . . . . this is your chance! :) There's an awful lot of "shoulds" in what you wrote. Spend some time with those - where did they come from? Who do they belong to? Which of them serves you, and which only serve as tools to beat yourself up? Don't worry about opening a shop and being a "successful" artist. Keep that image in your mind, by all means. I'm not saying I think you should give up on your dream. Picture yourself doing that, and then take care of today. Saying "aaahh! I didn't post anything today! I'm never going to have my own shop!" will just make you crazy. Fochs is right (he's the guy who commented first, in case you've forgotten in all my blah blah!) One step at a time. One success at a time. Be creative, and pay attention. Sometimes life hands you opportunities that don't look exactly like what you thought you wanted. Make choices based on what YOU want, not on what you think other people think you should be doing, and you'll do just fine! I admire you for putting your issue out there for everyone to see. Sounds like you're ready to make a change! I hope you get lots of good advice, many points of view. Mine is not the only one! Then take all that advice, and do as you darn well please!
NothingNess
As Auntjetk said maybe you needed sometime to detox from the 9-5 stint. Don't be too hard on yourself. You're very lucky that you don't have to work in order to make ends meet. Most people would kill to have that oppotunity. Make the most of your time. Do for yourself the things you always wanted. Cling to your dream. Set yourself small goals and meet them. But also do for others. If you feel you've got too much time on your hands, or if you feel you're not being productive enough get into doing volunteer work. Best of luck to you.
alhak
i know it a good thing to have time out after working so hard..i did! but then i got bored and needed to be around lots of people again and it,s great but every now and then i have days/weeks where i feel like you do. the day gets away on me before i even start it, lack of energy and no enthusiasm and what i to have to get done seems so hard. I suffer from depression, not too bad thankfully, but bad enough for me not to be ME... If in time you still feel the same, take my advice and go talk to your doctor or a friend who can help you. There is no shame in feeling this way, it's just something that happens....My next upload is a view on my experience with it. i was just looking in the Writers section to see if it was suitable to put here and started readings yours..all the best to you
Wolfspirit
Opinions, here is one, when I read this, I thought this woman is writing my life "Laughs Aloud" minus the cereal for breakfast and the TV, I do not watch TV, movies yes, but no TV. Anyhow, what is my dream, my dream could never come close to my reality, and that is fantastic. My life is fantastic, as yours. Your question is, are you wasting your life? My answer is, I do not know, I know my answers to my life, and no I am not wasting my life, as for you, you have all the answers to your questions within yourself. Ask yourself, who or what would you be without the thought, am I wasting my life?