July 12, 2009 Dear Self, As of today, I am twenty years old. The thoughts in my head are the same thoughts that go through my head every year: inward murmurs on how strange it seems that I’m the age that I am, and how quickly I got here. But today – the first day of a new decade in my life – things seem even more surreal. The only thing I can think is that if someone had told me when I was thirteen or fourteen that I would be here now, I’d have laughed and told them they were crazy. But here I am. After everything, here I am. Nothing has stopped me. Not even I have stopped me. There have been obstacles and hurtles, trials and tribulations, losses, tears, heartbreaks – but never, never have I fallen. Not once have I really and truly given up. Oh, the thought has crossed my mind…it’s been a temptation, and I’ve pondered the thought. Yet never, not ever, have I let myself fall that far. It’s a very reassuring feeling, a very satisfying feeling, to know that failure is not defeat. I know deep within my heart of hearts that times may get me down and I may struggle to pull myself up, but things won’t be that way forever. Surviving all that I have and managing to stand strong has been a driving force to always remind me that no matter how bad things are, they have been and can be worse. I’ll be the first one to admit that right now, everything isn’t okay. But that isn’t the important part. The important part is to remember that even though things may not be okay right now, they will be eventually. It may take a while, and things may get even worse – but eventually, everything will be okay. As I sit here today and write this, as I’ve done so many years before, the thought strikes me that though the circumstances may be slightly different, nothing ever really changes. There are always joys, and there are always pains, no matter what age you happen to be. And just like all those years before this very day, I stand by the fact that despite its flaws and troubles, life is so exquisitely beautiful. The beauty is so vast that merely a portion of it is enough to bring tears to my eyes. Perhaps the pain and the strife makes those simple, gorgeous things even more remarkable. Even the smallest things…the love I have for my family and friends. Love itself. What existence can lack beauty, if it is plentiful in love? -sigh- My thoughts are all jumbled today. I’m all over the place. What else is new though, honestly? There are so many things I want to say, to so many people, but I either lack the courage or vocabulary to ever really express all that I feel. I guess today…on my twentieth birthday…all in all, I feel especially thankful. Thankful for my friends, my family, the people who love me and the people that I love more than words can ever possibly do justice. Yes, you know, things aren’t perfect. Things sort of suck at the moment, most of the time. But those little sucky things are the small things in the grand picture. I mean really. I have an amazing mother and brother, an amazing boyfriend…the big family I always wanted, compiled of friends that mean the world to me. I’m feeling comfortable in my own skin, okay with myself for the most part. Really…what more could I ask for? I can’t think of a damn thing. Happy Birthday to me. May I stand strong as a woman, and never let that little girl in my heart die. Till next time, as ever, -Summer, age 20