that who was me... by ShadowsNTime
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Description
that who was me...
life has a unique way of kicking one in the teeth and the shock waves run thru the body and leave one spent and unsure, dangling on a precipe of what now...fear settles in and the light begins to fade...when first you looked into my eyes you saw the light, when you look now do you see that its gone...that its been replaced by dark and forboding, thats 'me' now, the light has gone out and I no longer care, no longer dream or wish or think or love...the abyss has swallowed that who was me, I no longer know who I am, and no longer care, strength has gone, emptiness reigns supreme...
you knew me before, you loved me then, do you know me now and do you love me still...no matter...nothing can touch who I have become, steel walls, no penetration, alone in the dark, wondering if I should just give in...there would be no pain, no heartache, nothing but deep empty darkness, nothing, nothing, nothing...
and nothing has become welcome in my life, shutting down now, no reason to remain, can't think, can't feel, can't be, the abyss has swallowed that who was me...I no longer know who I was, and no longer care, strength has gone, emptiness reigns supreme...
no more tears, no more smiles, no more asking please hear me, no more believing in what could be, only silence, only stillness, only alone, seems it was meant to be, leaving now, hope you see, it no longer matters, I am no longer me...I am no longer me...but at last I will be free...hello darkness, my only friend, goodbye me, the abyss has swallowed that who was me...I no longer know who I was, and no longer care, strength has gone, emptiness reigns supreme...
don't cry, don't miss me, don't feel you are to blame...its who I was that made the pain, I that made the darkness a welcome friend, I never really exsisted, I am in the dream, I hide within until the dark comes and cries welcome and now the abyss has swallowed that who was me...I no longer know who I was, and no longer care, strength has gone, emptiness reigns supreme...
sometimes the only way to survive is to welcome the dark, to let it all pass into the dark before light can come again...to bury what was, before light can come again...today I bury that which was, and I hope that I find me again...I hope that you will be there when the light finds its way, I hope that I will survive, be a brand new me, better, stronger, and that fullness then reigns supreme...but for now the abyss has swallowed that who was me...I no longer know who I was, and no longer care, strength has gone, emptiness reigns supreme...
Schizophrenia
a severe mental disorder characterized by some, but not necessarily all, of the following features: emotional blunting, intellectual deterioration, social isolation, disorganized speech and behavior, delusions, and hallucinations.
I work and live in a house where the people suffer from mental disorders, schizophrenia, bi polar, manic depressive and age related dementia. In an effort to try to better understand what happens with these people and to try to handle situations better, I have been trying to put myself in thier place, in effect to be them for just a little while. They tell me to talk to them on thier level, well how can I do that without understanding what thier level is? So I wrote this in the hopes that I would get feedback that would help me to help them and to help myself as well...this is not an easy place to live and I have been banging my head against a brick wall trying to be an authority figure but also someone they are comfortable with and do not feel that they have to attack or argue with constantly. Maybe I am on the wrong track here but the words seemed to me to be to some degree what one must go thru when they are not 'normal'. If I am way off base then please tell me your thoughts or what you go thru if this is you in any degree, email if you prefer. Please know I am not depressed, I only went to this place in my mind briefly for understanding...image is a capture from my camcorder..
This work is already in my gallery nearly at the end. It didn't occur to me then to put it in the writers gallery so I doing that now and updating a bit...Today has been a rough day and i felt the need to read it and remind myself of the reason I did it in the first place. The thing is tho, that when you live with this constantly and you are the soul person dealing with this it begins to wear on you. When it is almost constant confrontation and you are surrounded by the negativity 7/24 it begins draining the spirit and you feel as tho you are sinking...I know that down is always followed by up again but I have reached the limit with the down...Tanner was my escape from all this and before him were other animals but now with them all gone I am facing all this with no outlet and I am tired...tired of the abuse, tired of feeling sad and angry and alone...thats what it is here, I am alone, I thought I had backup in the maintenance guy but he didn't back me up today...I have no life in this place...Your thoughts and ideas are always valued so the question is, do I wait it out and try to make it here or do I quit my job and try to get out of this place. Thanks for reading and any comment you care to leave.
And thanks for previous comments and favs, I am trying to catch up:-)***sorry somehow some of the text was missing, I have fixed it now!***
Comments (23)
durleybeachbum
Gosh, Lynn! That's left me quite breathless! But like I said earlier, nothing stays the same.. In this country folk who do your job have supervisors or overseers or whatever, to whom they can turn for debriefing and support. It's shocking that you do not have such a figure.
drifterlee
Amzing work and information!
Rainastorm
Very heart wrenching my dear friend. I can so feel for what your saying...before I had to stop working full time after my divorce, I worked with Special Ed children at the elementary school near by as an Ed Tech 1. It was tough, because some of these kids did things they did not know what they were doing or why and could not control it even if they did. They said things, felt things acted in ways....all you wanted to do is hug them. I got particularly close to a little girl named Courtney, she was Autistic. I used to bring Bekah into my classroom (it was quite small) and we'd play, just cuz. Oh I miss her so much. I am not familiar with adults with disorders, but I sure can see it hurts just as bad, and makes for a long day when even the slightest thing goes a rye. Hang in there my friend...you know someone here is thinking of you always. Hugs for you. :-)
magnus073
Hi Lynn, this is so powerful and thoughtfully approached my friend. In your email to me earlier you went over this and I'll answer you in more detail there.
sandra46
superb and intriguing! bravo!!!!
clbsmiley
Mind blowing Lynn. I am glad you are not there. I have a friend whose daughter is Bi polar and she rides a rollercoaster of emotions, and cannot keep a job for long. She has three children.... who my friend their grandmother deals with all concerning them. and watches them most of the the time. Mental disease is a tough thing to deal with. You can only help as much as your mind and body will let you... You may need to move to another such situation ie home and work if this one is too much to deal with and you have no backup... Any place is only as good as the workers not the management... it doesn't matter which type of business it is . hugs... :)
goodoleboy
OMG, at first I thought you yourself were in solitary confinement, but as I read further I see you are employed in a situation rife with despair and hopelessness among...inmates, I believe they are called, or is that term passe? Brings to mind the 1948 movie, The Snake Pit. As for feedback, I've been personally acquainted with individuals in the past who had the type mental illnesses you have described in your opus, but I don't want to reopen the scars of that sordid memory. Incidentally, who is that individual with the anguished/threatening expression, featured in the above image? Anyway, thanks for including me in your gallery of favorites. I do appreciate it, in large part because I can use all the support I can get.
auntietk
I remember when you posted this the first time, and the subsequent conversations we've had on this topic. It seems like years ago! You've been doing this work for a very long time, my friend. It's bound to wear on you. Please remember that there is no "why" when it comes to the mental disorders you are dealing with. I know you know that ... they say what they say, they do what they do, and there is no reason. Above all, there is no reason that has anything to do with YOU! I have been reminded lately that what other people think of me has everything to do with THEM, and very little to do with ME. When dealing with people with mental illness, that's a million times more true. Whatever they're doing is just whatever they're doing, and it isn't personal. It's nothing to do with you. You know all this ... I absolutely know I'm not telling you anything new. But when it starts to get to you, what you probably need is a little perspective. (That's what always helps me, so that's what you're getting! LOL!) You can't give and give without getting something in return, but you also can't expect to get what you need from the people you're giving to. Yes? That's what we're here for. There's no way I can know if it's time for you to leave or not ... only you can decide. But I hope you will take good care of yourself during this time. I know there's no Tanner, no little friends, but there are "secondary" things you can do. Something you love that feeds your soul ... Take good care, dear one. I'll be thinking of you, and sending loads of love and light your way. Yell if you need me!
MagikUnicorn
COOL CONCEPT :) HAITI Earthquake Impressive number of Replica...
flavia49
impressive text!! great!
helanker
OH! That was strong stuff. I have not much experience in such matter, but I can imagine, how much it demands of your own strength, how much it eats your energy, day by day working with schizophrenic people. I hope, that you soon will be able to deside what is best to do. HUGS Helle
emmecielle
Dear Lynn, your work is very heavy and difficult... I do not think I would be able to do it... it takes a lot of kindness, selflessness and competence! You're a great woman, Lynn... not fall into melancholy and depression... but you try to find someone to help you in this difficult mission! You are always in my heart, dear friend... I send you an affectionate hug and a big kiss! mc
jendellas
WOW Lynn, strong words, I have no experience with mental illness.!!! Please take care, xxxxxxx
beachzz
Lynn, I've only recently met you and know a bit of who you are. This is all new to me, but I understand a lot of it. The one thing I know for sure is you can't carry the load for everyone; sometimes you simply have to say, "I have enough, and can do no more". I had a very similar conversation with my sister not two hours ago. You have to take care of yourself. Please do that and know there are lots of us keeping you in our arms.
myrrhluz
I hope you are better today. To what I have already said, I want to add that your caring and giving spirit is very appreciated in this rr family. You are not alone. Write me anytime and I'll answer as quickly as my slow fingers can manage.
elfin12u
I'm sorry that you have to deal with this, and the work weighs heavy, but if not you, then who? Who out there has the huge and caring heart to accept and love everything for what they are, regardless and unconditionally, just because they are? You are not alone, and never have been since you joined here, that's one of the things I love so much about this community! These are powerful words, and gives a great perspective to a plight that most of us seldom come in contact with. If you ever would like to just talk, site mail me and let me know, I would be more than happy to actually hear your voice anyway. I'll give you my number, and you can take it from there. Regardless as to how you proceed, I'm sending you an electronic hug, please take good care, you are always in our thoughts and prayers! XXXXXXXXX Dave
elfin14doaks
Incredibly powerful. Give me a holler if you need to.
npauling
This is very heart wrenching Lynn and you seem to have reached a time in your life where you need to make choices. I do hope you can get help to make the right one for you. It must be very hard to live all the time with these people but I am sure there will be light at the end of the tunnel you can see today.
JaneEden
I agree with Andrea in the UK you would get lots of support from various persons there for that reason, you should not have to do this alone. For what it is worth I admire you tremendously for how you try to help others so seflessly, and especially as you have health problems yourself, your really are one brave kind lady. Maybe it is time to leave for your own health sake, but that is only my opinion. I am for the first time in my life finding some me time and I am beginning to like it, and it will in time help my health issues too, but it is difficult if you are or were meant to be a carer in this life. warm hugs Jane xx
anahata.c
you know how I felt about this & I still feel your struggle & pain. It's wonderful to read what everyone has said, Andrea's point is so poignant, as is Jane's follow up (and she's been through a lot too), and Tara's words about mental illness & care, etc etc. You've elicited a lot of heart here, and I'm so glad. Your sense of being inside the schizophrenic mind is powerful; and your sense that you're emptied from it (and other things) is powerful too. I can only say that I truly think you're at a crossroads, that something is calling you, and I think you'll be making a change in the coming months. How, what, where you'll know; and whether it's internal, external, you'll know in time too. But I think you've come to an end of something, and above all I wish you peace and lots of blessings, because the life of a carer as some have said is very hard. God, it'd be great if we could be the "boddhisatva who hears the pain of the world": He had the luxury of eternity & buddhist silence to keep him whole. We, on the other hand, are thrust into the middle of it all, and have to find the peace. I wish you vision & peace as you through this. Blessings be with you in this path now, Lynn, I wish you light dawning each day...
Alex_Antonov
Outstanding work!
nikolais
Dear Lynn, every now and then we are at crossroads and this is what life is about, as there's no straight road wherever we go. We are just a sum of decisions we have made but it's your past and there's a whole lot more for us to decide which road to take and where to turn. And all of them are our lives, your life... I have seen many who were in much worse situations, especially because someone else suffered, too dear to them, and they could not do anything about that... Whatever happens, life must go on and, bearing this in mind, you must find power to make your choice, the only right choice.I am sure you can and I feel for you... Remember that this year is only beginning. Big hug. Nikolay P.S. And thank you so much for your good wishes for the New 2010.
orig_buggy
lol...very nice!