The Cane Mutiny by CoreyBlack
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Description
I can't remember when I started walking with a cane, but I think it was about a year ago. After nearly half of a century of devil-may-care, accident-prone living, I began to suffer from what Daryl Hannah's character so aptly described in Blade Runner as "accelerated decrepitude."
I believe that inanimate objects have feelings and respond to the overall moods of their owners. I also think that some objects have personality disorders and a nasty sense of humor. This explains why a lot of electronic gadgets never work when you actually need them to. Sometimes, you can almost envision all of those billions of microchips out there plotting among themselves and snickering at us. I think my cane suspected right away that I resented it and took my hostility personally. Not long after I bought it, it started trying to run away. I noticed that it would never be where I left it and I had to constantly search the entire house to find it. There was a palpable feeling in the air that it was hiding from me.
Then, it developed an attitude problem. Whenever I propped it up against a wall or the like, it would automatically fall over and force me to bend down and pick it up. It would get caught in doors, hang up on furniture, stick in sewer gratings or become miraculously entangled in my shoelaces.
Later came the inanimate object version of Tourette's Syndrome. Every time I found myself in a public environment, where civilized behavior involved being quiet, the cane would suddenly (and for no apparent reason) slam itself to the floor with a crash loud enough to be heard several hundred miles away. It's kind of embarrassing to have an entire room--full of total strangers--turn around en-mass to glare at you as if your friend has just screamed a long stream of obscenities.
The suicidal phase was next. As I'd cross a street it would suddenly leap from my hands and into the paths of speeding cars. The poor thing would fling itself down long, corrugated iron staircases in CTA stations. And, on at least two occasions, it jumped over the 4th floor railing of my back porch for a 40-foot swan dive to the concrete parking lot below.
Time has gone by: the cane and I have settled into a kind of loveless marriage. And now that we're both in roughly the same condition, friends are saying that we've begun to look alike, in that way some couples do. I'm not so sure I like this.
Perhaps, I should grow a mustache.
Photographed on the back porch of my apartment in the Albany Park neighborhood of Chicago, on November 12th, 2010. No canes were harmed in the making of this picture.
Comments (14)
KateBlack10
Hilarious! As only you can see and say it Corey. Love the title, the image and the vision of you and he/she in a loveless marriage- :) I wonder which of you will go first. I hope it is the cane!
Seaview123
For such an innocuous looking object, it does seem to have an air of evil about it. Nice story.
brewgirlca
This is a totally excellent bit of personal narrative. The title is a great pun. And I am totally empathetic as I have now pondered, on occasion, getting such a beast.. for much the same reasons you did. Younger years of falling off too many cliffs and crashing too many mountain bikes have taken their toll. I really enjoyed this. Bravo.
auntietk
I believe you. Have you read Good Omens (Gaimen and Pratchett)? There's a character who wants to change his name to "Things That Don't Work Properly Even After You've Given Them A Good Thumping." I suspect your cane might fall into that sort of category. Sometimes things just hate you.
beachzz
Omg, this is too funny!! You put into words what I've often suspected and could never prove. If you try and tell anyone about it, they just give you that "look" , you know the one that says, "You're just fricken NUTS". The problem is I have several things like this--my wallet, my keys, and every sock in the house. The things they do.....
whaleman
Truly funny! It was quite generous of you to bandage up the cane rather than beat it to death while you had the chance, of course you may live to regret this, ha ha!
alessimarco
Clever title and amusing story! Well done! Bravo!
durleybeachbum
What a scream! Magic and hilarious, you are a BRILLIANT writer! Tara mentions 'Good Omens', one of my favourite books. I do hope you've read it.
flavia49
wonderful!
sandra46
FASCINATING STORY
jeanebean
Great description Corey. I laughed 'til I cried! I had to use one for a while too and your's must have a twin. Mine behaved the much same way. I was glad to retire it!
experimental
After reading the story I can't help but feel like the picture is of an old friend. It is true that inanimate objects will reflect the emotions you put towards them. Loved it.
Chipka
Yes, mutinous canes. I have yet to encounter one of those, but I've heard quite a lot about them. It's so true that inanimate objects seem to take on personalities, full of quirks and even the occasional dysfunction. It would definitely seem that your cane could use a bit of therapy: behavior like that is generally the sign of an underlying condition. An organic, psychiatric disorder perhaps...? Great picture. I love the intimacy of it: much to your cane's chagrin, you reveal all of the dings and scratches it gained through its numerous suicide dives, clunky attempts at escape, and sullen journeys into obscure, hidden corners. The colors are nice and warm and I love the contrast of the handle and the tape. Great details. I love the whole post.
myrrhluz
Hilarious narrative! I'm keeping it turned away from the leg brace that is reclining across my dresser. Its main trick is to change size from tiny, when I'm trying to fasten it, too huge as I walk and it makes it way down to the pavement, to fat and grabby when I try to maneuver into the car. It seems much better behaved than your cane though, hence the tilt of my laptop as I read, but maybe that is because it can strapped on. Wonderful descriptions of the contrariness of "things." I have two keys that tease me all the time. They are very similar in shape and I differentiate between them by which of two connected rings they are on, work keys or home keys. They are continually jumping rings or persuading the other keys to do so. I bought a cap for one of them once, but it quickly shed it. Great image! Excellent detail of the self-inflicted injuries of your disobliging companion.