Still resting but feeling some better, miss ya all lots, Big hugs to ya all.. Cant post like I want too.. Love you All Alot.. These two things have nothing to do with each other, yet I have been a concoction of both for as long as I can remember. How can this be, A volatile cocktail of extreme sadness and extreme exhilaration, Bottled up for one girl to drink? I was diagnosed with a Bi-Polar Type II disorder in my mid-20s. Formerly known as Manic Depression, This condition causes a person to experience drastic mood swings due to a chemical imbalance in the brain. Type II is the milder version of Type I, My ‘happy’ episodes have landed me straight into the psychiatric ward.cause you always have that crash, I have my normal days, when my mood is stable, mixed up with occasional periods of intense, irrational sadness known as depression. And then, there are periods when I feel like I’m the Queen of the Universe – or at the very least, Socrates. I also suffer from Ptsd,Post-traumatic stress disorder . Many know about depression, but few are aware of the dark, erratic, deceitfully glittering world of hypomanic euphoria. It always starts out pleasantly – the wind of inspiration lifts you up and carries you on its iridescent wings,Flight of Ideas. This is how most people feel when they are inspired. I feel like the concept of failure had left the building. Hypomania makes you lose inhibitions and makes you feel like you can succeed at absolutely anything. I’ve been known to take up way too many projects during this period, pursuing them eagerly and with zeal, only to lose interest once the high is over. During my manic stages, I tend to dress flamboyantly and gravitate towards bright colors – to liven up the surroundings, which suddenly seem lifeless and dull. I feel like I’ve got a magic touch – practically anything I sneeze on becomes a work of art! Sleep is an annoyance rather than a necessity, 4 am writing sessions ‘Because I felt inspired’ become commonality. I have stayed up days on end before sometimes have cried becaused I wanted sleep. And what do you know? People love the new you! They think you’re the best thing since sliced salami with all your eccentricities and overflowing enthusiasm, even you yourself can’t help but marvel at your newly found charm, sense of humor and generosity. You go on shopping sprees, become overtly social, your calendar bursting with all the exciting events you’re planning to attend. You’re too preoccupied to notice the inevitable crash for which you’re headed. If I had to describe the tail end of hypomania, I would say it’s like speeding through a dark tunnel with bright lights rushing towards you – and you trying to catch every single one. You keep grasping but there are just too many, too fast. Your thoughts start racing, so you speak faster to keep up. You feel madly inspired, but can’t seem to focus – and as a result, for the first time in weeks, you produce nothing. The physical exhaustion takes toll, you begin to feel tired from weeks of incurred sleep debt and realize you’ve got a huge callous on your right wrist from mousing for 10 hours in a row. You want to keep going but everything you touch falls apart. You get frustrated, blame others, turn into an asshole. Paranoia sets in, You feel like everyone is trying to tear you down and don’t understand your genius. You get careless, egotistical, aggressive. Nobody likes you any more, Not even you. Then you Crash and fall into then dark endless drepression, no hope, endless sleep, restless sleep at times.Waiting for that cycle to begin again.... It always does, I am on meds that help alot but so far that have no cure for this chemical Imbalance just meds and its finding the right which can take lots and lots of trying. Up Down Up, down and all around. Mind soaring, thoughts crazy. Must do something. Can’t concentrate,Too much to do Clean the house, organize. Put everything in its place. Can’t sleep, Don’t eat. Have to shop, Buy and spend Everything’s good, Great, couldn’t be better Mind numb, Thoughts distressing Nothing needs to be done. Can’t concentrate, It’s just not worth it. Sit in the chair, Garbage on the floor. Everything in disorder. Must sleep, must eat Can’t go, So alone Nothing’s good, or great, Couldn’t be worse. Bipolar, very difficult to live with An angel and a devil live inside you, Sometimes it's the angel who is evil, And sometimes it's the devil who enlightens you Yes up and down thats me. Too high to be low Too low the be high Too high to sit Too high to cry Laughing and screaming At the same time. Too dark of a day Blocks out the suns rays Crazy thoughts racing On a suicidal rage I feel like a Jekyll and Hyde Up and down thats me. Twisted thoughts Confusion of the mind Numbing of the soul Reaching out for help With no one in sight. Up and Down and all around Spinning in circles, on hope it wont stay False mask for the day Hoping and praying For all this madness to go away. Love, HeavensBlonde