Aging, Not Growing (Summer, version 2.2)
by summer1412
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Description
"There I was, yet again. Falling behind while running to catch up to this place called 'somewhere' that everybody seemed to be heading to. It clutched my stomach and twisted it in knots. I wondered, is this what progress feels like? No...there had to be something, anything else but this."
Dear Self,
As of today, I am twenty-two years old.
This year is the same as all the others have been. I find myself filled with shock that I’ve come this far, when my life has remained in the "tentative" area of being certain or no. But this is a feeling I have to get used to, and right now my emotion toward it is that of a distant and outside nature. In fact, it's so distant that I feel as though writing about things seems inappropriate in a way.
This year has been different from all the rest, to an extreme degree. Most of my life has been spent doing things to better improve the way I live, or to be social and improve my character. Not this year. The year of twenty-one has been one filled with introspection and thought. I’ve been pensive, quiet, reserved and extremely antisocial this year. I suppose I could find several things to blame this on, but to some degree I think it would only serve to take the blame away from where it deserves to be put: upon my shoulders, and none other.
Different, also, have been my lessons. Every year I learn something about myself, what I’m capable of and can endure, and how much it takes to bring me down. This year I’ve learned what other people are capable of, and just how little it can take to bring me down.
I am not sad. Twenty-one, in and of itself, has not been a sad year, or even negative to any major extent. It’s simply been very sobering, and very real. This year has reminded me that even though I’ve endured much more than your average female my age, I’m not anything more than human.
I hurt. I worry, and rage, and love, and fear. I make mistakes. I fall down, and consequently have no choice but to pick myself up. All these years I’ve swept my angst and pain under the rug so quickly, and it’s finally caught up to me. I think I’ve really aged this year. Not grown, but aged.
Here’s to another year, and whatever it may bring. I’m both curious and resigned. I’ll embrace it all with open arms and closed eyes.
Happy Birthday, Self.
-Summer, age 22
Comments (8)
RGUS
Happy birthday then... I guess... and wow... you really do have a long way to go... even at my age I realise there is never enough time to learn all you need to reach Nirvana... but we do endure the duration. Have a safe year, or at least... love a little.
summer1412
Deane, you know me. No matter what, I love a lot.
odile
Happy birthday. Your words are so thoughtful and beautiful. I agree with Deane, what we have to learn is immense and the time to do it so short. A big birthday hug! Odile
romanceworks
Happy B-Day, Summer. Another year of life, love, and learning. Though you sound pretty down, and resigned, I can tell you to give yourself time, as things do change, and our perception of things certainly changes, usually for the better. When I was 22, my husband had been drafted into the army and was fighting on the other side of the world. Many of our friends were dying in combat. My mother had died when I was 17, and life was very lonely and scary. I was fortunate that my husband survived and returned home, and we had a beautiful little girl. Life does go on and we learn to live with our pain and be grateful for our joy. You really are such a talented person and I know amazing things are ahead for you. CC
callad
Big, BIG HUGS my dear Summer Rae! :)
jo_dis
Ah the wonder and the awe of being 21. Happy B Day
Chipka
Ah yes, the twenties! I remember those--they weren't as roaring as those other twenties I've heard so much about! But they were fun and filled with all sorts of lessons: the first one I learned was that Somewhere is a very strange place...it's never the same place for any two people: Somewhere is like a fingerprint, or a snowflake: always distinct, always individual, and never what you expect. That's the joy of it. Somewhere like life, has no inherent meaning: that's because it's up to each of us to make things up as we go, and create our own meanings. If life had predetermined meaning, there'd be no reason to live it. Life is learning and discovering, and as humans, we learn and discover (as children do) though play and experimentation. I think you're onto that already, and so keep up the good work. Be overt when you have to be overt, be introspective when you have to be introspective. Wear responsibility like marks of rank on your shoulders, but always be aware that you can remove those marks as well, and just walk around enjoying as much as possible. That's when life gets fun and juicy. As for the writing here: it's graceful and poetic in so many ways. Really well done.
joe123
Do not be afraid to age, with age comes experience and experience is progress.