[Jack of Diamonds and Lilly Palor Tiptus] I am the Jack of Diamonds, and I am very cold. Winter has invaded Waddlebrooke sooner than I would have hoped. Winter has a habit of doing that, but do not get me wrong, I like winter, and snowball fights, and sled riding, and ice skating, but those things are not much fun when all you can do is stand about and chatter your teeth together like a nervous woodpecker. I stand and stare through the window of Grimbina Department Store at the fine puffy dark-red boys’ winter coat with a wonderful fur-lined hood. The coat looks so warm and cozy, especially when compared to my thread-bare thin and inadequate jacket which does nothing to hold off the early winter winds. Winter should not be here yet, and neither should the girl standing behind me that I am trying to ignore with the same effort I am trying to ignore the freezing wind. The cold has come far too soon, and I do not have nearly enough saved yet to replace my old coat for a new one to see me through the winter. Mother has asked several times if I am cold, and of course I always say no. A good boy with double-knotted shoe-laces would never tell their mother they are cold when their mother already works three jobs to keep the house we live in. I will do nothing to add to my dear mother's burden--if I can not earn it myself, then I should not have it. Not everyone believes in such things, and of course, I am referring to the girl standing behind me. "I could buy it for you, Jack of Diamonds," Penelope Cornapeous Hornpickle says. "No," I say. "You work for me," Penelope Cornapeous Hornpickle says. "I am going to ask your father who I work for," I say. "You will regret it if you do," Penelope Cornapeous Hornpickle says. I imagine you might think by now that this is a story about Penelope Cornapeous Hornpickle, but it is not. Penelope Cornapeous Hornpickle just happens to be following me around everywhere I go. No—this story is about Lilly Palor Tiptus. You remember Lilly Palor Tiptus, she is the nice girl that sits in front of me in class at school and helped me draw campaign posters for Neal Larimstraum Soupstone III I try to ignore Penelope Cornapeous Hornpickle, but she is probably right and can make me regret going to her father. She is a mean and spiteful girl, and I am fairly certain she could arrange to have me lose my job. I sigh and make a decision that I am certain to regret and think I already do, but when you are a good boy, you have to do certain things you might not like. I turn around and face Penelope Cornapeous Hornpickle, which is also much like facing a particularly dangerous spider. "I quit," I say. Penelope Cornapeous Hornpickle turns as red from anger as the heart pendant she wears about her neck and begins puffing up like a big red balloon. I begin to get concerned she may puff up so much that she might explode like a big red balloon. I also wonder if I give her the tiniest nudge if she would float away like a big red balloon with the wind. Of course, I do not because I am a good boy, and good boys do not nudge girls that have blown up like big red balloons. She leans in close, and I can feel the heat from her anger coming in waves and think for a moment to hold my hands up and rub them together in the heat to try and thaw them out. I do not, of course. "Take it back, and I will forgive you," Penelope Cornapeous Hornpickle says. "No," I say. Penelope Cornapeous Hornpickle doesn't answer, but I can see her mind working as if I were staring into the turning gears of the clock tower on City Hall. Her eyes narrow and she turns away from me. "I am telling father you are an ungrateful boy and he will have you thrown out of your house and your mother will die just like your father, and you will be an orphan," Penelope Cornapeous Hornpickle says. "How did you get so mean?" I say. I shrug and turn back around to stare at the coat that I now have no means to earn the money to purchase. I am sure to freeze to death this winter, and they will find my poor frozen body in the spring. "He was such a good boy too, see his double-knotted shoe-laces on his little frozen feet, poor thing." I can see Penelope Cornapeous Hornpickle stomping away out of the corner of my eye and think for a moment, only a brief moment, to take it back, but then she turns a corner and the finality of my decision really hits me. I wipe at my eyes. I needed that job, and now I am worried that my mother will be thrown out into the street and freeze to death. "You shouldn't make her mad like that, Jack of Diamonds." I turn my head to see who is speaking to me, and I am surprised to find Lilly Palor Tiptus, the nice girl that sits in front of me in school. She is peeking around the corner of the entryway into Grimbina Department Store where I must assume she had been hiding. I wipe my eyes again, and Lilly Palor Tiptus walks right over to me and using a little lace hanky dabs at my eyes, this of course shocks me and I am unsure what to do. "You have allergies, like me," Lilly Palor Tiptus says. I smile, very much appreciative that she doesn't accuse me of crying over my misfortunes. I knew she was a nice girl. You can tell she is a nice girl because she doesn't wear one of those massive pink bows on her head like Penelope Cornapeous Hornpickle. No--instead she wears two tasteful hair-clips in the shape of little white rabbits holding her hair back, and a small pocketwatch pendant. Yes-Lilly Palor Tiptus is a nice girl. "I know where you live, Jack," Lilly Palor Tiptus says. "My Aunt owns that house and she would never throw you and your mother out." I sniffle once and thank her. "You poor little Jack of Diamonds, you are cold," Lilly Palor Tiptus says. "Come inside and warm up." "In the store?" I say. "They don't like boys wandering around the store without their mother." "Aunt Grimbina won't mind," Lilly Palor Tiptus says. "Anyone can see you are a good boy; you have extra-long double-knotted shoe-laces." I grin like a silly fool that she notices my extra-long double-knotted shoe-laces and follow her into the store. I am grateful and tell her so. The store is warm and comfortable with lots of deep rich dark hard-wood walls and matching shelves piled with all manner of merchandise. Lilly Palor Tiptus instructs me to wait and then crawls into the window display and retrieves the fine puffy dark-red boys’ winter coat with a wonderful fur-lined hood. I eye her suspiciously and would have to be a fool not to suspect her of preparing to offer me charity. A nice girl would not offer charity to a good boy knowing it would be a terrible insult, but my fears are put aside when she does not offer me the coat. "Come with me, Jack of Diamonds, if you please," Lilly Palor Tiptus says. I follow her through the maze of merchandise and then up a steep staircase to a plain door that has a sign with the words 'Employees only' engraved in it. Lilly Palor Tiptus pushes the door open, and we enter an office with a big wooden desk and I see a woman sitting behind a wooden desk at a big adding machine. You know the kind, with big red and black buttons and a handle on the side that makes that clink-cling sound when you pull it down. "Hello, Aunt Grimbina," Lilly Palor Tiptus says. "Hello dear, what have we here?" Aunt Grimbina says. "The new stock-boy," Lilly Palor Tiptus says. Stock boy? I turn around to see if someone followed us up the stairs, being that there was no other boy in the room other than me. I find no other boy has followed us and turn back around to face an amused expression on Aunt Grimbina's face. "Dearest Niece, it is traditional that one applies for a position prior to being hired," Aunt Grimbina says. "You do want a job, don't you, Jack?" Lilly Palor Tiptus says. I realize what Lilly Palor Tiptus is doing and for lack of knowing what to do I just nod and try not to look as uncomfortable as I feel. "Yes, job," I say. "He will need a uniform for when he is delivering orders, and unloading boxes from delivery trucks," Lilly Palor Tiptus says. She puts the fine puffy dark-red boys’ winter coat with a wonderful fur-lined hood on the desk Aunt Grimbina is sitting behind. My allergies threaten to act up again as I fully realize Lilly Palor Tiptus' carefully planned scheme. "Are you a good boy?" Aunt Grimbina says. I realize that from her position behind the wooden desk and the big adding machine with red and black buttons and a handle on the side that makes that clink-cling sound when you pull it down that she can not see my shoes. I lift a foot to show her my extra-long shoe-laces for double-knotting. "Oh yes, I see you are a very good boy," Aunt Grimbina says. I nod emphatically; Aunt Grimbina is obviously a very wise and shrewd business woman to recognize a good boy when she sees one. I would be fortunate to work at Grimbina Department Store as a stock-boy. "Very well then," Aunt Grimbina says. "Lilly, show our new stock-boy around the store, and tomorrow after school he can come to my office and pick up his uniform." Lilly Palor Tiptus does just that and shows me around the store and the back store-room full of boxes waiting to be carried by a stock-boy. I am eager and happy and wish I could start right away; there are so many curious and wonderful boxes in need of carrying. We head towards the front door; it is getting late, and I have to get home to tell Mother the good news. My elation over my good fortune comes to an abrupt halt, and my heart leaps into my throat; Mr. Hornpickle and Penelope Cornapeous Hornpickle are waiting for me at the front door. "Well then, young man," Mr. Hornpickle says. "I am told you have ungratefully left my employ, your father would be very disappointed. Would you care to explain yourself?" I am aware that Mr. Hornpickle and my dearest departed father were the best of friends when they were boys my age. My job with Mr. Hornpickle had been a result of that friendship. I do not know what to say and drop my eyes. I could have hugged Lilly Palor Tiptus when she came to my rescue, though I would never actually hug a girl, even the amazing Lilly Palor Tiptus. I am no expert of course, but I am fairly certain good boys do not go around hugging girls. "Jack is a stock-boy now here at Grimbina Department Store," Lilly Palor Tiptus says. I glance up and see Penelope Cornapeous Hornpickle has instantly lapsed into a state of shock and the smug expression she wears has melted away. Mr. Hornpickle looks from Lilly Palor Tiptus to me and then stops at his daughter. "Penelope, you seem to have left out that very crucial bit of information," Mr. Hornpickle says. Penelope Cornapeous Hornpickle attempts to reply but instead only manages a few stutters and then her eyes narrow dangerously in my direction and the look of pure malice she throws towards Lilly Palor Tiptus would freeze a lava flow. Mr. Hornpickle steps forward and places a hand on my shoulder. "My apologies, Jack, I am so proud of you," Mr. Hornpickle says, "and I am glad that you took our little talk the other day seriously." I have no idea what Mr. Hornpickle is talking about. "Very proper, Jack," Mr. Hornpickle says, "A boy must venture out and secure a career—yes yes—very proper. Start as a stock-boy and work your way up to Merchant, that is the way to do it. You have shown great maturity, my boy, after all, you cannot expect to make a career just doing chores for me. But, of course, you will continue your chores with full pay when not here at Grimbina Department Store working your career. However, I must insist on one modification, my boy, you will not have time to play with Penelope anymore—no, sorry, you are a real working boy now so no more playtime, that is just how it will have to be." I wasn't sure what just happened. I went from one job to no job, to one job, to two jobs, and I didn't have to answer anymore to the evil honky horn of Penelope Cornapeous Hornpickle. The day was turning out well. I looked at Penelope Cornapeous Hornpickle standing behind Mr. Hornpickle; her face was twitching, and it appeared that she was having a spasm in her shoulders. "Penelope, there is a meatloaf in the icebox, run home and put it in the oven to warm, I need to speak with Miss Grimbina," Mr. Hornpickle says. Penelope Cornapeous Hornpickle turned around and walked towards the door in an odd sideways walk while her arms involuntarily jerked and jumped about. She looked much like a poor bird walking in circles after running into a window, and I sincerely doubted that Penelope Cornapeous Hornpickle was even remotely aware of where the oven was to heat the meatloaf. At least I hoped she didn't, whatever mess she made of the oven I would eventually have to clean. Lilly Palor Tiptus walked with me most of the way home, her house being on the way, and I found it pleasant and enjoyed her company. I did not even notice the chill winter wind cutting through my jacket. I kept having the odd feeling we were being followed and would glance around, but never saw anyone. The next day at school Penelope Cornapeous Hornpickle acted as if nothing had happened but Loarn Lemondrop Lipstickle cornered me in a hallway between classes, there was little doubt of his intention and who had sent him to pummel me. I figured there was nothing to lose at this point and did something so stupid and inspired that it even surprised me. Loarn Lemondrop Lipstickle advanced on me with his big meaty hands curled into clubs for the pounding, and as he pulled his fist back, I rose up on my toes and spun around in circle. "I am a bird," I say. And then I leaped and danced around Loarn Lemondrop Lipstickle in a circle and escaped down the hall with Loarn Lemondrop Lipstickle turning white and apparently suddenly turned to stone. Word quickly spread that there was a way to escape Loarn Lemondrop Lipstickle, and the entire school danced and spun in circles in the halls and Loarn Lemondrop Lipstickle cowered in a corner harmlessly. The dancing continued until just after lunch when Teme Raddipikaen Waterlogg stood in the center of the hall and in her mouse-like voice roared. "Stop it!" Teme Raddipikaen Waterlogg shouted. Remember, Teme Raddipikaen Waterlogg is the mouse-like girl that is teaching ballet to Loarn Lemondrop Lipstickle secretly in the woods outside town. Now, keep in mind I never told anyone what I knew about Loarn Lemondrop Lipstickle and the ballet, the other kids were only mimicking what I had done to escape Loarn Lemondrop Lipstickle's bullying. Teme Raddipikaen Waterlogg took Loarn Lemondrop Lipstickle by the hand and led him past me and the other kids, now standing frozen in shock. "You should be ashamed of yourself, Jack of Diamonds," Teme Raddipikaen Waterlogg says. "Are you the school bully now?" I was most definitely not ashamed and could not understand how Teme Raddipikaen Waterlogg could be so blind to the torment Loarn Lemondrop Lipstickle has inflicted on everyone. But, it is of no matter. Teme Raddipikaen Waterlogg and Loarn Lemondrop Lipstickle became glued to each other, and to everyone's amusement were often seen hand-in-paw. I suppose it worked out well enough, the Mouse tamed the Beast, Penelope Cornapeous Hornpickle lost her henchman, I had two jobs, and bullying in the school halls was contained, it was a wonderful day. But I should know better; things in Waddlebrooke do not stay wonderful for long. After school I hurry to Grimbina Department Store and found Lilly Palor Tiptus waiting for me at the top of the stairs to Aunt Grimbina's office, she is staring at the little pocket watch necklace she wears. "Excellent, Jack," Lilly Palor Tiptus says. "You are not late, you must never be late." Aunt Grimbina had quite a surprise waiting for me. She hands me a package wrapped in plain brown paper, and I eagerly rip it open and find the fine puffy dark-red boys winter coat with a wonderful fur-lined hood. But that is not all. On the front of the coat is my name embroidered in fine red letters and on the back the words, 'Grimbina Department Store - Stock-Boy' embroidered in the same fine red letters. I try the puffy dark-red coat on and it is warm and cozy. "There is more, Jack," Aunt Grimbina says. She hands me a box full of new pants, button-down shirts, work boots, gloves, and thick socks. I am confused and she explains that the work clothing is courtesy of Mr. Hornpickle to help me start my career. I smile, glad to have Mr. Hornpickle on my side. I spend the next hour or so carrying carefully labeled boxes from the storeroom to various departments and stack the contents on the shelves. Many of the shelves are far too high for me, but there is a clever little step-ladder I use. I think all is well, and I am stacking some merchandise when Aunt Grimbina comes up to me and says I must be more careful to stack the merchandise in the correct departments. I am confused; I stacked everything exactly where it was labeled to go. She shows me one such mis-stacked item; a fine shirt is horribly crumpled up and carelessly shoved between several dish sets. I remember folding that shirt correctly and putting it exactly where it belonged. I promise to do better and rush from department to department finding all manner of mis-stacked items. I move everything back to where it belongs, and, as a result, I do not finish carrying all the boxes out of the storeroom. I explain what occurred to Lilly Palor Tiptus, she tells me not to worry and that Aunt Grimbina understands being that it is my first day. But, I can see that there is tarnish on my name as a very good boy. The whole thing is confusing until I leave the store for the night with Lilly Palor Tiptus and see Penelope Cornapeous Hornpickle standing across the street with her arms folded and a smug expression on her face. I understand what she has done, and so does Lilly Palor Tiptus. Penelope Cornapeous Hornpickle is not going to let the situation rest and intends to destroy me. I should not have done what I did next, but I did it anyway, and Lilly Palor Tiptus did not seem to mind at all. I took Lilly Palor Tiptus by the hand, and we walked home. I am fairly certain I heard a volcano screaming somewhere behind me as we walked. I am the Jack of Diamonds, and that is the story of Lilly Palor Tiptus. Hope to see you again soon. Bye now.