[The Lone Gunslinger, Chapter 23, When gods play] [Part I] [Two weeks after the accident] I dream. I think I dream. I dream I am in a ship that has crashed into the ocean. I think it is an ocean, I've never seen an ocean before. Nobody seems concerned the ship is sinking beneath the waves. I dream I am underwater, and I dream I see the Marshal General, and Simon, and I even dream I see Jaco floating in the water next to me. That's how I know it is a dream, Jaco is terrified of water and I can't think of anything that would get him to go into the water willingly. I dream, and I dream, and I dream. There is water, and then no water, and then water again. Sometimes I dream of brown-skinned aliens, but I always dream of Jaco. Jaco is in nearly all of my dreams, calling to me, begging me to come somewhere. I couldn’t go with him though, even if I could wake up. I looked down once and my leg was missing, I don’t know where I put it. I haven’t looked down again to see if it’s back, I can feel it, so it must be there. I’m having a hard time remembering anything. Something is wrong inside my brain, I have terrible headaches in my dreams, but then someone comes and the headache goes away. I can hear people talking sometimes, but sometimes not, like when I dream I’m underwater. I think they are talking about me, I can’t quite focus on the conversation, but I hear the words. “I’m sorry, Mr. Simon, the brain damage is irreversible. He has lost most of his motor skills, and even if we successfully clone a new leg, he will never walk again, and I doubt he will ever be capable of speech again either. I suggest you use your available funds to pay for his long term care instead of a pointless procedure.” “But there is brain activity?” “Yes sir, an unusual amount for a coma patient. It is possible that he is partially aware of his surroundings. Talk to him, read to him, and make sure someone stays with him, there has been limited success in such treatment.” “Can we transfer him to Raunu?” “Not at this time, the stress of space travel could aggravate the situation.” “Simon, there is a long term care facility on Carrais Island. We can put him there, and don’t worry about the finances. Lady Jackdaw has provided a permanent Trust Fund to ensure he receives the best medical care for the rest of his life.” Father, I’m here, don’t cry. “Thank you, Weston.” I dream, I sleep, and in all this the one constant is Jaco beside me. Simon hasn't been in my dreams for a long time, but I have dreamed of the Marshal General several times. Jaco talks to me in my dreams, I'm not sure what he is saying, but it is a comfort to hear his voice. The ship comes for me and we... un-sink? I can see the ship rising from the ocean in my dreams. Jaco is there, as he always is. Jaco cries a lot in my dreams. "You'll like the new place," says Jaco. Where are we going? I'm excited, we are outside. Maybe we are going home. I would like to go home and sleep in my own bed, that would be nice. The sun is warm and there is a scent, like fish and salt and leaves; the leaves that you would find under other leaves when you scrape with the heel of your boot and that slight musky smell rises. But then we are inside, and it is dark and smells like too much cleaning soap in your bucket when you are on extra-duty at the Dining Cabin and the Cook makes you mop the floor. I don't like this, Jaco, lets get out of here. "See, this is nice, I told you it was nice," says Jaco. "You have your own room." No, I want to go home, please, lets go home. The room is dark, and smells like death. What's wrong with me? Why can't I wake up? I'll be okay, Jaco is with me and that's enough, Jaco will protect me. Someone new comes into the room and pokes something into my arm, it hurts. "You want to be careful with that," says Jaco. "He can't feel anything," says the other person. "But you will if you do that again," warns Jaco. "Watch yourself, Raven, I'll have you removed." "And you will have to wonder which shadow I am in for the remainder of your short life," threatens Jaco. I feel a tear fall down my face, that's my wonderful beautiful Jaco. I will be okay as long as he is in my dreams. The person leaves and Jaco removes whatever is making my arm hurt. "This side has been used too many times," says Jaco. "I'll put it in the other arm." Jaco curls up next to me at night and keeps the monsters away. There are monsters. Cruel monsters in white uniforms that hurt me when Jaco isn't looking. Jaco is out getting food, I don't know why he needs food in a dream, but this dream is so real. One of the monsters comes in after Jaco is gone and pulls my blankets back and starts hurting me, between my legs, with a tube. I'm ashamed and horrified. I want to scream but can't, I scream in my head. Jaco returns and sees the monster, and the monster flees with Jaco chasing him, Talon Dagger drawn. Jaco returns and lifts the blanket, and then looks into my eyes. "I'm sorry, Keal," says Jaco. "This has to happen, but the Orderly was being cruel about it. I'll be as gentle as I can." Jaco is gentle, it still hurts, what he is doing, and I'm still ashamed, but it doesn't hurt as much with Jaco doing it. Then there is relief and my bladder empties. I have been having trouble relieving myself and the relief I feel makes me tired. I want to sleep. I can see Jaco wiping his face. "It's okay," says Jaco. "You went faster than I could hook it up to the bag. I'll get better at taking care of you, promise." [One year later] The beeping sound is gone. Jaco did something to it, and no matter how many times someone tries to fix it. The beeping sound won't start again. I'm glad it's gone, the machine beeped every time my heart beat, it was driving me nuts. Jaco reads to me, and talks to me. I sleep, I dream. I think a long time passes. Sometimes I dream that I hear Jaco crying. I hear Jaco whispering into my ear—the ear-bug, it's still in my ear, and Jaco has forgotten. I am starting to think I am not dreaming, I am trapped inside my body and everything looks like a dream. "I'm sorry...I'm sorry..." Jaco whispers. "Why didn't I obey you? If I would have just rammed that cargo container like you ordered, we would have died instantly and be together in the Land of the Ancestors right now. Not this...I never wanted this." "Jaco, what are you talking about. I don't remember anything like that. I ordered you to stay in position and protect the Crystal Rain. Did something else happen I can't remember?" "Oh Keal, I was showing off, it's my fault you were crushed...why...why did you order me to do it? Maybe that container would have missed the Crystal Rain. Why didn't I just ram that stupid thing instead of trying to get clever? It's all my fault." "Jaco, is this real? I'm not dreaming am I?" Jaco is weeping softly somewhere in the room. I close my eyes and push my mind as hard as I can; emotional stimulus, first realization of love—that's how Jaco said it works. "Jaco, I love you!" I'm flying over the mountains of the Gunslinger Base and Jaco is flying next to me. "Jaco it's not your fault, we did the right thing, the hatchlings are safe." "Keal? Oh ancestors no... no... no!" "It's okay, Jaco," I try to reassure him. "We are together, everything will be okay." "Goddess save me," pleads Jaco. "I thought you were dead, I thought I was only caring for your body, it was my punishment to myself to care for your body... for what I've done." "Jaco, no, you haven't done anything, I need you, please..." "You're alive in there, Goddess take me! I've sentenced you to a worse thing than the Chair ever would be." "Wait... Jaco." Jaco pushes away and the projection is broken. Jaco is screaming, his hands over his head, and the white monsters are rushing into the room. Jaco runs from the room. I hear his screaming fade into the distance. [Seven years later] The beeping is back. 80 beeps to a minute. 4,800 beeps to an hour. 115,200 beeps to a day. 3,456,000 beeps to a year. I gave up after two years. I can't stay away much. I don't dream of Jaco anymore. I haven't dreamed of him for a very long time. I'm in a dark room, and I sleep. I sleep. I hear voices, but they are far far away. I can't wake up. The white monsters were very mean to me after Jaco left, I thought I would go insane for awhile, but they grew indifferent and I barely see anyone now. The darkness of the room is endless. I am alone with the beeping sound. I like the sound, I'm not so lonely with the beeping. Loneliness invades my dreams, when I do dream. I search for Jaco in my dreams, but he's gone and I'm alone. There is a small crack in the curtains, and I watch the ray of light from the sun. Nobody has opened the curtains since Jaco left. I watch the ray of light travel across the room; again... and again...and again. I am so tired. "How long has he been like this, Doctor?" I open my eyes. I know this man; the Marshal General. "I... umm... I'll have to check the charts." "You don't know because you haven't checked on him in years," growls the Marshal General. The Marshal lifts my blankets away and looks between my legs. I don't even care now. I stopped caring a long time ago. "That is the worst infection I have ever seen," says the Marshal. "You will sedate him before you remove that tube." The Marshal rolls me on my side. "No, please, it hurts, don't move me, please." The Marshal gently rolls me back and places a hand on my face. "I am sorry, Hero," says the Marshal. "I have been negligent. Doctor, I will return in three days. That infection and the bed sores better be well on the way to being healed when I return, or what I do to you will make Demonians tremble in fear." The Marshal leaves, but a very large man stays behind. He is the largest man I have ever seen. He has dark skin, he must be a Cormon, but he is wearing the robes of a Tarlock Priest. The large man has an old worn box with him. He pulls a chair up next to my bed and sets the box down and opens it. I am curious. What is in the box? The Priest puts his hand on my head, his hand is so warm. I feel comfort. "So, you are in there," says the Priest. "Nobody believed Jaco." Then the Tarlock Priest pulls a colorful book, well, kind of like a book, from the box and shows me the cover. There is a golden haired man on the cover of the book holding a large hammer. The Priest sits down and reads the cover to me. "The Adventures of Thor, the God of thunder," reads the Priest. "You're going to read to me...Oh thank you, thank you, nobody has read to me in so long." The Priest reads to me for a very long time, the story is wonderful and I cry. The Priest wipes my tears and smiles at me. "Time to sleep," says the Priest. "But first, I would like to tell you something." “Can you hear me?" "Jaco is coming back. He has had a rough few years, but he is better now. I hope you can forgive him for leaving." "I forgive him, I will always forgive him. When, when can I see him?" "Jaco asked Simon to sign custody of you over to him, and Simon agreed. I think you will need to forgive Simon as well for never coming to see you. Your father, he broke inside a little, and plunged himself into his work and raising your brother Josh." "I forgive him too, I can't blame him for not being able to handle this. I'm glad for Josh." "Jaco petitioned the Courts to release you to him, but they denied his petition. As you know, Wes is also the Prince Justice, and has over-ridden the Courts decision. The paperwork is being pushed through now, you will be going to live at Jaco's house." "Jaco has a house? When can I leave? I want to go now!" "These comics are for you, I will read them all to you over the next couple weeks while we wait for your release. I will stay in this room until it is time for you to leave. Sleep now. Oh, and by the way, happy birthday. You are twenty-five years old today." "Twenty-five? I'm twenty-five years old?" “Sleep now, child, trust the Dragon.” “Wait, can you hear me, how do I wake up?” The Priest puts the comic book away and sits quietly next to me. He can’t hear me. He only knows I’m here, but that’s something, at least someone knows I’m here now. What? He said trust the Dragon. I remember that, another Tarlock Priest said that to me. What’s it mean? The next couple weeks are very exciting. The doctors are almost constantly in my room doing stuff to me, and I don’t feel so tired. I must have been sick because I feel better now. Not much better, I think, but enough. The Priest reads the comic books to me. He says his name is Thor, just like in the comic books. Then one day he whispers a secret to me. He says Thor isn’t his real name and he tells me his real name and that I have to keep it a secret. If I could laugh I would, who am I going to tell? I never heard Jaco come get me. I was asleep and dreaming about Horse, I was trying to ride Horse but she kept running away. I feel warmth on my cheek. I'm outside. Jaco is standing over me, but it's not Jaco, but it is Jaco. He looks older. Jaco is holding me. I don’t think I’m dreaming. Sometimes it’s hard to tell when I’m awake and when I’m dreaming. Jaco is carrying me and someone is holding their hand over my eyes. The sun is so bright, I’m afraid. There is a plane at the end of a dock, just a regular plane, but it's a plane floating on water. Someone is arguing with Jaco. They are trying to stop Jaco but someone else is there, a Gunslinger? No, a Sheriff. The Sheriff is helping Jaco, and the Priest is there too. The hand is the Priest’s hand shielding the sun from my eyes. "We do not advise this," someone says. "You have the court order, I have custody now," replies Jaco. "How can you take care of him after what you did to yourself?" someone shouts. "You have the psychiatric and court report declaring me competent, I'm taking him," replies Jaco. I'm in the plane and Jaco is flying us somewhere. I'm lying in the back and I can hear the engine, it's loud. I'm not alone, someone else is here, and it's bright and the sun is coming through the windows on my face. I wish I could wake up, I want to wake up. My eyes are open, why can't I wake up? Someone please tell me how to wake up? "We're almost there, buddy," shouts the new Jaco—the older Jaco. ”Where? Tell me where. Is this another dream? I’m scared." People are lifting me out of the plane. My dreams jump around, I can't tell what happens first. Did they lift me out of the plane first or put me in first… no, Jaco put me in the plane. I can't focus on anything. There is a dock over water, the wheelchair bumps along, I can see the water below me. “Don't drop me, Jaco. Why don't you answer me? I want to go back to the safe dark room, take me back.” "Look who came to see you," says Jaco. "I bet you're glad to be out of that horrible place." “No, take me back, I’m scared.” We are at the end of the dock, there is sand. People are there. I can't move my eyes, I can never move my eyes, it makes it hard to see the dream. A man kneels in front of me. I think I know him. "Hello, son," says the man. "It's me Simon, your father." This man can't be my father, he's too old, and he has Commander Rank on, my father is Deputy Commander. What's happening? "We are so happy to see you out of the hospital, you're going to live at Jaco's house now," says the man. "What hospital, was I in a hospital? And Jaco doesn't have a house." "There's someone here to see you," says the man. The man looks back at a boy, a tall boy, I don't know who he is. "Come say hello, son," the man says to the boy. "Can he hear us, father?" asks the boy. "Some people say coma patients can see and hear everything around them, we just don't know," says the man. "There isn't much brain activity left, so probably not, but you need to say…" The man's voice cracks and he's crying. "…say your goodbyes, he's failing and the doctors say there isn't much time left." “He’s in there, you’ll see,” says Jaco. “I’ll make him better.” The tall boy kneels and looks at me. "Hello, big brother. I guarded all your stuff like you said, I brought it all, it's all in Jaco's house." Josh? Is this Josh. How? This boy must be twelve or thirteen, Josh is only five. I can’t take any more, I don’t want to hear anything. I close my eyes and don't listen to any more of the dream. I open my eyes. The room is quiet except for Jaco moving around, folding blankets and putting clothes away. I’m in a bed in the middle of the room, it’s not a bedroom. The room isn’t dark, it’s light and airy and a breeze is coming in through the windows. “Oh, you’re awake, hey buddy,” says Jaco coming over and sitting on the edge of the bed. “I’m sorry, I should have known that would be too much for you. Everyone has gone home now, it’s just us. We need to talk.” “Hello, Jaco, I’m so happy to see you, where were you?” “I think we should just get the whole thing out in the open and move on from there.” Jaco holds his hands up and shows me his wrists. There is a scar on each wrist. “Oh Jaco, what did you do?” “After you projected to me and I realized you weren’t dead, I flipped out. I went back to Darai and lay in front of the Raven Goddess' Statue and begged for weeks for the Goddess to save you. She never answered. I lay there for so long they put a tube in me and force-fed me. Still she didn’t answer my prayers. I used my Talon Dagger and cut my wrists and begged her to take me and save you.” Jaco points at the place his Talon Dagger would normally be, it’s gone. “I’m not allowed to have one anymore,” says Jaco. “I spent the next two years in a Psychiatric Hospital, and another two years after that in counseling and rebuilding my life. It was hard. I was released from the Temple and I started the business we talked about. I named it Keal Antiquities. I’ve been very successful, we don’t have to worry about money. I returned to the Gunslinger Base and spent two more years proving to Simon I was responsible and that I would never try to kill myself again. I took classes at the Base Hospital to learn how to properly care for you. Simon finally agreed to sign custody of you over to me, and the Marshal General gave me this island and I built this house and he helped me get you released.” “I’m so sorry you had to go through all that.” “I know it’s not my fault what happened that day you were injured, I accept that now. But now, let’s move on. Here’s the important part. The doctors say you have maybe three months left to live. I don’t accept that. I am going to make you well again. But first, you have to wake up. And we start now.” Jaco stands and pulls my blanket back and takes my leg and lifts it up and then bends it. “Jaco, what are you doing?” “One…two…three…” Jaco counts as he pushes my leg up and bends it. “We do ten of these every hour, and then we work on your arms.” [end part I]