"Searching For My Center or Learning To Live With Blood Cancer" A few months ago, my doctor told me I had Polycythemia Vera. A very rare form of incurable blood cancer. In and of itself, its not usually fatal and can be controlled by phlebotomy. Vivisection. The drawing off of blood. Yet I have tiny, non giving veins that collapse near immediately upon being tapped. Add the fact that I have Lupus and Fibro Myalgia, it quickly complicates things. In fact, my blood cancer was caused by Lupus. Its called, in this case, Secondary Polycythemia Vera. Meaning it was caused by a primary source other than just developing on its own. Its still the same, one way or the other, no matter it's cause. The only difference is, it can not be treated with chemo drugs like primary PV can. It seems that secondary PV, when treated with them, turns into Leukemia. Great, huh? Now, some of the symptoms I am experiencing at this stage, are vertigo, mainly, exhaustion, brain fog, increased pain and a commonly low temp of around 95*. The vertigo is the worst. I can barely walk as it is and the vertigo makes it near impossible to even think. Its maddening. The pain I can live with. I've lived with pain all my life. But this is nuts. I can be laying flat on my back in bed and my head starts spinning. I'm in my wheel chair now because of it. Its a feeling of being out of control. Uncertain and the loss of equilibrium leaves one feeling helpless. I am used to being in total control. The 'master' of my domain, so to speak. Lol. It was my sole weapon. My strength. No fear, no need for anyone or anything. My whole world has come to, not a stop, but more of a reversal of rotation. Pun intended. Daily routine, as loose as it was, has been interrupted. Thinking sometimes becomes distorted. And living alone in the middle of the desert can be interesting. Especially during a 'senior moment'. I think one of the most exasperating things is flipping in and out of, not so much reality, but the confused state. I'm used to Lupus jacking with my heart, brain, organs, and etc. etc..., But this is an entirely different demon. I even had myself tested for Alzheimer's. I was diagnosed after having a couple of TIAs. Mini strokes. PV greatly increases the risks of a blood clot to the heart, brain or lung. So now I'm on blood thinners and bruising and bleeding. Its like I went to bed one night and woke up in another person's body. Hence, "searching for my center'. I normally don't talk about even my Lupus, but one, I wanted my artist friends to know why I don't comment much on their uploads. It really hurts to sit and type. I get cramps. I have a few different types of arthritis from Lupus. But I do render and post my works. Its much easier to lay in bed and use my 'special mouse' navigate the scenes. Two, I wanted to share my journey, in a way, so that if you, or someone you know, are affected by this rare blood cancer, it might help you to understand a bit more as there isn't much information out there and not too many people have come across it. I do not ask for sympathy. No pity. Heaven forbid! Lol. Its just another mountain for me to climb. I'm getting good at it. Thanks for reading. Thanks for always sticking by me. And as always, love to you all!