"... and one of these new reality shows comes on where they makeover this guy so he can get laid, and I'm thinkin', it's been a coupla decades since I got myself some decent tail. 'N' before you know it, I'm on the phone talkin' to the producers and I say, Hey, I'm a decent lookin' guy; I just can't get laid, and they say, You sound like our kind of guy; how's next Thursday? -- and before you know it, I'm on the show. "So I meet with the producers, and they tell me, Okay, here's the ground rules: you turn yourself over to our staff for four days. Anything they say, you do, no matter what. If you don't like it or the results or say anything about our staff, you're off the show. Now I got no problem with that, y'know? "Then I meet the staff. "Okay, I've known a lot of fairies in my day -- I mean, I am 2000 years old (2001 in November, in case anyone's looking to send a card)... but this bunch! Man! They show up with their camera crew and start flittin' around the house. Their damn wings nearly knock over everything in sight. And they're nonstop: Your last girlfriend dumped you? I guess you didn't have much ta satyr! Then they'd all tee-hee and giggle and I wanted to get out the can of Raid so much..... "But I kept thinking 'bout this nymph who was the prize at the end of the show, and I figure, okay, I can do this. Just steel myself through the next few days, and it's over, and they're gone. Easy, right? "Wrong. First it was the hair. Girl, when did you get that cut last, the Napoleonic Wars? (tee-hee, giggle) When I said I hadn't had it cut because it was part of my image, they just rolled their eyes. It's so 14th century! they tittered. We're gonna bring you into the modern day! And before I know it, they've cut it off, spiked it, dyed it blue, and then congratulated themselves on a job well done. "Then it was the body hair. Look, I'm a satyr! I'm supposed to have body hair! And they'd roll their little fairy eyes again and start flitting around with cans of Neet and triple-blade disposables. But when they got to the waist, I told them to stop: that was gettin' just a little too personal, if ya know what I mean. "After that, it was the clothes, then the glasses, then the house itself. Four days later, I look in the mirror, and I don't have a clue who's lookin' back. Nobody I know, that's for sure. But the fairies are all, like, Oooo, what a stud! and The centaurs are gonna be so green with envy!, and I figure, okay, if it turns them on, maybe it'll work for the nymph as well. "Not a chance. She took one look, and it was all over. I thought you were a real satyr! Man, I was bummed. I mean, a satyr gettin' turned down... that's the lowest. "But it wasn't all bad, I guess. The camerafairy called a few days later to see how it went, and I told him, and he was all solicitous, which was kinda nice after the way I piled on his buddies. So I invite him over, and we have a couple of beers, all buddy-buddy like, and then he asks, So is it true about you guys? "Ya should seen the look on his face when he realized it gets this big...."