Okay, yes, we'd been having some problems. Well, a lot of problems, actually. You know how it is: you've been with the same person for too long, and it gets... okay, boring. Monotonous. Dont get me wrong: there was nothing wrong with her. But the thrill was gone. And I thought maybe it was time to move on. So here I was on the Internet one night, cruising the personals. You have no idea what kind of crap is out there: everyone's young and perfect and rich and successful. Which, of course, begs the question: if they're so perfect, why are they advertising on here? Which, of course, begs the question: what am I doing on here? I was just about to close it down when I noticed the ad: "Do you like pina coladas and getting caught in the rain?" Truth is, I hate pina coladas and I damn sure dont like getting wet, unless it's in the shower turned three-quarters of the way hot. Well, not a promising start, but at least it wasnt "Hi! I'm sixteen and a virgin and I have enormous hooters!" So I read on: "If you're not into yoga -- " I love yoga. This was really starting to bite. "... if you have half a brain -- " Oooo. Hostility issues. "If you like making love at midnight..." By midnight, I'm asleep. Clearly, this wouldnt work out. But I figured, what the hell: she wasnt playing on her supposed money or her alleged looks. So I dashed off a fast email. "Hate pina coladas and rain. But let's talk." Next morning, I get a response, saying, what the heck, let's. She would be at such and such a bar. So I show up, just like I said I would. An hour later, my mystery woman still wasnt there, so I wrote it off and headed home. I walked through the door, and I could tell my girlfriend'd left: there was a certain emptiness in the air. I opened the closet: her clothes were gone. Her books, her CDs, everything. I heard later on she'd been planning this escape for months; she just needed me out of the house for a while. Bottom line: she was gone, and not coming back. So I went to my local bar. And on a whim, I tried a pina colada. It wasnt that bad, not really.