Let's see. I started acting when I was two. Mom got me in a touring production of some god awful play, but I got a star turn in the middle of the second act, and I milked that baby for all it was worth. Oh sure, it bombed in Toledo, but even then, I knew I was destined to be a true and real, like, star. HEY, AM I GONNA BE UP HERE ALL DAY? SHOOT THE DAMN PICTURE, OKAY? All right, so anyway, I quit school when I was seven. I mean, please, me? School? Get a grip. Anything I need to read, I have people for that. Anything else... well, if it doesn't have a cute outfit or a product placement opportunity, I just canNOT be bothered. IF HE PUTS THAT LIGHT METER ON MY BREASTS ONE MORE TIME, I SWEAR I'M GOING TO HAUL ALL OF YOU UP ON SOLICITATION CHARGES! GOT ME? Uhm... let's see. Okay, around ten, I got offered a role on a Disney series. Nothing big, a glorified supporting character, but I thought it might be advantageous (See? I know some big words!) to make her the center of every damn shot I could. So a few nice words to the right producer, a change in directors, getting my own costume approval, getting my father as lighting director and my uncle as senior cameraperson, well... it's all the little things that add up, right? And the fans loved me. Y'know? So after two seasons, when the new producer decided I was too old... I mean, please, I was twelve! How is that too old? Anyway, I was told my contract was cancelled. Needless to say, I wasn't about to let that happen. I don't want to discuss details -- after all, the court records are still sealed -- but how was I to know the producer was having an affair with the series star? The photos were just as much a shock to me as anyone else. Imagine: a forty year old man and... well, she was certainly far older than she claimed to be, but I thought she was at least sixteen. Funny how Hollywood works, huh... IS THERE ANYTHING LIKE A REAL CATERER HERE? IF YOU'RE GOING TO KEEP ME ON THIS DAMN SET ALL AFTERNOON, I MIGHT AS WELL HAVE SOMETHING TO EAT BEFORE I DIE UP HERE! So my new series -- "Josie!", Tuesday nights on CBS, by the way -- gets not only a two year guarantee but a movie deal as well. At 15, I headed to Europe for a feature film shoot in Venice and Paris, and it was the most amazing four weeks of my life. I mean, who knew those places were so old? I get the shivers just thinking about it. And yes, the stories about me and my leading man are quite true, although he shouldn't be bragging too much, if you know what I mean. Sure, the movie was a dud, but I have legions of fans who'll buy tickets anyway, no matter how stinky it might be. So the studio is guaranteed a profit, and I get a deal for a sequel as well as a three-year extension on the series. By then, I'll be... let me think.... uhm.... eighteen, right, eighteen. And by then I figure I'll just retire. Or else go into singing. You don't need much experience for that, right? And my daddy says I have a real pretty voice, and he would never lie... IS IT ALWAYS SO DAMN COLD IN HERE???