The offer seemed too good to be true: free phone, unlimited text and voice, web access. "The universe is yours!", in a glossy website that showed some smiling blonde co-ed from someplace like Bennington College waving her little phone. Mine had just died a slow, permanent death, so I figured okay, I'll bite. Worse thing that can happen is I bail on the contract, right? It shows up a few days later. The package had all these weird labels on it, in some weird-ass language, but I wrote that off when I opened the box and took this little sucker out. This was one slick piece of work. Beautiful design. Great reception, no matter where I was. I mean, we're talking land-line clear as a freaking bell. Ungodly fast web access, like 4G was using a pair of tin cans and a string by comparison. And some of the coolest features possible, like a holographic keyboard that just spun out of the thing and flashed in front of you. Interface could be in any of a kazillion languages, y'know? One of the things I enjoyed the most was picking one at random, just to see what weird little things it would give me. Fun stuff. And it went to the damndest places on the web sometimes, all by itself. No idea what these sites were — they were in some weird language, and the photos made zero sense. I mean, pretty, but nothing like I've ever seen. There's some amazing stuff out there... or so I thought at the time... So now I've had the thing for a couple of months, and no bill's shown up. And I'm thinking, hey, this could be cushy as all hell: free phone, billing lost in some computer for, like, forever maybe? Sweet. Then one day, there in my email: a bill. And I cant make heads nor tails out of it. It says I owe this company 47,000 kropers, whatever the hell those are. I try to do a currency conversion, but this kroper thing aint on the list. So I write them back, ask what this is in dollars, and forget about it. I dont hear anything for two months, and now it turns out I owe them 2.1 million of these kropers. I'm digging through the bill, which is so incomprehensible that it makes AT&T look positively transparent, and the best I can figure is that it's all roaming charges. Well, that's stupid, I decide. I mean, I aint been out of this city in months. So I write them back yet again, and explain that there must be something wrong with their accounting. Forty eight hours later to the second, I get a call. I can barely understand the lady: she's speaking English, but it's got this super-heavy accent that I cant figure at all. At first I thought maybe Pakistani — I mean, all that outsourcing stuff, right? But that aint it. Anyway, she's pissed. I owe them money. Where is it. I havent paid my bill in months, and she wants to know why. When I try to explain that I dont understand the bill, she just gives me attitude. Then she says that now my amount owed is eighteen and a half billion kropers. Now I'm thinking, okay, this must be some dumb-ass little country where a million of these would buy a loaf of bread. But I ask anyway: what is this in dollars? Now she gives me serious attitude: she doesnt know what these dollar things are, and she wants her payment within 24 hours, or there will be serious repercussions. Then she's gone. And I'm all, what the hell? How can I pay for something if I dont even understand how much they want, let alone where I"m supposed to send it! Then I figure, screw it: some little banana republic trying to extort a bunch of krupers out of me? As if, bud! Next day: another call. A guy this time, and he makes her sound like sweetness and light. He tells me that if I do not pay my bill right then and there, he will be forced to take any and all actions as he deems fit. He's serious as a heart attack. I ask again: what is this in dollars? Where do I send it? He acts like he's never heard of greenbacks before. And then he just laughs at me, telling me that if I wanted out of my contract, I should have thought of a more imaginative excuse. Would I like a demonstration of what his company is capable of doing if I do not pay? I'm getting seriously tired of all the attitude. "Bring it on!" I tell him. "Look up," he says. Then he blew up the moon. I'm standing there, like, what the living hell?? Then he's all quiet like. Tells me that his collection agency is en route and should be within our solar system in approximately sixteen hours, and that I had better have my chequebook ready...