Many of you may not remember me. My last post was when I suddenly lost my Sweet Son Steven Forever17 in 2010. I have not really come back from that. Now...I am devastated even more. Covid stole my husband Bob...my Soulmate of 37 years. I once again come here....this post is not in my usual writing style...if I had one. But it's from my soul...my heart. Written to my husband days after Covid stole him. Dont know why...by drawn here to post it...I still feel as I did when I wrote it...please be kind... Oh my Sweet Wonderful Husband... Sitting there in the hospital ....getting the call from them that you were leaving us. Having to make the decision to change from Full code to DNR. I had to make that devastating and such a final decision. Oh how I wanted to be selfish loving you so much...I wanted to keep the Full Code. Keep you here. But i knew even before the doctor told me it would only prolong and cause you more pain. Only to have to code you again. And being a nurse...seeing you...seeing those machines...seeing those numbers on them, knowing what most of them meant...Baby even if by some small miracle you came back to me....you would not be the same. Too much damage. Oxygen too low for too long. Kidneys shutting down...your heart...the infections...Other things....i knew. You and i had discussed this. I knew what you wanted...i knew what you didnt want. You would not want this. The same endless and deep love for you i have for you that selfishly wanted to keep you here ...take care of you no matter what....if by some small miracle you made it. This same love for you...I had to make the most difficult choice ever....my love for you had to do that one final act of love for you...and as much as it broke my heart...I had to honor your wishes. I had to sign that horrible DNR. I sat with you...held your hand...caressed your face...ran my fingers through your hair...cried...reassured you of my love...our children's love...our families love for you....and our security of our knowledge of the depth of your love for us. Baby...I told you how much I wished you could stay. But that I knew you fought hard to come back home to us. That your body was tired...and I let you know I understood and it was okay to go be with Steven and our family on the other side. I told you how I will not say goodbye...because my love I will see you again. Baby...I dont know how I am going to do this...I am devastated. But, know my love is endless... and I hope that as painful as this has been...I did my best to honor your wishes. I did this out if my deep love for you. Oh how I wish I could have been at the hospital the whole time you were there...but this evil covid...they wouldn't let me. I was there in heart and soul though...I hope you felt me. Oh how I hate that I have always been able to be there at the hospital...but at the scariest time for you...I was kept away. Oh...what you must have felt...your thoughts. But I was there...my spirit was. But....I am so thankful to have been allowed to be there in your last moments...so that you felt and heard nothing but love...deep deep endless love... Baby...I love you until my last breath...and I will see you on the other side...I know you and Steven will be there to meet me... In the meantime...please send me signs...wrap your Angel Wings around me...let me know you are still with me... I LOOOOVE YOOOU ENDLESSLY BOB... MY FOREVER LOVE.... We were supposed to write our book, our story that we always talked of. Baby, our story wasn't done. We were supposed to grow old together...sit on our porch in our rocking chairs holding hands... I have so much to say...so much love...I hope you heard me...felt me...still hear me...feel me...so many beautiful memories...I wish I could have saved you...oh God how I wish I could have saved you.. I LOVE YOU ENDLESSLY BOB...MY FOREVER LOVE...MY ONLY LOVE...TIL MY DYING BREATH AND WE ARE TOGETHER AGAIN....NO GOODBYE...ONLY FAREWELL MY LOVE....