Yes, it's an oldie. Again. 2017. Probably PP2014 now that we're up to 2017. Sir Smuggley Smuggins: "Would you fancy a nice cup of tea dearies ? We can sit down over here and have a nice chit-chat about the rules - I happen to have a copy with me." [He notices the cheapskate is here] Sir Smuggley Smuggins: "Gadzooks ! Cheapskate ! What are you doing here ? Who let you out of your cage you ugly troll, eh what ?" [Oh dear, here we go - he's off...] Sir Smuggley Smuggins: "I thought that this was a nice gallery, for nice people ! You're one of the most ridiculous characters I've ever seen ! By Jiminy, they've really had a go at you with the ugly stick haven't they ! You're one of the ugliest trolls I ever caught !" [Etc] Don't worry, I'm used to it. He's stark raving bonkers if the truth be known. Anyway I'm not that ugly for a troll... and I'm not even really a troll - I'm more of a big goblin. Do you think that if I reported him to a moderator for trolling me they'd ban him ? How would that work then ? Anyway. Now that all of us ugly trolls* have fallen for the laced tea and cakes ploy Sir Smuggley's going to explain RPGs to us. No, not the computer ones. Proper old fashioned tabletop role playing games. Sir Smuggley knows that it's difficult to explain the intricacies to a bunch of ugly trolls, but since trollses* spend their time playing Monopoly he has a better approach... How to play an RPG: Lesson 1 - Monopoly, played the RPG way Picture the scene: a table set up for a traditional game of Monopoly, with eight players ready to start. All the Chance cards and Community Chest cards are stacked neatly in two piles, all the money nicely stacked in those handy receptacles in the box, along with the houses, hotels, and the property and utility cards. But who is this ninth person ? Why, he's the MM, the Monopoly Master ! MM: "I'd like to welcome our eight Serious Monopoly Players to this world first Monopoly Role-Playing Event. You don't need to know the rules, because I'm you're Monopoly Master, and I'm here to provide a guiding hand. So if you're all ready, we'll get started." All eight Serious Monopoly Players nod their heads excitedly. MM (scrutinizing the pieces assembled in the corner of the board): "Okay, so we have a shoe, an iron, a top hat, a battleship, a thimble, a racing car, a wheelbarrow, and a little dog crowded together on a square in the corner of a green board. On the floor of this square are the two red letters O and G, and next to them is a red arrow pointing along one edge of the board..." (MM looks expectantly at the players) MM: "So what are you going to do?" Iron player (warily): "I'll roll two six sided dice" MM (enthusiastically): "Okay, go on" Iron player (reading the result of his dice roll): "Three and four, so seven" (Iron player reaches for his playing piece, but the GM slaps his arm sharply) MM:: "What do you think you're doing ?" Iron player (puzzled): "I was going to move my piece" MM: "You're an iron ! An inanimate object ! You can't move of you own volition!" Iron player: "So what was the point of rolling the dice then ?" MM: "It was an intelligence roll - you failed. You're an iron ! You have zero intelligence." Iron player: "So what am I supposed to do then?" MM:: "Wait until somebody with some laundry comes along?" (Top Hat, Thimble, and Wheelbarrow players look at each other, shake their heads, get up, and walk off) Battleship Player (with a smug chuckle): "Well, I'm not inanimate! I'll start up my engines and prepare to steam around the board" MM: "No you won't! You're landlocked. You're stuck!" (Battleship player mutters something under his breath,gets up and walks off) Racing Car player (with an even smugger chuckle): "Well I'm in my element here - handbrake off, and I'll start driving round the board" MM: "No you won't! Your driverless." (Racing Car player mutters something under his breath,gets up and walks off) (MM looks expectantly at Scotty Dog player) Scotty Dog player: "Errr... I'll cock my leg on the tyre of the car, and then go and hump the top hat ?" Lesson 1 takeaway: Always choose a character that can do something of its own volition (to be continued with lesson 2) *Sir Smuggley considers just about everybody except himself and the little fellows to be trolls. **that's a Gollumism My reference(s): 2017-10-10 - HaveARead