Hi! This is for Barb (bakapo)---who had a BIRTHDAY yesterday! (I'm a day late---sorry!) (I'm so slow at writing! When I finish, it's still a mess; so I'm often too late for everything...) I've known Barb here since I came here: She's a gem. And her work has always been magical, filled with surprises and love. She's nurtured her work like a child. Each one is a little gift. She's been a wonderful supporter, of my work, my idiocy, my humor and my life. I'm grateful for every ounce of it. And she's been through major loss (her mom) and all the struggles that go with that: I wanted to do something that would mean happiness and joy. I hope this does. She wrote to me, "The world needs more purr". (Barb loves cats.) You can't throw that at me, and not expect me to DO something with it. So......... I wrote 9 vignettes---for the 9 Lives of Cats---on cats and all their attributes. I hope it works on the page. It's long and twisty (what isn't, from me), but the love is embedded in the piece. And: I haven't seen Cats---by Andrew Lloyd Weber---so if there's any similarity, it's coincidental! (Don't sue me, Andrew: I'm sure you're a helluva guy!) Barb's cat is "Molly," btw. You'll need to know that. Happy Birthday, dear Barb, it's a pleasure to post this for your birthday. Many more in great joy; and my love and gratitude go with it! May everything blossom for you everywhere, and always...you deserve it, m (the art is an AI---strictly prompts. I couldn't do something original after writing this crazy tome---but somehow it fits the piece...) --------- 1 "THE FALL" MOLLY...who descended from Royalty---as all cats do---sat on the roof like a Queen, and looked at the world with the tranquility and majesty of a Goddess. (Fact is, she was a Goddess: She just didn't tell anyone...) IN THE MEANTIME...the people looked at her siting on the roof like a buddha, and marveled at her granite-like composure, her infinite patience, how she never moved an inch no matter what, and how, if the whole earth trembled, she wouldn't budge because she was totally at one with her soul. "How do they do that?" people asked. "Because they're cats," I answered. (But, being the writer, they didn't hear me...) AND YES...these questions have been asked since the Beginning of Time; though it was especially poignant this time, as Molly was sitting on a ledge 100 stories high, on a slab 3 inches wide, where the slightest wrong-move or misjudgment could plunge her to an assured death. (It should never happen!) I'll explain: In The Yale Consortium of Cat Studies, Their Mythology, Art and Culture (New Haven, 2014), they wrote: "After considerable research, we've concluded that all cats descend from an ancient tribe of Feline Goddesses, many of whom were present at the Creation of the Universe. So, when cats 'sit', they're actually communing with that Creation. (We have documents.) Further, the Stanford Journal of Feline Theory and Analysis asks: 'Did the universe begin with the Word, or with a reeeeeally loud Meow?' We contend that cats not only witnessed Creation, but were largely responsible for its content. ("Let there be Light" may well have been spoken by a cat. It's possible...) So, when cats appear to 'do nothing', they're actually communing with their Ancestors...though they work dilligently to cover that fact...'" So here's how it went down: Despite cries of "Molly, don't jump!," from spectators below, Molly stood up and jumped! (Gasp.) Yes! She careened down the high rise, soared and soared, wafting in the air, her front-legs splayed, gliding from side to side, stopping to say hi to several molecules she hadn't seen in an eon, stopping to hug a moth she knew from college (they took chemistry together, and hated it), stopping to chat with an oxygen isotope whom she'd slept with and had long talks with about hydrogen, oxidation, and that slug, nitrogen (joke: "how many nitrogens does it take to screw in a lighbulb???") (see, nitrogen is the most plentiful gas in the atmosphere, and all the other gases hate it); they told jokes like that between floors 64 and 23...and, when she finally reached the street, she lowered her paws, landed on her feet, brushed herself off, coolly looked around (she was one cool cat), and, turning to the crowd, muttered, "piece o' cake, people...now if you'll excuse me..." Then she bowed, turned around, and went home... --------- 2 YOU STILL HAVEN'T ANSWERED THE QUESTION: HOW DO THEY ALWAYS LAND ON THEIR FEET??? Felines have huuuuuge shoulder muscles. Look at their anatomy: Those are shoulders, people. Thus, when they leap, their muscles absorb the blows like shock absorbers. Built-in shock absorbers: That's why they land on their feet. --------- 3 AND NOW: THE REAL REASON CATS LAND ON THEIR FEET They're showoffs, that's why. They're showoffs. They act all demure, all mysterious, veiled and secret: But deep down---where no one can see---they're showoffs. To wit: One day, two cats were chatting. One said: "Should we leap?" The other said: "Yessss!" One said: "Should we land on our feet?" The Other said: "Yesss!" So they ran to the top of the building, 'cause they had egos and they knew this would draw a crowd... They gathered on the ledge, waited for a crowd, leapt 85 feet (!), chatted along the way, sent selfies, texts and whatsapps to their friends, stopped to finish a Poker hand with some birds (who owed them money), and hit the ground with perfection---on their feet, of course---declaring to the viewers; "Oh: Were you guys here? We hadn't noticed!" (Such liars!) That's why they land on their feet. Next subject.. --------- 4 WHY MOLLY IS CALLED MISS MOLLY CAT So people wouldn't confuse it with the song: "Good Golly Miss Molly". Bigggggg mistake. You think it never happened? Listen: One night people visited Barb and said, "Good Golly, Miss Molly" (to the cat). At which Little Richard broke into her house (!!!), struck up a 16-piece band, dragged in 30 backup singers---pros, super loud!---and belted-out Good Golly Miss Molly for 4 hours, and SO commandingly, they trashed Barb's home, caused considerable damage to her neighborhs, and sent earthquakes rippling through all Massachusetts. That's one powerful song... So, from then on, Barb called Molly "Molly CAT" to avoid devastation (and lawsuits, and earthquakes...). ADDENDUMInspired by Little Richard, Molly one night jumped on the furniture, and sang the entire Aida---Verdi's tragic opera (!)---in which she sang all the parts, all the orchestral parts, all the audience parts (grunts, cheers, boos, whatever), and garnered rave reviews from Feline Opera, and Verdi With Whiskers. (I've written for the latter: Great journal.) Molly, btw, debuts in Don GIovanni in September. Mention my name: You'll get a discount. --------- 5 THROUGH 8: SOME THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT CATS, IF YOU WISH TO LIVE WITH THEM Here goes: FIVEWhen they purr, those sounds are actually little capsules, filled with meanings. Each purr-let contains: - the life history of every cat within a 100 mile radius, plus pictures, pressed flowers and emails - a complete Cantata by Bach - the entire Magna CATA (as in CAT? Magna CAT-A???) (a way-poor joke on Magna CARTA, 'cause I can't come up with a joke) (but hey, cats luuuuuv Magna Carta jokes) - all of Einstein's Theory of Relativity, plus an autographed copy of the Space-Time Continuum (an 8-by-10 glossy) - a written Confession that all cat's tongues really ARE sandpaper and not tongue-stuff; see my Sandpaper, Tongues and Cats: A Reconcideration (Chicago, 2019) - the Book of Secrets---which cats receive when they're in the womb, and which includes: - how to walk in a room without anyone hearing - how to make those low-moans that cat's make when they're about to become werewolves, and why they penetrate your soul and pierce your marrow until you wanna hide under the rug and never come out - how cats manage to sleep SO soundly, you realize you'll never sleep like that even if you take 4000 sleeping pills and 10 gallons of warm milk---lesson learned: when cats sleep, they sleep---just sit and admire - a treatise which proves that cats scratching furniture---in ancient times---actually led to the sculptures of Michelangelo, Bernini, Rodin and Picasso (see, they scratched these sculptures with their claws): See my Scratching Posts, Sculpture and Super-Talented Cats: Did Cats Really Build Ancient Rome? (Chicago, 1990); it's a page-turner This is getting long...I'll move on... SIX Dogs! Here's how dogs appear to a cat: One day a dog entered Molly's back yard: He barked, crouched on his front paws, barked again, ran in circles for 20 minutes (!), stopped dead-in-his-tracks for no good reason, then yelped loudly---causing 3 squirrels to pass out---crouched on his front paws again ("puh-leeeease" said Molly), then lunged at Molly, his ears flying, his tongue flapping all over the place (I've actually seen their tongues fly off sometimes), and barked at Molly like crazy; at which Molly---who hadn't moved an inch this whole time---sat up, quietly swiped her paw, and hissed. That's all it took, ladies and gentlemen: The dog jumped, barked 400 more times, and disappeared... "Dogs," muttered Molly. Then she licked her paw, and went home... SEVENWhat cats bring you: Dead rats, dead mice, dead other things, dead insects, some not-so-dead insects---who are nevertheless not thrilled to be there---fur balls, yarn balls, other balls, whatever balls, dead birds, dead dinosaurs, dead dead things, and things that were probably alive but which no longer represent anything known to human beings, and which no one can identify for the life of them... These are called, "Tokens of Appreciation." (Hey, they're cats...) EIGHTThey jump in your lap explaining that Loving and Caring take precedence over everything-else-in-the-universe...that their purrs contain not only unqualified Declarations of Love, but caveats that if you DON'T cuddle them, they'll meow and meow until you give up everything and scoop them in your arms and love them. Then you'll be granted their love for Eternity---this is the great gift of cats... --------- 9 FINALLY, A MEDITATION "WHEN A CAT STARES" they're soaking you in with all their hearts... they're marveling at your form, how you fit into this vast globe...and, above all, how you became their 'human', out of all the humans in the world: Cats choose us, we don't choose them: This is understood by all cats... so when they sit there, all coiled up---their bodies expanding - contracting like little furry bellows---they're opening your soul up like a jar, and pouring-in their wisdom...and, as all cats lovers know, this is their supreme gift. Thus their stares are no less than fur-covered thank yous, as they absorb your soul like little cosmic sponges; and they offer, in return, their eternal love: If it's offered, you simply have to take it. Finally, Molly wrote, for this dedi: "For one of the most wonderful humans a cat could ever know..." (Me:) Happy Birthday, Barb! May you be blessed with the gifts of love - there are many and you deserve them all - with huge hugs and huge uplift to your sweet and magic soul, m ---------