Atriatix and PSP8: My grandfather once told me about his experience with drowning. He said its not very hard. It burns, but its a lot like breathing something thick. So he allowed himself to just slowly sink until the watcher's hand reached in and grabbed him up. I saw the movie 'The Abyss', and if you haven't seen it, there is a part where they explain about liquid that someone can breathe without incident, much like amniotic fluid. There is a moment when the character has to get accustomed to it and at the last moment before breathing it in, he panics. That moment. That panic. It reminded me of dying and our wills to survive. Or the will to NOT. It also reminded me of the tarot 'death' card in its truer meaning 'change'. Like a semi-death, adjustment to this change comes in stages. On stages, I found the five listed stages of death / profound change: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. I look at the words and they seem to sink and sink and sink to the bottom of some unknown reality, all the while, morphing and changing and twisting to work within the confines of its nature yet fight the transition. Hmmm much like a fractal to me, actually, but I won't go there. What if we go through all of these phases/stages repeatedly? The hamster wheel squeaks and squeals until just the noise of it is enough, I think. And yes, I think it is quite enough. So I accept my drowning in this new environment, before I'm even there. I've had my fit, my panic, I've had my efforts and recycling contemplative bargaining rebuked and like Pavlov's dog I was still running for the bell until this time. I was insane, trying everything, and trying that everything over again, like I would have different results. The same parameters will get me the same fractal. (Sorry. I had to.) BUT This time there is no need. This time there is acceptance. I see it coming like the horizon on a new day, like a hand reaching in to pull me out from the depths to find myself washed like a baby in a baptismal robe. I am becoming cleansed and more alive every moment that this dies away from me. I am finding a way to ease into the depth of my life on a different scale. laura