August 22nd 2004 Dear Diary, Some people say that love is almost as equally painful as it is joyous. I am one to agree with this theory. Well, today I found out that my ex is in another relationship with an acquaintance of mine. This is surprising, seeing as my ex is an Atheist and the new girl is a devout Catholic and all the while my ex told me there was nothing going on. I suspected differently, though, and often times - such as this - my intuition is correct. The sad thing is, though I am completely and totally over my ex, when I heard about the new relationship with this other girl, it felt like someone just stuck my heart in a meat grinder and made mince if it. There was this knot in my stomach and my eyes started welling up with tears and I felt nauseous and before I knew it I was crying my eyes out for no reason other than my ex had moved on. Maybe I'm wrong in thinking that there isn't emotional attachment anymore...maybe I'm wrong in thinking that this person ever loved me, seeing as they're certainly having no trouble in picking up where they left off in the dating world. We broke up last week and within a few days this other girl comes into the picture. It makes the most sense to me to assume that my ex was perhaps having feelings for her on the side. This doesn't upset me, mind you - it's more of a shock than anything else. Not to mention it hurts very, very badly even though there are no feelings of love between us anymore. I think that when you really and truly have your first love, and lay awake at night thinking about them and the times you've spent together, and your first kiss with that person, and how it makes you feel to be with them...and then you break up, even if it's your own doing...there is still a part of you that yearns for them. In my case this is certainly true. I cried for two days, and I was the one who ended it! Does that make me a hypocrite? Perhaps it does. At that point, I was so distraught over what had happened that I didn't care about being hypocritical, when usually that's the one thing I try to avoid. Oh well...the next person that comes into my life as more than a friend will have the utmost respect for me, because I'm a good person and that's what I deserve from a relationship - romantic or otherwise. After what I've been through with people, and guys, and the assholes that have come into my life, the only thing I can do to ensure a safe, healthy relationship with another person - be it a romance, a friendship, even partnership in business the future - is to have a strict set of rules and have a list of certain red flags that should be looked for. Another thing that comes into play with this situation is something that my mother has said for a long time: "You can't love another person if you don't love yourself first." Well, it goes without saying that my ex was quite insecure, flipping out when I mentioned wearing eyeliner and things like that. It's my choice over whether or not I paint my face like and clown! I mean, for God's sake! I don't need a controlling person like that in my life, anyway. I suppose there's nothing I can do now but wait for the few good people to come around, if they ever do. Change is good sometimes. Change is quite necessary to one's existence. Maybe my path will divert. Maybe the one who will change most of all is me. Will it be for the better? In all honesty, I don't know - but I'm not going to try and find out ahead of schedule like I usually do. I think I'll let Fate and Goddess decide...I'm leaving everything entirely up to them now. It seems when I choose to tamper with things beyond my control I end up in a heap anyway. I cannot choose what path I take in life; that is chosen by something higher than myself. But I sure as hell can kick out the pebbles along the way. -Summer, age 15