Sorry to post this but I gotta vent. More cop problems today. Those of you who don't know me, I'm a homeless man in the Seattle area living in my car. Cop wakes me today and this one is the meanest one yet. I suspect he broke a number of laws in how he treated me--but it's his word against mine. State law requires that I get 72 hours notice to move the car. This cop today says "move the car right now!" He didn't believe the car was broken down. I had to demonstrate for him. He wants the car gone out of Shoreline (the city the car is parked in) entirely...or else. He was *very* mad at me. Cops are one of the biggest reasons I feel suicidal. I'm one of the people police are supposed to help. But cops are the very people who make me feel the most unsafe of all. They're the people I need protection from the most. Worse than the mafia imho. Jesus himself said, "as ye do unto the least of these, ye do unto me". In a genuinely christian society, I'd be getting compassion and help from the police, not punishment and threats and contempt and anger. Most of you have no idea at all how much pain I am in, how much I hate my life, how powerless I feel to change any part of my life. To me the entire 38 years I've been alive is 38 years of living hell. I never wanted to live this way. I never wanted to be mentally ill, or be severely hard of hearing, or unable to keep a job, any job, for long. And I don't why I'm not able to keep a job--I have tried many many many times. I was in therapy for years trying to figure it out and even my therapist never figured it out. Sick to death of the attitudes I encounter especially with police. I was a working homeless man many times--I was a homeless college student just 2 months ago. Don't tell me I wasn't trying. Don't tell me I wasn't holding my end up. I did the best I could with what I had. I deserve better than to be made a criminal. I didn't choose to be homeless. Thoughts I have to deal with every day: 1.Nobody in chat really cares about me--I'm just a toy, another means of entertainment--the moment I stop being fun is the moment every one starts to leave. 2. I'm total garbage. I'm worth totally nothing. I can't make anyone anywhere happy with me. No employer would ever be happy with me. No girlfriend would ever be happy with me. No friend cares much about me. 3.Everybody'd be better off--especially me--if I was dead. Cause then at least I don't have to worry about cops and impounds and losing everything I own over and over and over and over again. You can't punish a dead person. Some of you have heard me say such thoughts before and told me "not true". I have 20 years of reasons to believe every single one of those thoughts is true. No friend of mine has ever given me a reason why those thought are NOT true. Most of the time being a toy is ok. It's fun, usually, and distracts me from the pain I live with every minute of the day. But.... But sometimes I just want to talk about the hurt...But nobody wants to talk about that. I've even had people in chat tell me outright, "I don't want to hear it". Gee....If it's so awful just to hear....imagine how much worse it has to be to actually *LIVE* it, as I do. I don't know why I've never been able to get a middle class job, or why I've never been able to keep even a miminum wage job for long. I figure it's because I'm just not good enough. I know no one really understands. You'd have to be in my mind for 38 years to really get it. To experience my childhood, experience what I've gone through, experience the thoughts and moods I have to deal with. You'd have to experience mental illness to understand it at a gut level. I hate being me. Hate it, hate it, hate it. Don't even know what I'm still alive for. Life feels too much like a punishment.