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Subject: Weep For ME

topgunner1024 opened this issue on Dec 06, 2003 · 5 posts
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topgunner1024 ( ) posted Sat, 06 December 2003 at 8:56 PM · edited Fri, 20 September 2024 at 10:21 AM

Softly As a child dies in the cold solace of his mothers breast We weep In the contemplation that is what? Our minds. Our hearts. Our souls. Our being. And we dine And we dance And the child we neglected is dead

Crescent ( ) posted Fri, 12 December 2003 at 9:10 PM

The first 2 lines and the last three give me some strong images that juxtapose nicely. I don't know if you meant it this way, but it would work well as part of a larger political piece/collection. Nitpicks: I'd either punctuate all of it or just use the line breaks to get the pauses across. Also, please capitalize the w in line 5. Cheers!

topgunner1024 ( ) posted Sun, 14 December 2003 at 4:03 PM

I appreciate the nitpicks, The pucuation in those four lines was just my fingers doing what there used to when they type. It's hard for me to break those habits. Thanks for the comment, it was meant to be a political issue, perhaps I'll post more soon.

Mestophales ( ) posted Tue, 16 December 2003 at 3:20 PM

Did you post this in the gallery as well? I think this would be something I would like to vote for.

topgunner1024 ( ) posted Wed, 17 December 2003 at 5:23 PM

Thanks for the compliment...I don't know how to post in the writers gallery. I stopped signing on to renderosity for a few months and when I came back everything had changed...If someone lets me know how than I'll post it. ;(

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