For those of you that are traveling for the holidays: Here are some conversations that airline passengers normally will never hear. The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers around the world. ================================================= "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees." "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?" ============================================================ Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!" ============================================================ From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long take-off queue: "I'm f...ing bored!" Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!" Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!" ============================================================ A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?" Student: "When I was number one for take-off." ============================================================ A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport." ============================================================ There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach." ============================================================ Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot." ============================================================ A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?" Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English." Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?" Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war." ============================================================ Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for take-off, contact Departure on frequency 124.7" Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway." Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for take-off behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?" Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for take-off, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers." ========================================================== One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one." ============================================================ The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206. Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway." Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now." Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark -- and I didn't land."

LOL! That is really funny!

And people wonder why I don't like to fly,..........thanks, very funny.

Having both a father and a brother as pilots I can tell you these sort of things can happen :) and they're funny as hell. unless, of course, the FAA catches you. in which case, you're screwed. drac

Hilarious stuff! Glad I don't have to fly anywhere soon.

I love these stories. I like the 7 engine approach one best. I was once on a transatlantic flight and there must have been a big queue since we slowed down more and more and finally made our approach. We were going SLOW. Cars on the road along side the airport were passing us ;-). They kept extending the flaps until I thought they would fall off. So I listened to the cockpit over the radio and heard the tower: "Er, can you guys slow it down a bit more?" Pilot (in a slightly amazed voice) "Er how much slower?" "Maybe another 15 knots?" "er Sure." I've never heard such a cheer when we finally touched the runway.

My favorite is the last one,...... Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark -- and I didn't land."

Loved these! Thanks a lot!!!!

These are real. I was present at both times (but I'm not sure of the dates)... At a Biggin Hill (UK) Air-show, just after a Globemaster (BIIIIG transport aircraft) had landed: From tower "We can see your tail. Please taxi to your destination point". From Globemaster "I've got a follow-me van behind me, an air-marshal van beside me and a small frightening plane taking off in front of me. I'm staying put!" (The small frightening plane was a Spitfire). Landing at Heathrow in a Jumbo: Comment from Pilot: "I'm sorry for the bumpy landing. We landed perfectly on autopilot six feet above the ground". Cheers, Diolma

Hmm, I'm flying to Singapore next week, will have to print these and pass them out on the plane :)

Having spent 3 hours in frankfurt airport last night rather then the expected 45 minutes........ My favourites are from a list of engineering replies to pilot problem reports:- Pilot: Throttle locks make throttle levers hard to move. Engineer: That's what they're supposed to do... Pilot: When engaged for level flight, autopilot loses 200ft per mile. Engineer: could not re-create problem on ground. :)

On a Pacific flight to Kauai, Stewardess : In case of a water landing your seat cushion is a floatation device. Intoxicated Passenger ( Me ): Can this plane really land on water? or would that be considered a crash. Warning...never ever say this on a passenger plane, they get extremely upset.