Two fish were swiming up river when one of them hit a concrete wall and said "Damn!" A woman gave up her twin sons at birth. One went to Spain and was named Juan, the other to Egypt and was named Ahmal. Years later Juan sent his birth mother a picture of himself. The mother looked at the picture lovingly and told her husband she wished she had a picture of Ahmal. He replied: "What for, they're twins. When you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal." A guy sent out 10 puns to his friends to see if they would laugh. Unfortunately, No-pun-in-ten-did.

hmmm . . .I can't resist. There's a new church in Nevada run by monks. The only donations they accept are casino chips from nearby casinos. That's because they are Chipmonks.

:) lol Keep'em comin'

Insert long shaggy dog story.."Pardon me Roy, is that the cat that ate your new shoes?"..sorry..;)

OK, this one's a little long... you have been warned... A frog hops into his local bank, up onto the counter, and smiles sweetly at the cash clerk. She blinks in surprise, and says, 'Can I help you?' The frog glanced at her name tag. 'Yes, please... Patricia? I'd like to take out a loan.' 'A loan?' 'Yes, that's right. I'd like to borrow $1,000,000.' 'A million - may I ask what for?' 'I'm hoping to buy a yacht.' 'But you're a - I mean, you - ' The frog looks confused at her for a second, while she regains composure. finally, she says, 'Well, we can't just give you our money. You have to have collateral.' 'Collateral? what's that?' 'It's something you own of value, that we can take if you default on the payments.' 'Ah, yes, I know all about that. Here, I brought this.' and the frog extends his tongue, revealing it to be holding some sort of plastic cracker toy at the tip. The cash clerk takes it dubiously, not least because it's covered in frog spit. 'Um... what is this?' 'It's my collateral.' 'You want to put this up in exchange for a million dollars?! I'm sorry, sir, but are you crazy?' The frog sighs. 'Look Patricia - I can still call you Patricia, can't I? - just go in and talk to your manager, and I'm sure everything will be sorted. Just tell him Kermit Jagger is out here.' So the clerk picks up the little cracker toy, and heads to the manager's office. The managers looks up from his huge oak desk. 'Ah, Miss Whack. How can I help you?' 'Well, there's a frog on my desk, asking to take out a loan, sir.' 'A loan? How much does he want?' 'A million dollars, sir.' 'And what does he want it for?' 'He says he wants to buy a yacht, sir.' 'I see... did he bring any sort of collateral?' 'Yes - no - well, not really, sir. He just gave me this, sir.' and she hands the thing to the manager, who sits up and seems to be struck by something all of a sudden. 'What did this frog say his name was, Miss Whack?' 'Um, Kermit, sir. Kermit Jagger. Look, sir, what should I do? I don't even know what tht thing is!' The manager, sighed, and settled back in his plush leather chair. Tossing the thing back at the clerk, he said.... 'IT'S A KNICK-KNACK, PATTY WHACK. GIVE THE FROG A LOAN. HIS OLD MAN'S A ROLLING STONE!' (I'm so, SO sorry!) jonthecelt

jonthecelt, Don't you DARE apologize for that!!!! It wasn't merely awe-some. It was awe-full!

@ pakled, sorry not getting the shaggy dog reference. @ jonthecelt: Yeah, you're banned from this thread ;)

Awesome jonthecelt, just hilarious!

bandolin: a shaggydog story is one similar to the one I told/wrote... a long and incredibly rambling tale (my father taught me, the more rambling the better) which leads up to a single simple, groan-worthy, and generally pun-laden punchline. And I'm sorry to say, I know EXACTLY which tale it is that pakled is referring to... my father told me many MANY tales over the years. (now banning himself from the thread, as per bandolin's instructions...*) jonthecelt *well, for now, anyway... at least until another one crops up in his head!!!

jonthecelt: All the way to the bottom for that!!! You're in my next pic, getting shot [rofl].

A family went to watch a 007 movie at the theatre, it was a bonding experience. The soundtrack for the killer whale movie was orcastrated. If actions speak louder than words then why can't you hear mime artists? Did you hear the one about the tall wizard who complained he couldn't cast any spells because he was short staffed? First time hunters were arguing over which kind of animal tracks they had found when they were hit by a train.

How do you catch a unique rabbit? - U nique up on it. How do you catch a tame rabbit? - Tame way, u nique up on it. (more to follow... mwahahahahahaa!) jonthecelt

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? It was dead. jonthecelt

Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree? It was stapled to the first monkey. jonthecelt

Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree? It thought it was a game. jonthecelt

What's large, heavy, has four legs, six pockets, wears a tartan scarf, and if it fell out of a tree, would kill you? Rupert the pool table! jonthecelt

"May I join you?" "Why, am I falling apart?"

...a ham sandwich walked into a bar and ordered a beer. Bartender said,"Sorry, we don't serve food."

Three strings were walking down the street in 90-degree heat. They'd been complaining about how hot and thirsty there were when they came across a pub. One string said, "I'm going in and getting a beer." Another string said, "I doubt they'll serve you, you're a string." The string went in anyway and ordered a beer. The bartender said, "Hey, ain't you a string?" The string answered in the afirmative. Bartender said, "We don't serve strings in here, get out!" The string left and told his buddies what happened. The second string said, "I'm gonna try" and entered the bar and ordered a beer. The bartender again asked, "Ain't you a string?" The string said yes and got thrown out. He left and told his buddies what happened. The third string decided to try. But before entering the bar, he unraveled himself at both ends and tied himself around the middle. He walked into the bar and ordered a beer. The bartender asked, "Are you another string??!" The string shook his head and answered: "I'm a frayed knot."

A restaurant in Liverpool (UK) was serving exotic food and drink. A man went in and ordered the "marsupial tea". It arrived, but after a couple of sips, the man called the waiter and complained: "There are hairs in this tea!". The waiter looked down his nose at him and haughtily said "I'm sorry Sir, but the Koala tea of Mersey is not strained."

NEWSFLASH!!!! There's a new scientific breakthrough, developed by the Scandinavians, helipng to cure congenital blindness. Apparently there is, on one of the Maltese peaks, a plateau facing directly east. By blindfolding the patient, leading him up there, and whipping off the blindfold at precisely the right moment, just as the sun rises off the horizon, the irises are stimulated into contracting, the eyelids wince, and vision is restored. The scientists who have developed this method have shown astonishing results with patients across Europe and the former Eastern Bloc countries. There is one curious anomaly, however: for some reason, the natives or Norway seem to be immune to this treatment. For several months, they pondered what this anomaly could mean. They tested different angles, altered the moment when the blindfold would be removed, adjusted every possible variable that could possibly have a bearing on the experiments. Eventually, one of the assistants uncovered the mystery. It turned out there was an ancient piece of wisdom which, in all their new-found technology and science, the good doctors had forgotten: YOU CAN TAKE A NORSE TO MALTA, BUT YOU CAN'T MAKE HIM BLINK. jonthecelt (see, I warned you I'd be back!)

(I'm itching to tell Roy's tale, as so aptly finished by pakled earlier in this thread...)

jonthecelt

Message edited on: 02/15/2006 17:12

A man with one ear walks into a bar. The bartender asks "Can I get you a drink?" The man replies "No thanks; I've got one ear."

A forward-thinking Fortune 500 company decided to make the transition from Windows to Linux, but only gave their IT department one weekend to switch everything over. The actual install process went surprisingly smoothly, but then they ran into a problem trying to get the network to recognize all of the computers. They quickly traced this to the server needing to know the original Windows IP for each and every terminal in the building before it could assign a new Linux IP. The machines were all offline and had to have the IPs manually copied from their monitors, so the two IT workers frantically rushed through the office cubicle by cubicle, jotting them all down, along with the user's name for each. With only minutes left before Monday morning's shift, the lead admin noticed that there was one IP/name missing, and asked his assistant if perhaps he had memorized it but forgotten to write it down. "Who was it, sir?" "Wyatt from accounting" "Mr. Hertz?" "Yes" "Damnit! I don't know Wyatt Hertz' Win IP!!!" /ducks to avoid incoming rotten food projectiles...

Here is one I have read with many variations:- An America couple was being shown around Moscow one day, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife. "No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain," he said. Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. "Let's not fight about it!" the man said. "Let's ask our guide, Rudolph, whether it's officially raining or snowing." As their tour guide approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?" "It's raining, of course," he replied officiously. But the woman insisted, "I know that it felt like snow!" The man quietly replied, "Rudolph, the Red, knows rain, dear!"

A man walks into the tailor shop and says "I want you to give me a fit" so the tailor did.

Historians have recently revealed one of the secrets to the success Alexander the Great had as a military commander. Before a battle he would divide his army so that it could attack an enemy simultaneously from three sides. What made this strategy so effective was the timing of all three forces attacking at once, which was unheard of in the ancient world. The problem was obviously one of coordinating the attacks. Since radio obviously was a thousand years in the future, as were time keeping devices that were accurate enough to be depended on there seemed to be no way to achieve this. Now however the secret can be told. One of Alexander's commanders developed a color changing dye. If pieces of cloth were dyed at the same time, they would later change color at the same time. Thus, the army would dye rags and tie them to their arms. When the dye changed color, they would attack knowing the other elements of the army were attacking at the same time. Historians have dubbed this Alexander's rag time band.

I have a few "bad pun" images in my gallery, including one based on the "give the frog a loan" story... unfortunately, I forgot to post this image here. All of my humor images can be found at my own site: Gallery Page. Just be warned that some jokes are real "groaners". :) And, yes, this thread gave me plenty of good ideas for my next image... or should that be "bad ideas"? :) --John

A mother skunk had two little skunk boys, who were named Out and In. Neither child would stay in the house when the other was there, so when ever Out was in, In would go out, and vice versa. One day when In was out and Out was in, the mother said, "Out, go out and find In and bring him in. It's time for dinner." So Out went out and immediately returned with his brother. The mother was shocked that the two skunks had come back so quickly, so she asked Out, "Out, however did you find your brother so quickly in the whole huge forest?" The little skunk shrugged and replied "Simple. In stinct." - Jimdoria ~@>@