OK,.........you may have seen these already,........if so please ignore. I thought they were funny.

Subject: Neologisms

 Once again, The Washington Post  has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate

meanings for common words.
    
    The winners are:

    1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

   
    2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have
    gained.

   
    3 . Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

   
    4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

   
    5.  Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

   
    6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

   
    7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

   
    8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

   
    9.  Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

   
    10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

   
    11.  Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

   
    12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by
    proctologists.

   
    13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

   
    14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with
    Yiddishisms.

   
    15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and  gets stuck there.

   
    16. Circumvent  (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
 
 

    The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers  to take any word from the  dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and 

supply a new definition.
   
    Here are this year's winners:

    1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops  bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone  layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of

breaking down in the near future.
   
    2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

   
    3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

   
    4. Giraffiti  (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

   
    5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

   
    6.  Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

   
    7.  Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

   
    8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra
    credit.)

   
    9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these   really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious

bummer.

   
    10 Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day
    consuming only things that are good for you.

   
    11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

   
    12. Dopeler effect  (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

   
    13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after
    you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

   
    14. Beelzebug (n.):  Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into
    your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

   
    15. Caterpallor  (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

    And the pick of the literature:

    16. Ignoranus  (n): A person who's both "stupid and an asshole"*.

Heh heh! That made my day. Thanks! (now my stomache's going to be sore)

I just love #16

We should start a thread about 'Americanisms' - that is, the tendancy Americans have to bastardise the English language. (No disrespect to our cousins across the pond)

For instance:
'On the job'   - American for hard at work. English for *having sex.
*'Pissed'          - American for very angry.    English for very drunk.

It's English 2.0
;^)

At least now I can hold my head up high and simply say 'Don't worry, that was just an Arachnoleptic fit'

LMAO!!

ROTFLMAO…brilliant, these are great, not to mention hysterically funny! Thanks for the hearty laughs. My neighbors will be knocking on my door soon.

I once had a girlfriend who delighted me with her malapropisms.
Whether or she intended them or not, I never found out, and I've forgotten most of them, but a few that remain crystal clear in my memory are:

"Let's put up the Christmas detonations".

"Shall we go for a drive in the naughtymobile?" (not sure if that qualifies as a malapropism - but never mind...)

"Let's go to McDonald's and have a beef-bugger" (had to think twice about that one!)

"Tomorrow's the 14th - Valentine's joy!"

"Oh! Good - they're having a bar distension" (referring to extended opening hours at the pub we were in at the time - probably my favourite malapropism that I heard from her..)

There were lots more, but my forgetory is working overtime :-(

Cheers,
Diolma

Knocked up- British for Knocking on the Door. American for getting pregnant.
Shagging- British for working on getting ready to get pregnant. Americanism- either bad carpet from the 70's, or a strange dance common to North and South Carolina..;)
"Americans and Britons are 2 people separated by a common language" - George Bernard Shaw

Love it, I'm spreading these around at work.

'On the job'   - American for hard at work. English for *having sex.

**and the difference is?

(grin)***

A couple of 'Americanisms' I heard recently,

The CSI were going to 'Forensicate' the appartment...........

A guy was going to 'de-virginise' his girlfriend.....

go figure.................................