What to Do With Hotel Soap

The following letters were taken from an actual incident between a
London hotel and one of it's guests. The Hotel submitted the letters to
the London Sunday Times
                            for their humor column.

Dear Maid,

     Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my
bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the
six unopened little
bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the
shower soap dish. They are in my way.

Thank you,
S. Berman

Dear Room 635,

     I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday,
from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish
as you requested. The
6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your
Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only
the 3 bars I left today
which my instructions from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I
hope this is satisfactory.

Kathy, Relief Maid

Dear Maid - I hope you are my regular maid.

     Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning
the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found
you had added 3
little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be
here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial
so I won't need
those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when
shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them.

S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman,

     My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps
which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were
in your way on the
shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial
in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove the 3
complimentary soaps
which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new
check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last
Monday. Please let me know if
I can of further assistance.

Your regular maid,
Dotty

Dear Mr. Berman,

     The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this morning that
you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid
service. I have
assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies
for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints please
contact me so I can give
it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.Thank
you.

Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper

Dear Miss Carmen,

     It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel
for business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6PM. That's
the reason I called Mr.
Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr.
Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The
new maid you assigned me
must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3
bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular
delivery of 3 bars on the
bath-room shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars
of soap. Why are you doing this to me?

S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman,

     Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to
your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance,
please call
extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.Thank you,

Elaine Carmen,
Housekeeper

Dear Mr. Kensedder,

     My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my
room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had
to call the bellhop
to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.

S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman,

     I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap
problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since
our maids are
instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The
situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for
the inconvenience.

Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager

Dear Mrs. Carmen,

     Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in
last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars
of Camay. I want my one
damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in
here. All I want is my bath size Dial. Please give me back my bath-size
Dial.

S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman,

     You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed.
Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I
personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3
Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don't know anything about
the 4
Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had
returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily
Camays. I don't know
where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to
locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.

Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper

Dear Mrs. Carmen,

Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory.
As of today I possess:

     - On the shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4
and 1 stack of 2.
     - On the Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack
of 3.
     - On the bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet,
     - 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
     - Inside the medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1
stack of 2.
     - In the shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
     - On the northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly
used.
     - On the northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.

     Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks
are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more
than 4 have
a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in
use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more
item, I have
purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel
vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.

S. Berman

Fantastic - Id pay big money for that class of incompetence!

rofl!

OMG! How very Pythonesque!

Totally insane...A homeless pal of mine who wound up living in a day rate hotel for a year found that he only used one per week so he wound up doing carvings of the area in them using his thumb and a toothpick. They look for all the world like carved ivory and I am in possession of all he carved in that period as he passed away some time back and I wound up his affairs as he had no family. I will post here when I get the web page up but it's gonna be a bit yet as they all have to be photographed with back light to display the depth of the carving and the light's blown on my light table and I haven't replaced it since I got a computer in '97...LOL.. ...

LOL!!! And to think I use up all the shower gel at one go and keep asking for more..esp if it's a good brand like neutrogena!! Hilarious woman...

Hehehehehehehehehe
Hilarious!
Thanks for the laugh!

Corrie

...now that's comedy.

OCD on the road...;)

Hell! I'd have kicked the guest out on the street if it were my hotel. :lol:

"*Hell! I'd have kicked the guest out on the street if it were my hotel" * I didn't know Basil Fawlty lived on Mars!

 Hey Bryster
Since there is no gravity on Mars do all those little bars of soap float to the ceiling instead of sitting on the shelves in each room?

If so, I'll bet you have the cleanest ceilings anywhere.

Did some quick checking via the internet on a suspicion I had. I noticed that the the guest's name was "S. Berman".
Turns out that this was originally taken from a humor (or, Humour, if you prefer) piece written by American comedian and actor Shelley Berman. Even if it didn't actually take place in a London hotel it's still funny. http://www.shelleyberman.com/littlesoaps.htm 

Since there is no gravity on Mars do all those little bars of soap float to the ceiling instead of sitting on the shelves in each room?

Er...which planet Mars were you thinking off.

http://www.zyra.org.uk/gravities.htm