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Poser - OFFICIAL F.A.Q (Last Updated: 2024 Nov 11 8:37 pm)
Subject: OT: Joke du jour
HAHAH!!
Quote - A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, God said, 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'
The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'
God replied, 'Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help man kind.'
The biker thought about it for a long time.
Finally, he said, 'God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.
God replied:
'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
I'll probably get in trouble for posting this:
A store that sells new husbands has opened in Manchester, just off Elm Street where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: Floor 2 -These men Have Jobs and love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 -These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 -These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. ..
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: Floor 6- You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor ... This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE: To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street with the same rules.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and like beer.
The third floor has wives that love sex, like beer and have money.
The fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
Gary
"Those who lose themselves in a passion lose less than those who lose their passion"
Claire got me from the 5th floor. :)
But I lost me job. Oh well.
Coppula eam se non posit acceptera jocularum.
Coppula eam se non posit acceptera jocularum.
Content Advisory! This message contains profanity
I've read some of those sites where they show the funny Facebook stuff...lol. The funniest one I saw:
Sickeningly Sweet and Cheerful Girl: Hi everyone! Why don't you tell me your reason for waking up in the morning?!
Somewhat cheerful person: my job
Somewhat cheerful person #2: my wife
Sourpuss: the fucking sun.
Laurie
Belated Superbowl Joke
Football and the Blonde
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.
They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked it.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was... 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"
Gary
"Those who lose themselves in a passion lose less than those who lose their passion"
A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to his barber who responded,
"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking American Airlines," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"American Airlines?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."
"That dump? That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of American Airlines s brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28-year-old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel -- it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job, and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."
"Really?" asked the barber. "What'd he say?"
He said, "Where'd you get the shitty haircut?"
Gary
"Those who lose themselves in a passion lose less than those who lose their passion"
Top joke, grichter. Thanks for that.
Coppula eam se non posit acceptera jocularum.
Heh.
Claire slapped me round the head, if that's any consolation.
Coppula eam se non posit acceptera jocularum.
Why one should never play Golf on Valentines Day...
A husband reluctantly agreed to play in the couples' alternate shot Valentines Day tournament at his club.
He teed off on the first hole, a par four, and blistered a drive 300 yards down the middle of the fairway. Upon reaching the ball, the husband said to his wife, "Just hit it toward the green, anywhere around there will be fine."
The wife proceeded to shank the ball deep into the woods.
Undaunted, the husband said "That's OK, Sweetheart" and spent the full five minutes looking for the ball. He found it just in time but in a horrible position. He played the shot of his life to get the ball within two feet of the hole. He told his wife to knock the ball in.
His wife then proceeded to knock the ball off the green and into a bunker.
Still maintaining composure, the husband summoned all of his skill and holed the shot from the bunker.
He took the ball out of the hole and, while walking off the green, put his arm around his wife and calmly said, "Honey, that was a bogey five and that's OK, but I think we can do better on the next hole".
To which she replied, "Listen asshole, don't bitch at me, only 2 of those 5 shots were mine."
Gary
"Those who lose themselves in a passion lose less than those who lose their passion"
This one is for Sam Therapy
Cleaned up to keep the Mod's happy
A good IRISH joke doesn't have to wait till St. Patrick’s Day. This is one of them.
At the National Art Gallery in Dublin , a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.
The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black toast, but the one in the middle had a pink toast.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.
He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of black men in a predominately white, patriarchal society. 'In fact,' he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink toast also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.'
After the curator left, an Irishman, approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'
'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?' asked the couple.
'Because I'm the guy who painted it,' he replied. 'In fact, there are no black men depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.
Gary
"Those who lose themselves in a passion lose less than those who lose their passion"
Attached Link: Genuine Car Advert on EBay
You have to read this. Long but worth it.Coppula eam se non posit acceptera jocularum.
An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut, but he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.
The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does".
:lol:
What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal one?
The flavour.
Coppula eam se non posit acceptera jocularum.
Khai-J-Bach, in the last 8 hours I have had to clean my key board not once, but twice after reading what you posted. Ya think I would be smart enough by now to enter this thread with no coffee with in a hundred miles of my puter....:blink:
Gary
"Those who lose themselves in a passion lose less than those who lose their passion"
A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."
The man perks up.
"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher no w, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes" says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting granite counter tops."
A Russian and Ole the Norwegian wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal. Before the final match, the Norwegian wrestling coach came to Ole and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has". Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished'. Ole nodded in acknowledgment.
As the match started, Ole and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing Ole and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the coach buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.
Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the coach raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and Ole collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match. The crowd went crazy. The coach was astounded.
When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"
Ole answered, "Vell, I vas ready to give up ven he got me in dat hold, but at da last moment, I opened my eyes and saw dis pair of testicles right in front of my face...I had nuttin' to lose so wid my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit dose babies just as hard as I could."
So the trainer exclaimed, "That's what finished him off!"
"Vel not really.
You'd be amazed how strong you get ven you bite your own nuts!"
Four guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Ron's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do?
Two days later the remaining three get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.
"Damn man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since yesterday. The evening before I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'"
I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie. She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did.
And then she said, "Do whatever you want."
"So, here I am."
Gary
"Those who lose themselves in a passion lose less than those who lose their passion"
This ons for BB and the MatMatic Users
March 14 in the US is considered National Pi Day or just the first 30 numbers of 3.14159265358979323846264338327950288419716939937510582097494459230781640628
So, what do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin pi!
(rimshot)
Gary
"Those who lose themselves in a passion lose less than those who lose their passion"
Question to all that read this post...
Where would you be....
If you had all the money your heart desires? (and could even buy everything in your Rendo wishlist).
If you had the most fabulous home, in the perfect neighborhood?
If your partner was awaiting you with open arms and kisses?
If you came home every night to the finest gourmet meals waiting for you?
If you had the perfect kids?
If you had no worries?
So where would you be?
Well......HELLOOOOOOOOOOOO!
You'd be in the wrong damn house!
Gary
"Those who lose themselves in a passion lose less than those who lose their passion"
Quote - Question to all that read this post...
Where would you be....
If you had all the money your heart desires? (and could even buy everything in your Rendo wishlist).
If you had the most fabulous home, in the perfect neighborhood?
If your partner was awaiting you with open arms and kisses?
If you came home every night to the finest gourmet meals waiting for you?
If you had the perfect kids?
If you had no worries?
So where would you be?
Well......HELLOOOOOOOOOOOO!
You'd be in the wrong damn house!
Nope, I'd be right here, well figuratively speaking. I'd still have my wife and kids and we'd be living on the outskirts of Sheffield in a Village called Bradwell but I'd still be reading the forum on nights when I'm not doing much of anything else, except wait for a render to finish. :P
Coppula eam se non posit acceptera jocularum.
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A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, God said, 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'
The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'
God replied, 'Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help man kind.'
The biker thought about it for a long time.
Finally, he said, 'God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.
God replied:
'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
Coppula eam se non posit acceptera jocularum.
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