ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2012 EUROPE

By John Cleese (British writer, actor and tall person):

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

-- John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person

A final thought -" Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC."

Ah, John Cleese...the second funniest tall person ever. (The funniest would be Abraham Lincoln; don't ask me why, he just never fails to make me laugh.)

Thank you, Bryster, for cheering me up! Now it'll take hours to get my grump back on...

LOL thanks for making my day! The one about the French is positively hilarious!

Nice work Chris

Seen this already, but very funny stuff...

(laughing) This is the best I've seen in a long time.  I'm jacking it to friends on facebook. 

Hehehe
Good ones!

Love the final thought.
How true.

Corrie

Yeah the French bit is good but the bit that really made me laugh is the bit about the Spanish.

Where is this from?

Is there any more?   I want more.

With only 2 partially operational frigates, no airforce anymore and an army that purchases equipment that constantly malfunctions the New Zealand Goverment recently announced the following changes to the national security ratings.

1----- Bugger!

2------Oh Shit!!

3------Bloody Hell !!!!!

4------We're Buggered!!!!!!!!

Cheers

GG

Thanks Chris...I now have my new FB status for today...LOL....

@ kiwi_gg...we're little better in Canada as we seem to buy all our planes and boats from Britian...the one's they've broken and can't figger out how to fix so they give them a cosmetic make over and send em to the colonies, hee hee hee

Must ask, someone throw in the American threat levels. We are feeling left out=(

lol Ah so true about us Scots! ;)

Some of my folks were in the Cameronians (our local regiment before they all got shut down/sold off), the Kaiser himself, in World War 1 named the Cameronians the "Poison Dwarves" 'cause they were such mean little bastards :P

The USA raised their terror alert from code orange to "something near muave". No one is sure what that means-- same as the 37 other colors of threat.

Quote - The USA raised their terror alert from code orange to "something near muave". No one is sure what that means-- same as the 37 other colors of threat.

We have a "code of many colors", lol.

right now it is PINK on the west coast.

Also my Dad's father was a Cameronian he was no darwf 6'8" 360lbs arms like tree limbs leg' like trees

three of my six sons are about that size me 6'5"250lbs(nick name bigjohn)

and you are right about Scots short fuse or boom ask my wife or mom.

BOOOM

haha:)

Quote - right now it is PINK on the west coast.

Also my Dad's father was a Cameronian he was no darwf 6'8" 360lbs arms like tree limbs leg' like trees

three of my six sons are about that size me 6'5"250lbs(nick name bigjohn)

and you are right about Scots short fuse or boom ask my wife or mom.

BOOOM

haha:)

Whoa...I'll bet your Grandfather was a wizard at caber tossing.

Your grandpa  was lucky! :)

most of the Cameronians were tiny, coming from aorund Glasgow/Lanarkshire, the deprivation they suffered meant most were small due to severe malnurishment etc

Pic of the Gorbals slum in Glasgow

My dad's father served in Burma with the Cameronians and in the Chindits combined raiding force, eh absolutely loved the Ghurkas (whom they fought beside) :)

My maternal grandpa was a big guy not as big as yours though! he was a bouncer in the "dance hall days", he was huge by conparison at 6' 1" and 16 stone, versus most "Weegies" who were often only 5'3" and 10 stone dripping wet.

Cameronian crest