I dropped my phone. The screen smashed.

My mom is such a joker, she's been prank calling me the last few days and breathing heavy into the phone.

I can't believe there's still air left in her casket.

My dad keeps popping up for a visit.

I talk to him for a bit, then tie another rock around his ankles.

Went out for drinks last night with some friends, ended up burning half the city down ::belch:: purely on accident. Worse case of indigestion in five centuries -- I never should have snacked on all those greasy politicians.

Mom said I had my dad's eyes. I did, but I lost them

Just to set the record straight, Karen, traditional zombi's -- no "e" attached, btw -- are absolutely nothing like that nonsense on the telly. If we really did eat brains, we'd have gone extinct ages ago because it's glaringly obvious you humans don't have any.

Mom said my brother and I had to share the family dog.

We did, but I'm still hungry.

(wrote this one with Red's help)

I went fishing with my brother.

He was the best bait I've ever used.

"I said get thee behind me, Satan, begone foul Beast!"

"Lucifer Damien Beelzebub, that is NO way to talk to your parents!"

I held a red pen in my hand. The document was signed in blood.

"Hey, sis, how was your flight?"

"Terrible, could not handle the turbulence at all -- but I suppose that's what I get for buying one of those cheap imported brooms."

I turn on my Mac. Rainbow spinning wheel of death.

Did you perform the proper rituals? Only after many invocations was I able to banish the ill-omened screen of blue upon my Windows -- the Gods of Tech must be appeased!

Tell me the ritual. My PC goes blue all the time.

Byrdie posted at 1:03 PM Mon, 23 October 2023 - #4476696

Did you perform the proper rituals? Only after many invocations was I able to banish the ill-omened screen of blue upon my Windows -- the Gods of Tech must be appeased!

It involved much naming of Names and many forbidden curses, then the pushing of the Sacred Start Button two, nay three times. There may also have been a sacrificial virgin ... no wait, that was a chicken blessed by the Colonel himself and anointed with the Secret Sauce. ;-)

It involved much naming of Names and many forbidden curses, then the 

Consult the oracles, exorcise the evil spirits of malware if they be present, then prepare to summon the high priests of Tech Support should all else fail. And chicken may indeed be fowl creatures but their flesh is most pleasing to the gods. ::raises drumstick::

After finding that thing in Mama's nightstand and all those batteries and plugs in Papa's, little Frankie was absolutely certain that cousin Albert was wrong. Babies didn't come from the stork, they came from spare parts and 'lectricity. 

We lost my brother in the Great War.

I hope he doesn't find us.

Mama said I'm the apple of her eye.

But I didn't think they tasted like apples at all.

We need a house with a bigger backyard.

I'm running out of places to bury the bodies.

"I thought I told you NOT to let the dogs out, Mabel."

"Get your eyes checked, Fred, those are werewolves." ::tosses treats into pumpkins:: "Happy Halloween!"

Bit into a dill pickle. It was sweet.

Poltergeists, you have them. Either that or you've managed to offend the Good People.

Mom and Dad brought a brand-new baby brother home.

But, there's still leftovers in the freezer from the last one.

I love to cuddle with my wife.

But, her coffin really is too small.

I wake up every morning to Grandma sitting in her rocking chair.

I wish Grandpa would just leave her in the cemetery.

My mom always had such a kind and beautiful face.

That's why I'm wearing it now.

I used to pickup hitchhikers.

But, I ran out of room in the freezer.

(long sentences, but I'm rarely here these days, so forgive...wonderful creative work everyone, and no surprise given the level of talent) (hi wolf! sorry I've been gone a long time...)

Your face was swirling mists, your body a ragtag of ancient blood-stained tatters, and your aura a stinging icy wind, invisible in the night but turning me to chunks of frigid granite even 20 feet away. You wafted to me, gazed into me with infinite sadness, kissed me deeply, lingering for what felt like an eternity (I was breathless!), then walked away, gliding down the street to the first door you saw, where you cried, "trick or treat!" causing me to mutter (as I swore I never would since the day you left this earth), "even in death, my heartbreaking blue-white mist, you're still, and always will be, a freaking joker..."

My dad said he wanted to be cremated.

How was I supposed to know he meant after he died?

I asked my friend for a hand.

I keep it on the mantel.

Fell asleep. Woke up late!

My mom always makes Christmas so special.

There was still a foot in my stocking.

I turned off my phone. Accidentally hit emergency SOS.

"That's not the Invisible Man, Gladys, just another freaky ghost without his sheet." ::makes rude Gnomish gesture:: "Pervert!"

Fell asleep at a gathering. Someone took a picture.

They say the house at the end of the lane is haunted, but if you ask me that's nonsense. I've been here since 1885 and I've yet to see a ghost.

Went to step outside. Ran into the glass door.

"Purple polka dots all over ... Mama, is that lady sick?"

"No dear, just very rude to the wrong wizard." ::cheers former Potions master::

Trims nails. Cuts to the quick.

Takes a step. Stubs toe.

Pushes bread down in the toaster. It never pops back up.

Turns off the light. It flickers back on.

Starts driving. Check engine light turns on.

Be careful. The spirits are angry. ::wards off evil eye::

The recipe calling for a handful of breadcrumbs was confusing.
I guess the hand wasn't part of the recipe.

The neighbor's new grill had a sign that said you don't have friends over to microwave. I thought, "Well, duh, they wouldn't fit in it."

The sad thing is my husband saw that sign on a grill online and that was my first thought when he told me about it. I've been here too long.

Darn it, I fell asleep with my bedroom door open last night.

All the monsters escaped.