I woke up last night to a face staring at me from the window.

"Grandpa, Grandma got out of the cemetery again."

I submitted my entry for the science fair.
But it keeps getting up and shuffling away.

Oh look, Teletubbies has a full-length movie. Guess what we're doing this weekend.

Only scary to parents

He looked at his dripping hands.

His fingers disappeared first.

Standing on the cliff, we decided to jump into the river below.

But the water retreated as soon as we had jumped.

They were quickly hooked on the vape.

And they never did find the missing body.

He was sure he’d killed her the second time, but here she was again.

How many of her could there be?

"Of course I'm depressed. Wouldn't you be if every time you kissed somebody you accidentally ate them?" ::gets off couch and floats away into the night::

It's not that she ever forgot to feed the cat.

It's just that the cat preferred to eat noses.

Finally, they had vanquished all the demons.

Then suddenly five of the girls were pregnant.

The wagging tail made them reach out to him – as if to say come closer, I'm friendly.

Yet it was the treat that made him furiously wag his tail: fingers if it was a woman, but the men had a much tastier treat for him.

Ha! Wormy's an idiot but I always knew he didn't botch that resurrection spell ... it was the Dark Lord's wife and her nose-eating cat. ;-)

“These threads need a like button,” she said.

But alas, the few remaining zombies had already eaten the coders’ brains.

I've been saying for ages we need a like button to keep from artificially inflating a thread with replies just to say, I like this. It would also make it easier to have Forum Contests/Challenges - the like button could be used for voting.

Inspired by a cartoon I saw last week:

"What makes you think her, uh, attributes are artificial?"

"Because when she walked past the mirror, they were the only thing it showed." 

My dad asked me to give him a hand.

Boy was my brother mad when he woke up.

Naked, she watched the dirt and grime wash down the drain.

She should’ve felt better, but why was her bellybutton still screaming?

They knew someone had died in the house.

But they hadn’t expected that person to show up in all their photos.

To his dying day, Ragnar The Bold would never forget the sight that greeted his small war band upon at last emerging from the bone-strewn labyrinth. There, in the heart of the monster's lair, the chieftain's daughter, Helga, her handmaids -- every female who had been abducted or had otherwise disappeared within the last three moons -- were gathered around the fire-breathing beast, paying eager, rapt attention to his every word as the Great Dragon taught them how to read. 

My little brother complains every time I take him swimming.

He says the rock I tie to his ankle is too heavy.

I woke up to the sound of scratching inside the closet.

I told my little brother to knock it off and go back to sleep.

Yes, innocent people are being shot, bombarded and blown up for no good reason.

But hey, at least we can still watch the rugby and cricket world cups, right?

Of course, you can trust me with your baby.

I’m a nurse.

His cries are truly pitiful, one would think he is being murdered. Immediately I rush to the kitchen ... and discover the cause of all this before-dawn racket is a dish only half full of fresh kibble. ::sigh:: Cats! ::

My doctor gave me six months to live. When he found out that I couldn't pay the medical bill he gave me six months more.

The biology teacher was really mad at me today.

I guess we were supposed to dissect the frog, not our lab partner.

I got rick rolled by some graffiti on a wall. It was a QR code.

My brother brought his new girlfriend home for dinner.

She was the best tasting one yet.

"Let's see now: little old lady with a black cat living in a gingerbread house right in the middle of nowhere ... she's gotta be a wicked witch with lots of gold and stuff we can plunder."

Okay, that does it, I'm moving back to the North Pole -- and these two hooligans will be getting a visit from my cousin Krampus, not Nick, come Christmas Eve.

I got a great deal on my first car when I turned sixteen from a guy working out of the back of a van.

It even came with a body in the trunk.

I started noticing girls when I was thirteen.

But the neighbors said they'd call the police if I kept staring through their windows.

I graduated in 1981.

I still haven't washed my gym clothes yet.

My mom put me in charge of getting my little brother in and out of the car.

He's been in there so long now, he probably thinks he lives there.

I put brand-new tires on my car.

Somebody's going to be mad.

Grandma used to get me up for school every morning.

I locked her in the basement and that ended that nonsense.

I haven't seen my Grandpa in a long time.

The lock on the basement door is working.

My dad told me to go pickup my little brother.

If I wanted to do that, I wouldn't have left him at the Mall in the first place.