This poem I wrote awhile ago, and just tweaked it again. I thought I'd pass it round for comments and suggestions. I seem to have some problems with its flow, its rythm. So... here goes: "Revelry and pride at the mortal condition" The tide of seasons can bring me stains, marks, and brittle flesh; while losses behind me dot my path with sorrows. My campaign of armies will end in one. I do not grudge life to the ageless: Their endless perfection holds no value to me. Nor do I heed the calls of the envy of years. For me, the seasons are counted. My deeds are limited. The immortals can live forever. I waste no breath in cursing their name. To the hymns of angels I am no witness, I march to the rhythym of the footfalls of death. The immortals can live, and sing forever. We mortals can live, and die for God. Ian F. Brillembourg

Very nice - I feel it had good flow. "My campaign of armies will end in one." - Would have to be my favorite line. Good Work.

I seem I recall commenting on this before oh yeah...I made a comment on a song from "Hair":"March of the Dying Men". I still like this poem and it's cadence still reminds me..It's too bad you can't find that movie, you'ld appreciate the connection.

I thought I'd look up the lyrics for this one just so you'ld know what I wqas referring to. We starve-look At one another Short of breath Walking proudly in our winter coats Wearing smells from laboratories Facing a dying nation Of moving paper fantasy Listening for the new told lies With supreme visions of lonely tunes Somewhere Inside something there is a rush of Greatness Who knows what stands in front of Our lives I fashion my future on films in space Silence Tells me secretly Everything Everything

Very nice, very different sentiment. The flow seems fine to me. I couldn't see anything wrong with it. I have a few punctuation nitpicks for you, though.

stains, marks, and brittle flesh;
stains, marks, and brittle flesh**,**
(The next two lines could not form a new, independent sentence, so the semi-colon is not correct.)

*The immortals can live, and sing forever.

We mortals can live, and die for God.*

Either take out the comma each time before the word "and" or put an extra one in after the second phrase: > The immortals can live and sing forever.

We mortals can live and die for God.

or > The immortals can live, and sing, forever.

We mortals can live, and die, for God.

Thanks again for another great poem,

Cres
Wielder of the Red Pen