My first post to this forum, please be gentle (but honest) in your feed back (:

*The damn dog just wouldn't shut up. It, and others like it, had recently been drafted into the space service as they had proved almost pre-cognizant in alerting crews to internal danger before anything was noted as amiss on the control panel.

This time though, we couldn't tell what the heck was going on with him. We had checked the ship from bow to stern with nothing found out of place. There wasn't a particle of dust mis-placed. The internal weight was as it should be, even the atmosphere of the ship was at correct proportions. We had a crew go outside to check the external hull, thinking perhaps the dog had somehow 'detected' something out there. That's when the mystery thickened. Soon after the crew circled around to the below decks area, we lost contact with them. A sensor sweep said that they just weren't there. Not even a scrap of their environmental suits.

Fearing the worst, I had shields raised and the ship put on red alert. It might have been too late for the maintenance crew, but it wasn't too late for everyone else, the captain hoped, but at least the dog had shut up.

Two weeks later the dog started up again, but this time the captain engaged the shields immediately and put the ship on red alert. "Captain, incoming message from an unknown source, trying to trace back and get a position," announced the tactical officer. "Good," was all the captain could say. He was scared out of his mind. He had no skills on first contact missions. He was on a transport ship and besides the shields had nothing with he could defend himself with. No weapons, not even defensive weaponry. If the unknown was to get too itchy, most likely they'd be all dead before they knew what hit them.

"Sir, they are aliens, translating language now," chimed the communications officer. "Language translated, do you want me to put it up on the main view screen," it asked. "Yes, place it on the main view screen," the captain responded. "Attention unknown ship, this is the starship TSA OSS Card, you are in human space, please lower your shields and state your purpose," Captain Samson Lewis ordered.

Indicating to mute the transmission, the captain looked around at its bridge crew, then directly at its communications officer. "Can we broadcast in their language?" it asked. The communications officer nodded. "Then make it so."

"Attention crew of the O.S.S Card, this is the Talaxian space freighter Vengence," the captain paused and looked toward tacital and indicated to the tactical officer to lower shields, "we do not wish any trouble. We are simply on a trade mission to one of our colony worlds and this just happened to be the fastest way to it," it forgot to mention that the last time anyone from Talaxia had been to Alpha Centauri, humans had just learned how to use weapons.

"Would you like an escort?" Captain Lewis offered, careful to avoid gender specific pronouns. In his many years in the service, he had encountered and heard of many races which were gender neutral and they all considered it an insult to be labeled a gender. "All we need are the co-ordinates to your destination and we can assist you on your mission," he smiled, if nothing else, he'd be instantly famous for encountering the first new race since the TSA had explored the galactic north of the Milky Way almost 20 standard years ago.

The captain of the Vengence thought about that for a moment, "We agree to your offer, but we must warn you that we have recently lost two crew members to an unknown force while they were inspecting the outer hull," the Captain figured since they were courteously escorting them through human space, that they should also be aware of any danger. After all, the captain hadn't slept through all of its diplomacy course.

10 standard days later, both ships were nearly completely devoid of life. The only life-form that existed on either was a single, lone dog. One that just wouldn't shut up.*

I wrote this as part of an assignment from a friend (I belong to a writing community over on LJ), where we had to take a starter sentence and write a short story that began with the sentence. In this case the sentence was The damn dog just wouldn't shut up.

I hope everyone enjoys!

BTW, this happens in the same universe as my first (unpublished) sci-fi novel (which I've been re-writing for several years).

Having spent the last two months with a puppy who will not stop barking, I guarantee the crews did not come to an ill end but they took an escape pod so they wouldn't have to listen to the barking anymore. I feel like doing that myself some long nights. Good story. I certainly identified with it. Welcome and I hope you will post again!

I'll try to be gentle, but my red pen is out. ;-)

The start up and spooky ending tie in well together, but the story is unfocused. The tone of the story doesn't stay consistant:

The damn dog just wouldn't shut up. It, and others like it, had recently been drafted into the space service as they had proved almost pre-cognizant in alerting crews to internal danger before anything was noted as amiss on the control panel.

The first sentence is a casual attention-getter. (And an effective one.) It's how someone might talk to a friend. The next sentence is very stilted. It's a line from a manual. The two together are jarring. They'd work great together for dialog between two characters to quickly set up their personalities, but put together as description, the sentences collide.

You also drift points-of-view. In one paragraph you go from first person to limited third person omniscient:

Fearing the worst, I had shields raised and the ship put on red alert. It might have been too late for the maintenance crew, but it wasn't too late for everyone else, the captain hoped, but at least the dog had shut up.

After that you jump around to different people's thoughts, which makes it difficult to keep track of what is going on. I also had problems figuring out which captain was which. Why tell us what was going on with both bridges? Why not keep everything focused on one ship? If they have viewscreens, we can easily get the necessary information from what the one ship sees, plus you can filter it through their perceptions and give us more flavor.

There are good touches within the story - this isn't a hint to junk it. ;-) You simply need to decide what POV to use and to stick to it; the problems will fix themselves. Hope this isn't too harsh. I'm far harder on my own stuff. Cheers!

Not at all. Sticking to one POV is usually hard for me and sometimes I don't realize that I'm drifting. Thanks for the advice. I'll do a rewrite tonight and repost in this thread. (:

*The damn dog just wouldn't shut up. It, and others like it, had recently been drafted into the space service as they had proved almost pre-cognizant in alerting crews to internal danger before anything was noted as amiss on the control panel.

We couldn't tell what the heck was going on with him. to be on the safe side, we checked the ship from bow to stern, but nothing was found out of place, not a particle of dust mis-placed, the internal weight was as perfect, even the atmosphere of the ship was a perfect mix of nitrogen and amonia. We had a volunteer crew of two maintainence workers go outside to check the external hull, thinking perhaps the dog had somehow 'detected' something out there. That's when the mystery thickened. Soon after the crew circled around to the below decks area, we lost contact with them. A sensor sweep that I ordered confirmed this. Not even a scrap of their environmental suits remained as a testament to their mission.

Fearing the worst, I had shields raised and the ship put on red alert. It might have been too late for the maintenance crew, but it wasn't too late for everyone else, I hoped, but at least the dog had shut up.

Two weeks later the dog started up again, but this time I engaged the shields immediately and put the ship on red alert. "Captain, incoming message from an unknown source, trying to trace back and get a position," announced the tactical officer. "Good," was all I could manage. I was scared out of his mind, I had no skills on first contact missions. I was on a transport ship and besides the shields had nothing with which I could defend myself and the crew. No weapons, not even defensive weaponry. If the unknown was to get too itchy, most likely we'd be all dead before we knew what hit us.

"Sir, they are aliens, translating language now," chimed the communications officer. "Language translated, do you want me to put it up on the main view screen," it asked. "Yes, place it on the main view screen," I responded, burying my nervousness as deep as I could. "Attention unknown ship, I am Captain Samson Lewis of the TSA OS Card, you are in human space, please lower your shields and state your purpose," the alien captain ordered.

Indicating to mute the transmission, I looked around at its bridge crew, then directly at its communications officer. "Can we broadcast in their language?" I asked. The communications officer nodded. "Then make it so."

"Attention crew of the O.S. Card, this is the Talaxian space freighter Vengence," I paused and looked toward tacital and indicated to the tactical officer to lower shields, "we do not wish any trouble. We are simply on a trade mission to one of our colony worlds and this just happened to be the fastest way to get to it," I forgot to mention that the last time anyone from Talaxia had been to Alpha Centauri had been several thousand years ago.

"Would you like an escort?" Captain Lewis offered. "All we need are the co-ordinates to your destination and we can assist you on your mission," he smiled politely at me.

I thought about that for a moment, "We agree to your offer, but we must warn you that we have recently lost two crew members to an unknown force while they were inspecting the outer hull," the Captain figured since they were courteously escorting them through human space, that they should also be aware of any danger. After all, I hadn't slept through all of its diplomacy course.

10 standard days later, both ships were nearly completely devoid of life. The only life-form that existed on either was a single, lone dog. One that just wouldn't shut up.* Not exactly sure if this has fixed up the problems you pointed out, but I hope it does. BTW, dialyn, thanks for your comment. I meant to reply to it but apparently Renderosity lost it. O.o