Some of you may not even know these people, but golly, they are sure funny!! I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: "No good in a bed, but fine up against a wall." Eleanor Roosevelt Last week I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement. Mark Twain The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and have the two as close together as possible. George Burns Santa Claus has the right idea ... visit people only once a year. Victor Borge Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. Mark Twain What would men be without women? Scarce, sir ... mighty scarce. Mark Twain By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. Groucho Marx My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. Jimmy Durante The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things. Jilly Cooper I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. Zsa Zsa Gabor Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. Alex Levine Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. Mark Twain My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. Ed Furgol Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. Spike Milligan What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. Henny Youngman I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. Mark Twain Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up'. Joe Namath Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. Herbert Henry Asquith I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. Bob Hope A woman drove me to drink and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her. W.C. Fields I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. W.C. Fields It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth. George Burns We could certainly slow aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. Unknown Don't worry about avoiding temptation... As you grow older, it will avoid you. Unknown Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But ... everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. Unknown Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you are not a hypochondriac. Unknown The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good .. spit it out. Unknown By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. Unknown It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything. Unknown

:-D

Hehe! Those are great! Now I gotta go look up some mark twain quotes.

*be good and you will be loneley
always do right, it will gratify some, and astonish the rest
the coldest winter I ever spent was summer in San Francisco

• that's all I can think of at the moment..;)

When Winston Churchill was running for re-election against Clement Attlee(I think), he said,"My opponent is a modest man who has much to be modest about" I don't know if this is from Grougho Marx or Woody Allen; "I always figured any club that would have me as a member is probably not worth joining" When asked if he was aware that U.S. Grant was drunk much of the time during the western campaign of the American civil war, Abraham Lincoln replied " Find out what he drinks and send a bottle to all my other generals, because the man fights" Supposedly one time when Lincoln was preparing to mount a horse, the animal became spooked and got one of it's rear feet caught in the stirrup, Lincoln said "If you're getting on, I'm getting off"

'Never underestimate the power of human stupidity', Robert Heinlien. (The Bryster's family motto)

Amen to Robert Heinlein!!!