HOW TO TELL IF YOUR CAT IS OVERWEIGHT * Cat door retro-fitted with garage door opener. * Confused guests constantly mistaking her for beanbag chair. * Fewer calls to the fire department, but a sudden upsurge in broken branches. * Fifteen month gestation period, and still no kittens. * No longer cleans itself unless coated in Cheese Whiz. * Luxurious, shiny black fur replaced with mint green polyester pants suit. * It's no longer safe to lift him without a spotter. * "Steals breath" from all five quintuplets, simultaneously. * Waits for the third bowl of food to get finicky. * He only catches mice that get trapped in his gravitational pull. * Enormous gut keeps your hardwood floors freshly buffed. * Has more chins than lives. Cat language translation Miaow - Feed me. Meeow - Pet me. Mrooww - I love you. Miioo-oo-oo - I am in love and must meet my betrothed outside beneath the hedge. Don't wait up. Mrow - I feel like making noise. Rrrow-mawww - Please, the time is come to tidy the cat box. Rrrow-miawww - I have remedied the cat box untidiness by shoveling the contents as far out of the box as was practical. Miaowmiaow - Play with me. Miaowmioaw - Have you noticed the shortage of available cat toys in this room? Mioawmioaw - Since I can find nothing better to play with, I shall see what happens when I sharpen my claws on this handy piece of furniture. Raowwwww - I think I shall now spend time licking the most private parts of my anatomy. Mrowwwww - (only heard in males) I am now recalling, with sorrow, that some of my private parts did not return with me from that visit to the vet. Roww-maww-roww - I am so glad to see that you have returned home with both arms full of groceries. I will now rub myself against your legs and attempt to trip you as you walk towards the kitchen. Mmeww - I believe I have heard a burglar. If you would like to go and beat him senseless, I shall be happy to keep your spot in the bed warm. Gakk-ak-ak - My digestive passages seem to have formed a hairball. Wherever could this have come from? I shall leave it here upon the carpeting. Mow - Snuggling is a good idea. Moww - Shedding is pretty good, too. Mowww! - I was enjoying snuggling and shedding in the warm clean laundry until you removed me so unkindly. Miaow! miaow! - I have discovered that, although one may be able to wedge his body through the gap behind the stove and into that little drawer filled with pots and pans, the reverse path is slightly more difficult to navigate. Mraakk! - Oh, small bird! Please come over here. Ssssroww! - I believe that I have found a woodchuck. I shall now act terribly brave. Mmmmmmm - If I sit in the sunshine for another week or so, I think I shall be satisfied. How to give cat a pill 1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. 3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. 4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10. 5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden. 6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously. 7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. 8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw. 9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. 10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band. 11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. 12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap. 13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour half-liter of water down throat to wash pill down. 14. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table. 15. Arrange for vet to make a housecall. What to do if you accidently kill your neighbors cat.... * Wedge the cat under the neighbor's tire so they think they did it. * Paint a hexagram on their front lawn and put the cat in the middle so they think that crazy Satanist did it. * Throw the cat into your other neighbor's yard. * Put the cat in a tree. Call the fire department and let them try to explain it. * Drive over the rest of the cats in the neighborhood and claim that you're on a "Mission From God." Bathing your cat for best results 1. Scrub toilet and flush several times. 2. Fill toilet with warm water and add a squirt of pet shampoo. 3. Drop cat in toilet and slam lid shut. 4. Sit on lid - cat's efforts to free itself will generate a good deal of sudsing and washing motions. Drink beer while waiting. 5. Flush toilet a couple of times to rinse cat. 6. Leap off toilet seat, dash out door and slam it securely shut because kitty will erupt from the bowl as if jet engine is lodged up their ass. 7. Leave kitty to sulk and dry itself. Drink beer while waiting. * This is fiction - You couldn't get a man to scrub a toilet.