Father and Son
One morning a boy got up and was leaving the house with a hand full of chicken wire.
His father said, 'Son, where are you going?'
The son replied, 'I'm going to catch me some chickens.'
The father said, 'Son, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire.'
But the son insisted that he knew what he was doing.
Later on that day, the son came home with two chickens in his hand. The father thought, 'I guess he knows what he's doing.'
The next morning, the son got up and was leaving the house with some duck tape.
The father said, 'Son, where are you going?' The son replied, 'I'm going to catch some ducks.'
The father yelled, 'You can't catch ducks with duck tape!'
The son insisted that he knew what he was doing. Later on that day the son came home with two ducks under each arm.
The father thought, 'Shoot, I guess he does know what he's doing!'
The next morning the son got up and was leaving the house with a hand full of pussywillows. The father said, 'Hold up, son, let me put on my shoes!'

Husband & Wife - Problem Father
"You looked troubled," I told my friend, "what's your problem?" He replied, "I'm going to be a father." "But that's wonderful," I said. "What's wonderful? My wife doesn't know about it yet.

Husband & Wife - Why divorce?
In a divorce court a woman requested the judge: "Your honor, I want to divorce my husband." "But why ?" asked the judge. She replied, "Because he is not faithful to me." The judge asked, "How do you know ?" She replied, "My lord, none of my kids resemble him."

All good!

The first one is especially 'elegant' in terms of joke construction.   

LOL!!!!!!!!

lol :)

lol! Very funny :P

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
 
'You know what?' says the 7 year old, 'I think it's about time we started swearing.'

The 4 year old nods his head in approval, so the 7 year old says,
'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?'

'Ok' the 4 year old, agrees with enthusiasm..

Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.

'Oh, shit mum, I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Coco Pops'

WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out. She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, ' And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?'

'I don't know,' he  blubbers, 'but it won't be f###ing Coco Pops'  

Yesterday Dr Geep's dear wife received the following letter from the local Target Superstore.

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from our stores. Our complaints against your husband, Dr. Geep, are listed below and are documented for verification by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away! This caused the employee to leave her assigned station. She received a reprimand from her Supervisor that, in turn, resulted in a Union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

4. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

5. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

6. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

7. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’ … EMTs were called.

8. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

9. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

10. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ‘Mission Impossible’ theme.

11. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of funnels.

12. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’

13. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!’ And last, but not least:

14. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’ One of our clerks passed out.

You know this would be funny if the complaints against Dr. Geep weren't real!