Coming Home by jwdell
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Description
This is dedicated to all my friends here, who are probably wondering if I'm still alive...
It's been a long hot summer here in Connecticut, and things have changed in so many ways I can't even begin to list them all. I had to walk away from my artistic endevours for a time due to several major upheavals in my life. For those in the Know, my battle with the nicotine addiction that will soon put me in my grave if I fail to defeat it, rages on...
Things just kind of spiraled out of control for me, I was trying so hard to live right and to make good decisions after a lifetime of being an out of control raging rebel, but my life felt hollow and empty and it seemed the harder I tried to straighten things out, the worse they got. I hated my job, I hated my life, I was hypercritical of my creations and was beginning to hate them too. Add to this the fact that my doctor informed me that I have Emphysema and will probably soon move on to full blown Lung Cancer if I don't somehow manage to quit smoking cigarettes...
In the face of all this and more, I was steadily losing my ability to see the joys and blessings that God has placed in my life. On several occasions I fought overwhelming urges to give up, lay down and die, and in desperation I turned to prayer. Though I long ago turned my back on Church and organized religion, in my heart I still nurture a deep and abiding belief in God and his ability to help me when I need him most.
This depression thing had actually happened to me once before, as I celebrated my 40th birthday I started to feel depressed over aging and feeling like my life was going nowhere. God saved me then by sending me an Angel, my daughter Raven. Having a child literally gave me a reason to live and broke me out of what, at the time was the worst depression of my life. But this latest episode was ultimatly worse... Now my Angel is growing and becoming independent and doesn't need Dad as much as she used to... this, I'm told is one of the hardest things for a parent to deal with, and certainly proved to be the case for me. Just one more thing in my long list of reasons to feel sorry for myself and hate my life...
...So I prayed, prayed for strength, for faith, for something good in my life, a reason to continue to fight and kick and scream and get my ass back in the rat race...
Suddenly things started to happen,a little bit at a time my life started getting better. No one will ever convince me that it wasn't directly related to those prayers. First things improved at work, I got a raise, and a transfer to a better job. I gave up smoking and lasted a couple of months before breaking down and starting again, but my attitude was changing, instead of berating myself for smoking, I could view it more positively, I had done well for awhile, gotten a taste of what it was like to breath and taste food, and resolved to quit again. Then came the real answer to those prayers. I met a lady that is so sweet, and so amazing that I can't help but feel that God has sent me another Angel.
I had pretty much given up on relationships. Most of the ladies I was meeting were either needy and clingy, like my ex wife, or mean and self centered, like my ex girlfriend. I spent four years telling myself I didn't need a Lady in my life and that I didn't feel empty and hollow because of it. I kept that going right up to the minute I met Her! Suddenly the floor dropped out from under me, and the truth hit me in the head like a cement block. There was a good reason my life felt empty and I was in compete denial about it.
As a species we're not meant to go through life alone. Adam needed Eve, Popeye fought like a fiend over Olive Oyl, Spiderman has M.J., and George would certainly be just another ignorant hick jackass without Laura!
So now I've realized what was missing, and am pretty sure I'm on the right track, maybe for the first time in my life...
She's strong, independent, beautiful, and for reasons only known to God and Her, seems to like me... I'm even starting to feel the urge to create again...
...Our hero stands on the sidelines in the dark as the rats race frantically past... He dusts himself off, squares his shoulders, pulls out a pack of cigarettes... He crushes them in his hand and tosses them aside. He takes a deep breath and jumps. He's immediatly swept up in the biting, scrambling tide and begins to claw his way... somewhere...
Hey Renderosity, I'm comin home...
to be continued...
Comments (46)
SkyeWolf
Welcome back :)
magickmedbh
Oh John, I am so very happy that you have found someone! I am also glad that you are continuing this rat race, and your determination to quit smoking! God bless, and my prayers are with you!!! Glad to see you coming home! :D HUGS Lorie
zoku01
Good to here from you John! We were all wondering where you disappeared to. It sounds like you have fought your battles well and your prayers have been heard. Keep it up and march forward. Glad to hear that the smoke is finally fading away. Thanks for the update!
Vali
impressive story...I am glad you chosen to fight and may your life with Her to be the most beautiful thing that you ever needed ! God bless you !
visualgirl
Wow! My sixth sense must've know you were going to post cause I was just thinking about you and wondering what you had goteen up to. I didn't realize that you were having such difficulty with the smokes. I knew you were trying to quite, but had no idea just how bad things had gotten... Look how strong you are to come bouncing back, buddy! Your story is very touching and just shows how strong you really are. I am so happy that you are on the right track and welcome you back with a huge cyber hug!
diomedes66
Bravo, welcome back! And continue to fight to good fight - I say this as I try to crush another cigarette after 40+ years of puffing. Manly hugs.
TANZA
JD Welcome back my friend and Thank you cos your words really have hit the right note here too. I too have suffered with depression and bad relationships, have been telling myself I dont need a woman in my life and have stopped creating. Well your right bro we do need people friends, relatives and a good woman. Glad things are turning around for you and it sure is nice to see you back.
cynlee
hi there JD!!! was wondering about you the other day... Raven will always need you... felt much the same when my daughter turned 13 (now 19) & the bottom fell out of my relationship with my ex... still slowly killing myself with the nicotene :P... anyway, you know what they say... life never gives you more then you can handle... sure makes it pretty damn hard though... very happy for you to hear you finally quit & found someone to help you see that life is precious & worth living! welcome back, welcome back, welcome baaaaaaaaaaaack! hugz! :]
Elfenone
Oh I missed you so much! I'm glad you're back and I'm so happy you have a spirit that tells you where to go for the right kind of help. I have a little information for you though about children and the fact they think they don't need you..it's just a phase. Your daughter will always need you and right now it won't seem so, but you just hang in there. My kids are grown but they still need me. My son drops by for a hug now and again..and for me to babysit his 4 girls..and my daughter needs to talk to me long distance LOL so hon.. believe me, yes, you need your Jane, Tarzan, but you've also got someone very very cool and special in your life and that's YOU. HUGE HUGS Much Love, your friend Robin S
liewald
Man.......!!!!! Missed YA Dave
dayna2
Welcome back Dave missed you (((Hugs)))
Forevernyt
Kudos to you. I've missed you buddy and I'm glad to hear that you're grabbing life by the horns and taking it for a ride. My father is battling with cancer and we're sure it's because of his smoking. Making the changes we need to make to better our lives aren't always easy and it takes courage and strong soul to take the first steps. I for one am glad to hear you coming home, but I don't think Don is too happy. ;) Welcome back.
sLexie
Welcome back! I`m happy that you found someone! God bless, and my prayers are with you!!! Hugs Lisa
brycek
Welcome back John..You have been missed!!
brat526
I have thought about you often,and very much of late. Wondered in my mind where you had gotten to and if you had conquered the smoking demon. I don't know if I ever told you,but 4 years ago I was walking down the street. I became short of breath,was huffing and puffing,I hadn't even exerted myself. Man I tell you I was scared,really scared,I think you may know what it feels like to all of a sudden not be able to breath. And,that's what did it for me,I threw out the butts,and never picked up another one.I am a very couragious woman,and little if nothing frightens me,but that did. Glad to hear you have found someone. It's the best thing that cna happen to one who's been alone for so long. Welcome back!!!!!
awadissk
WOW! I'm impressed, you have a very strong will, just keep it going glad that things going better and you are very, very welcome back!!!!!
Latexluv
So very moving!!!! I have missed you a great deal around here. So glad to hear that your prayers were answered and a little light is coming into your darkness and uplifting you!
cliff-dweller
Hey JD, very moving story. Missed having you around...I know it's been a long road and I wish all the best...you deserve it! Welcome back!
cloughie
Well what more can one say! Go for it man! All the very best! Alan.
svdl
JD, I've missed you, and I was getting worried! So good to see you back. And so good to hear that things have taken a turn for the better. Go for it!
TallPockets
Hello, J.D. - Thanks kindly for the updates. I knew when my IM's went unanswered you were up to your ears, so to speak, in something not good. Sounds like you've come through it in much better shape. Congrats on ALL things, my good man! May PEACE fill your heart and that of your loved ones no matter your circumstances. As for your sweetie, Miss Raven - do not despair. Daddy's girl will always be 'DADDY'S GIRL'. Enjoy the ride of life, kind soul. My best, always John .... TallPockets/brian. (P.S. .... I miss your amazing artwork .... whenever you decide to get back to it, make it from your heart and it will never be 'bad' or meet with your own disapproval.) HANG TOUGH!!
Syltermermaid
I know the feelings you had. I were fallen in this deep hole when I wasn't able anymore to care about my disabled daughter and had to give her in a home. She was everything what gave my life sense. Than I met my husband 3 1/2 years ago and life became again a sense and I feel now like new born and started being creative again after 17 years of emptyness. Good you found the way back, you are for us the lost son and we bid you a warm welcome! Good to see you back!
Shakti27
Glad to hear from you after so long S I can see why you've been away since it seems that you had a rollercoaster of a life back there but its good to see you making positive moves in your life and that you've found love as well :) You know you're never alone as long as you have friends here S Cant wait to see what you come up with artwise in your new perspective on life S HUGE HUGS
tallpindo
I never found those ways back. "The dog returns to his own vomit" I left a way that was terminal 24 years ago. I had to get past all the "You're no fun now" comments. It was teasing animals in cages with sticks. You'll forget the girl though she will seem to have a purpose as everyone needs to be more than their lonesome self in a mountain retreat or a seashore. The tinman has a heart.
Digitell
*Gives a standing ovation"!! Bravo!! Congradulations on your triumph!! I am so so very happy for you!! BIG Smile :))! I did not know you were going thru such hard and trying times!! You are much wiser and stronger now because of them..you have overcome them and I cant wait to see you back and posting again!! Much Happiness and Good Health to you!! Biggest Hugs to you! :))!!
SophiaDeer
Welcome back John! You ae a great person and being 40 is so young still. I just turned 50 in June and love it. Now I have an excuse for my behavior...I am an eccentric old lady lol. Hang in there and know we love ya!
leda_moon
Looking for the day you post again!! I have thought about you and have missed you! Hope your heart is full of happiness and Iam sure you have all the love in the world!HUGS~leda~
Gor111
Welcome back John! I'm happy that you won the battle and I'm sure your daughter, too! I wish you all the best and every success for the future! Much Happiness and Good Health to you!!!
nirvy
Welcome back, it's really good to hear from you and through all of your changes...your daughter will ALWAYS need you Hon! Mine is 23...oh yeah she knows it all and never needs mom EXCEPT when she feels sad and miserable or ill or lonely and then what would she do without a Mom or / and a Dad to turn to? My father, bless his soul, always said you are a parent until the day you die and at my 52 years of age I so agree with him. It hurts to be left in the sidelines but Heck don't give up on life ever if not for anything else, just simply cause you're a DAD! I hope God answers all your prayers and protects you and your loved ones always! Lots of frindship and hugs! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Merlin2000
Welcome back and Fantastic Image !!! Excellent and Vote!!!!