This is dedicated to all my friends here, who are probably wondering if I'm still alive... It's been a long hot summer here in Connecticut, and things have changed in so many ways I can't even begin to list them all. I had to walk away from my artistic endevours for a time due to several major upheavals in my life. For those in the Know, my battle with the nicotine addiction that will soon put me in my grave if I fail to defeat it, rages on... Things just kind of spiraled out of control for me, I was trying so hard to live right and to make good decisions after a lifetime of being an out of control raging rebel, but my life felt hollow and empty and it seemed the harder I tried to straighten things out, the worse they got. I hated my job, I hated my life, I was hypercritical of my creations and was beginning to hate them too. Add to this the fact that my doctor informed me that I have Emphysema and will probably soon move on to full blown Lung Cancer if I don't somehow manage to quit smoking cigarettes... In the face of all this and more, I was steadily losing my ability to see the joys and blessings that God has placed in my life. On several occasions I fought overwhelming urges to give up, lay down and die, and in desperation I turned to prayer. Though I long ago turned my back on Church and organized religion, in my heart I still nurture a deep and abiding belief in God and his ability to help me when I need him most. This depression thing had actually happened to me once before, as I celebrated my 40th birthday I started to feel depressed over aging and feeling like my life was going nowhere. God saved me then by sending me an Angel, my daughter Raven. Having a child literally gave me a reason to live and broke me out of what, at the time was the worst depression of my life. But this latest episode was ultimatly worse... Now my Angel is growing and becoming independent and doesn't need Dad as much as she used to... this, I'm told is one of the hardest things for a parent to deal with, and certainly proved to be the case for me. Just one more thing in my long list of reasons to feel sorry for myself and hate my life... ...So I prayed, prayed for strength, for faith, for something good in my life, a reason to continue to fight and kick and scream and get my ass back in the rat race... Suddenly things started to happen,a little bit at a time my life started getting better. No one will ever convince me that it wasn't directly related to those prayers. First things improved at work, I got a raise, and a transfer to a better job. I gave up smoking and lasted a couple of months before breaking down and starting again, but my attitude was changing, instead of berating myself for smoking, I could view it more positively, I had done well for awhile, gotten a taste of what it was like to breath and taste food, and resolved to quit again. Then came the real answer to those prayers. I met a lady that is so sweet, and so amazing that I can't help but feel that God has sent me another Angel. I had pretty much given up on relationships. Most of the ladies I was meeting were either needy and clingy, like my ex wife, or mean and self centered, like my ex girlfriend. I spent four years telling myself I didn't need a Lady in my life and that I didn't feel empty and hollow because of it. I kept that going right up to the minute I met Her! Suddenly the floor dropped out from under me, and the truth hit me in the head like a cement block. There was a good reason my life felt empty and I was in compete denial about it. As a species we're not meant to go through life alone. Adam needed Eve, Popeye fought like a fiend over Olive Oyl, Spiderman has M.J., and George would certainly be just another ignorant hick jackass without Laura! So now I've realized what was missing, and am pretty sure I'm on the right track, maybe for the first time in my life... She's strong, independent, beautiful, and for reasons only known to God and Her, seems to like me... I'm even starting to feel the urge to create again... ...Our hero stands on the sidelines in the dark as the rats race frantically past... He dusts himself off, squares his shoulders, pulls out a pack of cigarettes... He crushes them in his hand and tosses them aside. He takes a deep breath and jumps. He's immediatly swept up in the biting, scrambling tide and begins to claw his way... somewhere... Hey Renderosity, I'm comin home... to be continued...