BIO
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I have fluctuated between writing things about my state of mind and writing about my life as we know it. Most of the time I'd just delete everything and leave it all blank. I've decided to just ramble on from time to time and let the crap stay. Kind of a log file, just as hard to understand, and just as worthless to most...
May 08 2009: Posted an issue I feel strongly about. Alienate a lot of people. Need to talk to someone. Tried talking to friends but we are all dealing with the same s#it - the loss of a friend. Tried here on Renderosity. Nobody will talk.
May 14 2009: Took some time off to let go of some anger. Hope to post again. I really want to delete everything. Been a member since 2003 so I know how it works. I am just getting so tired of everything.
May 18 2009: It's so desperately sad that my life has come to this. I had hoped there'd be something better for me. I used to think I had something to say. But my private ideologies gave me away. I tried to keep my mouth shut but it's always the same over and over and over again.Today I got it wrong again but it's not surprise. Once more heaven has forgotten me. So everybody clap your hands together and close your eyes, as I watch my world collapse. Don't waste your sympathy on me because I made this mess. My mistakes happen with so much success but I drag you all down into my sorry mess. I said I was sorry but it's always the same over and over and over again. I have been doomed from the first time I tried to find something to say I kept hidden inside. It would be much better if I just smiled and lied. ...
June 5, 2009: Things are not good. I know I should blog. No body reads this. Most web users skim at best. So I am safe in leaving behind scraps of mental illness in my wake. Things are NOT good..
July 10, 2009: It's all turned the s#it - i'ts ALL s#it.
November 25, 2015: I am amazed that I still breath. Whenever I begin to feel as if I have no Hope, I hear a whisper in my ear that reminds me I AM STRONG.
...at least for one more day.
Comments (8)
A_
what an intense piece of work. be strong.
bevchiron
Stark, raw emotion expressed with intense creativity, even the offset composition gives a striking impression of careless abandonment, a life relinquished, this one will stay in my minds eye & haunt me Yo, I just wish you didn't have to go through the suffering that lies behind it.
Angelwave
intense emotion, real for those who have processed the idea, my brother shot himself because he could not fit in the here and now any more, in my dreams of him, he still suffered the realization of the pain, for it did not stop at that doorway either.
Kalliandra
I know how you feel... believe me when I say that I have been there many times... wishing... hoping for death... or that I never existed... thank you for your comment on my picture... I have watched your work constantly for a while now... amazing... it speaks so much of what you feel.. of what I feel... of how I'm afraid to feel... but knowing I'm not alone helps me so much... thank you for your words... if we are walking in the dark, we will walk together... --K
cbender
omg... well... a really "strange" idea... as also a true one - in someway... your pic is strong... emotional... thoughtful... i love it... hugs
gunsan
So intense, so creative, agree with Bev, but I am glad you are here, you give so much of yourself, and that is precious!
Lost_Child
I used to feel the same way you do. I used to find myself screaming in agony as if I was being torn apart from the inside out. It felt like there was a monster inside me coursing its way through my veins. I used to contemplate suicide every waking hour and my dreams were even about death, to tell the truth they still are. I used to find myself staying awake till 3:00 AM watching CNN and breaking down for those who had died for no reason. My sadness was a perpetual flame that can and never will be extinguished. But my best friend taught me something. He taught me the only this we could do was be. He taught me to live for tomorrow no matter how horrible I felt. He taught me that we all are meant to be no matter what you position we are in (happy- unhappy, rich or poor). We have to be. Why do we have to be? Because that is what has been given to us (sometimes seemingly taken from us). I feel that you have been given to us. I have only recently found you and you have all ready made an impact on me. My friend was given to me too. Unfortunately he decided not to be on April 22, 2001. I have no one anymore. He committed Suicide at the Age of seventeen he was the greatest person I have ever known. He was a Friend that, no matter how bad his day was going, always greeted me with a smile and an energetic response. He was there for me while no one was there for him, it makes my so sad that I am realizing this now. His face is always running through my head and he taught me to be, if for nothing else, for other people and that has been what I have done. I am now 21, and I am alone, I am still trying. I live for tomorrow now, I cry for those who have not made it, I then push on never forgetting there faces. I am now living for those I remember, for those I know, and for those I am going to meet. I am living for every one of my brothers and sisters on this Earth, never looking down on anyone. I also try to help those in need. We are divided by Earth but, are connected through binary code and this is the way I will tell you my story. I want you to now that everyday you choose to be you are being there for us, teaching us about our inexorable fate, teach us about human nature, you show us the ugliest of the ugly pushing us away and speaking so loudly, and I appreciate what you do. There just needs someone to be there for you and I hope my words can help. We are all meant to be, our peace, our love, our happiness; they are the quintessential human emotions. They are inherent gifts and they can never be taken from you. You just have to get them. Best regards, Sean L.
SSoffia
soul.......... (secret)