Fought with my son the other day, was arrested at work for trying to be a father.. The sherrif was a decent enough guy, told me to hold out hope!! Good things can alway's come out of bad.. Told him of the mistakes 11 years ago that had brought me around to where I was today!! Told him, I don't think there's any such things as second chances anymore.. He said I was wrong, everybody was given a new chance at life!! Do you think you're ex-wife might be behind everything your going through was the question posed to me at work today!! I don't know was all I could reply.. But I'm going through some counseling sessions with my son and am going to take parenting classes to see if there's a way I can improve how I do things as well.. Things will get better, I'm sure!! Arguements with my son as soon as he finds out, but after we get there things start to smooth out as he realized I'm not there to make him look like a horrible person.. Just want to fix the problems!! Thought my ex should be there.. I could see her causing issues already if she wasn't!! That small voice in the back of my mind, say's be carefull.. It' better if all that she might say is said in front of you!! You where honest with everyone concerning your past mistakes.. How long must a person pay!! But no, she doesn't have time to go to the meetings, she never has time for anything or anyone.. Meeting's over, seemed to be more positive then might have been expected!! Asked my son about it, maybe.. But at least we're talking without argueing!! Maybe, Just woke up, get a call.. It's my ex-wife again, she seemed positive about the meeting the 1st time we talked!! Now there's a definate attitude.. Don't know what's going on, my son need's to go to her old place!! Ok, is anyone going to be there.. Of course, his sisters supposed to be!! Attitude, what is going on.. Oh, by the way me and my son are in a contract!! We have to spend a half hour together today at a certain time.. Fine, that's not my problem I'm not going to be there!! Ok, attitude again, trying to explain why I let her know.. Again, with that attitude.. Can already see the blame and abuse starting again, let's bring up the past!! We're still living in Eugene.. Life is still hell on earth!! Everything's my fault, alway's was and alway's will be.. I have an attitude and am being abusive!! But I haven't raised my voice.. Frustration, helplesness, all the effort seem's for naught!! A familiar feeling (Oh yeah, how I feel dealing with my son.) Here come's the past, we both bring it up.. I'm supposed to be an abusive piece of Crap!! It's all my fault, I'm doing to my son what I did to her.. It's control, manipulation, where have I heard those words before!! Oh yeah, my son, I brainwash everyone and everything around me.. I've heard those words out of my own mouth!! Everytime my son lies about the things he say's and does.. But I'm crazy, yeah that's what it is!! Took me 3 years of being divorced before I could start to see the truth.. Another lady helped me see reality!! I was convinced, I did manipulate everyone, I was the piece of crap.. After all, we fought the first fours years of our marriage really bad!! I started it, fear, afraid of being hurt deeper than I had ever been hurt before!! I lashed out, it was wrong I understood that.. Sadly it took 4 years for me to figure out how to control things!! Four years before I could sit there and take abuse.. But I did learn, I could take it, physical, emotional it didn't matter!! It was the right thing to do.. My son wouldn't see me fight with his mother, ever!! He would be raised to know better.. It didn't matter what I had to put up with!! That was then, it was supposed to be the past.. Why am I still haveing to live with the past!! My son brings it up, the gew time's I've tried to get close to woman I bring it up.. Hey thought I'd let you know, I'm a piece of crap!! Did this the 1st four years of my marriage.. Not all the time, but it was wrong!! You need to know, I hate myself for my past.. Can't seem to pay for my mistake's!! I'm a better person now ya know.. But just want to protect you!! Don't want you to think I'm the great person I try to make everyone think I am.. Hope you understand, still looking for forgiveness, understanding!! Been divorced for seven years, realizeing more and more.. There is no forgiveness, no peace of mind!! I can never go on, she won't allow it, life won't allow it.. I'm meant to walk this world alone.. Hurting, trying to heal, trying to forgive myself when no one else seem's too!! I was right, there are no second chances.. My prison is walking this world alone!! Now everyone know's a part of what makes me what I am.. The song's say you can't live in your past!! Let the regrets bind you, and destroy your life.. But people seem to have a way of insuring that I will never be free!! You cant run, there's no place to go so you turn around, you try to fight back.. Try to make your every action prove everyone wrong!! I tell myself that I will live my life so that for every wrong thing people say about me, I'll have a life of good deed's that I have done for people.. It will be my only legacy when I leave this planet!! I will be able to look back on that and smile, I did everything I could to live it right.. Even though it was miserable!! Even though I was forced to suffer through my past mistakes for the entirety of my existance.. I had a lady tell me I let my ex control my life too much, she never realized how good she was at insureing everyone new what a piece of crap I am!! She's already started with these counseling sessions.. My son's not to blame, it's all his father!! You don't have any idea what the poor boy has to put up with.. I lived with him, I understand better than you all!! He's manipulative, charming.. He'll convince the world he's changed!! But he's the same man I married 15 years ago.. And like the dumb ass I am, I still try to help her any way I can!! Won't see the children living on the streets because she doesn't really have any place to go.. Get's herself into one bad relationship after the other!! Same issues with her ex to be and current boyfriend as she had with me.. But she still love's him at least!! She's not trying to destroy his life still.. That's only reserved for crazy people like me!! I sit her trying to deal with it, trying to find some reason to believe, to hope!! Needing someone to turn to, needing love but unable to find it, reach for it, hope for it.. 38 years old, needing protection from someone I still can't protect myself from!! No one wants a broken man, or a man who can't defend himself.. Thats what I was told, but I can defend myself, I just can't win this battle!! Destiny, Fate, God, the devil, something stands against me.. Tries to take my triumphs and turn them into nightmares!! My horoscope said the day would be perfect.. A perfect disaster is more the reality!! I sit here with less than a couple hours to go before I have to go to work.. Desperately needing a hug, a woman that understand's, care's forgives and can help me heal!! But all I see is more pain, more fear, helplessness.. I know, see a counselor, pay out money you know you can't afford because you have no one to talk to!!! They have all the answers for crazy people like me.. Or perhaps God, he heals all wounds!! Never did mine, I didn't belong there either.. How faithfull can one be and still be unaccepted, but I try.. I hold out a grain of faith!! A tiny ray of hope.. That's why I write this, people can start to get a small glimpse of what drives someone to insanity.. Keep's him from any hope of healing.. Or a sweet touch of compassion!!