Babes...feel free to email me privately anytime you need to talk. HUGZ

Hey girl, once again, I understand! I am learning, and it isn't easy, as a matter of fact it is downright terrifying, that we can't run from 'it'. We have to stand our ground and face it. There is this incredibly wise man I know, a friend, who tells me that fear is this: F alse E ducation A ppearing R eal This is our companion. This is the demon that stalks us. This is the illusion of smoke and mirrors. We have to unlearn what we believe, what we have learned from our perceptions, learn a different way. That is the hard part, incredibly hard. The familiar even if it is misery, is at least familiar. It is known. If we 'choose' to stay as we are, then we are controlling the pain, not someone else. But you know, that is pretty twisted, when I think about it in those terms. I have lived my life this way. I have existed, in this way. I am 56 years old and I am tired of the pain, tired of the burden of carrying the past. I am the only person who can let it go. I have to be willing to go out on a limb, and hope to hell no one has a McCullough chain saw ready to cut that limb off. But in order to go out on that limb, I have to climb the tree. The questions we need to ask ourselves every day, perhaps many times in a day are... How good can I stand it today? What do I believe? Do I believe what I think? All the negative 'self-talk'? Do you think you deserved what happened to you, all those horrible things that were beyond your control to prevent? No, you didn't, you don't deserve to endure a life of suffering, of doubting yourself, and your worth as a person. You deserve to be happy, to experience joy, and peace. You are one of the most amazing women I am privileged to "know". There is strength in numbers, in the sharing of burdens. You aren't alone, there are people here who care and who will walk the path with you. I am one of them...

I personally think you should learn from the past and step away from it leaving every negative person/thing there to turn to dust. If you carry it all with you it makes too much of a load. I know I make it sound easy to do, but leanndra is 100% right nobody deserves to have to suffer or endure. It's a tough thing to do and a shame we work harder to keep it by nature. I for one only keep the things I want to remember and cozy up to. I'll face the future but I refuse to face the past. But I could be called a freak of nature ROR .. I sure hope your feelin better. Jerry

I love your honesty. Your confusion and pain comes through clearly in this, and it impresses me that you are willing to look this deeply at yourself. I'm also impressed with your work. Great stuff!

I cant get into this account...gone so long I dont remember passwords...email...etc. Am now angeleyeslpn...for now. But hopefully can get back in here soon. Anyway...re-reading this...there's a line saying "From my mom I'd hide" It can be taken wrong...I did not hide from my Mom. NONE...I REPEAT NONE of my pain was from my Mom. She is and always was my best friend...hero. My safe place. What I meant was I hid things my step dad said and did from her. She was going through enough...and I wanted to protect her.