A Lonely Hurt by PandyGirl
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Description
Feeling very alone right now.
Can't seem to get past it.
Hurting day and night.
My mind and my body.
The images always come.
Showing me what I can't handle to see.
Can't seem to get past it.
Takes time they say.
How long?
How many more times do I have to see.
Images of terror in my mind.
Stranded in my sanctuary, or is it my hell?
Can't seem to say right now.
Not a soul to understand.
Want to hide, to run, to move on.
Can't seem to get past it.
Want to be free.
Trapped in my pain and sadness.
11 Weeks.
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On May 4th I was in a extremely bad car wreck. I was heading to work in my little 2000 lb car turning, when a 6500 lb truck going 70 miles an hour hit the right front passenger side of my vehicle. The 16 yr old girl that was driving the truck hit the brakes .5 seconds before she hit me at which the car slowed from the braking and the impact to 67 miles an hour, pushing me 100 ft. She hit another post and I kept going an additional 385 feet. The actual impact from our cars literally created a new "pothole" in the road that is still there, shook the gas station on the corner and I guess sounded like an actual explosion. I was trapped in my car for almost 30 minutes while workers tried to get me out.
Even after cutting off all 4 doors and the roof of the car, still had issues getting me out because the dashboard had been pushed over my right leg. I have no idea how they actually got me out, either from me passing out or just my memory making me forget it.
I don't remember a lot of it after the actual impact; just what I read in the police report or what was told to me by family members.
From what was told to me in the hospital from the doctors and nurses and what my family told me the police, paramedics and fire department had told them.. I should have died in that wreck. What a thing to hear, right? They waited about 5 days before telling me that and waited 2 weeks before telling me about the accident and letting me read the report. My problem now is, just seeing it. Over and over again in my head what
I DO remember. I have nightmares, I can read something in a book I have already read numerous times and one little dang line can send me into
an emotional breakdown.
How long will this last? I do not know anyone that has been in a wreck as bad as mine, so I really don't have anyone that can truly understand my mental state. Or even just what goes through my head. I sit in the back seat because my knee was shattered to dust and had to have it rebuilt, had a broken clavival bone since I was wearing my seatbelt but because of the angle of the hit, my airbag never went off so my right side went forward into the steering wheel and my left side stayed with the seatbelt. Actually the seatbelt cut into my shoulder, and had a fractured nose. But even in the back seat I freak out.. I mean I REALLY freak out. A car might pass us and I don't see anything but that car hitting us. Even though my brain is like the car has plenty of room. Braking scares me
I keep thinking we will hit the car ahead of us, or if a car is stopping at a stop sign, I see them not stopping and hitting us.
Help!! Anyone been there?? Is this ever going to stop??
Comments (11)
Cybertosh
I love the blue tone!
dolfijntjes
That's a terrible experience I never had a accident but what you discribe is Posttraumatic stress disorder I regognize that. The movie in your head over and over again and you can't stop it, the nightmares. Your head is working to hard and makes you soooo tired like your never been before. And that yes will get better but it takes time a lot of time and important good help professionel not only friends/family. You have to go thrue it to heal it hurts over and over again but in time you will find a way to live and deal with it. It will never go away it happened it's part of who you are now but you can find a way to live with it or better to live again Carefull hug and wish you a lot of strength
FrankT
It will stop but it'll take a while - each of us is different in the way we react to things like this so you can't say "It'll stop after X months" because you can't tell.
Stormbreaker
I'm really sorry. I have no real advice, I can't even imagine what you went through and are still going through. I hope you get better physically and emotionally soon. Take care. ^_^
auntietk
dolfinties is correct ... you are experiencing Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, or PTSD. I believe the best thing you can do for yourself is to get professional help. Find a therapist who understands what you're going through. It might take a little effort to find the right person. Don't be afraid to interview potential therapists ... THEY will be working for YOU, after all. You can do a lot of that over the telephone. Any therapist worth their salt will be happy to tell you what their specialty is, and whether or not they're comfortable dealing with PTSD. They don't have to know about recovering from an accident, specifically, but they have to have experience with trauma. Someone who works with veterans who have been in combat, or someone who works with people who were severely abused as children would be good people to talk to. If you talk to someone who you find isn't quite right, don't be afraid to ask them for a referral. Find someone you feel comfortable with. If you already know you would feel comfortable talking to one gender over another, don't be afraid to limit your search to only that gender. This isn't something you can do alone. I hope this helps. PTSD is very painful, but there really IS light at the end of the tunnel ... and there's no car coming through in the opposite direction, either! I wish you all the best in your journey. Good luck, and take good care ...
netsia
I was the driver in an accident where a car ran a red light. I went into the side of that car at about 50 mph. I was in physical therapy for 2 1/2 years because of a broken neck. Just closing my eyes would replay the incident in my head and bring the emotions back so strongly that I 'felt' everything all over again. PTSD was/is the official diagnosis. Professional help is a necessity to help get beyond the emotions/trauma/physical manifestations. I bought a CD of ocean sounds and played it 24/7....it got to the point, if I was sitting out on my deck, I was putting the neighbors into 'nap time' with my ocean sounds. I wish you the best....the 'fear' will subside....it took me awhile to be able to ride in a car comfortably. Good Luck to you.
beachzz
PTSD is powerful stuff and that's what's happening.. Other have already suggested professional help and they're right. You will get through this, let yourself be guided and helped. Don't be afraid to ask.
B_PEACOCK
Wow my friend when I saw you posted I was what a blast from the past here because it has been so long since you have posted . I am really sorry to hear that.What the others have said is true about getting help.It is going to take a while.My worse car wreck was when I was a child all the rest were minor compared to what you have been through.You know you and I were good friends for a long time and I am always here for you. I love you my friend and I will be praying for you.
Rick323
It's great to see your wonderful art again, it's been a long time. I'm so sorry to hear about your accident and it's effects on you. Try to stay positive and enjoy life--easier said than done, I know. Take care and get well!!
calum5
Damn,Im so sorry to hear all about this.You will get over the feelings,you just have to carry on as best you can.I was hit by a car while sitting on the seat of my hire mopped while on holiday in spain 21 years back.The driver actually tried to flatten me between his car and a wall.I and the bike were thrown up the wall and to the side of the crashed car.Despite me leg being sqashed into the petrol tank I landed on my back on the bike.It didnt knock me out,I was hit at about 50 mph.I remember looking up and seeing this guy get out of his car and run to the boot.He grabbed a crow bar and came to attack me before being restrained by friends and people from the public .I was lucky it could of been alot worse and 3 weeks later I was back in London at work riding my motorbike.The guy in spain thought I was someone else!(Well no problem then)! Another time I was ran over by a car and it flipped me over the vehcial about 15ft,I landed on kmy feet and was fine except a rip in my jeans at the knee where I caught the edge of the windscreen.I jumped last minute which saved me! I got over both incidents after no time .You will feel uncomftable but it eases off .I hope you body will be as good as new once you fixed up.Its great to see you uploading and I hope you will be around here or by mail.Thats a beautifull 'dreamy' image you made with this post.Take care Adria,do you need a nearly nude 6ft6 athletic shaped butler ;)lol.Luv cal
morganahope
I AGREED WITH CALUM5!! I NEVER HAD A ACCIDENT !! I'M SORRY ABOUT YOUR EXPERIENCE !! TRULLY !!I'LL PRAY TO YOU !! I HOPE YOU GET BETTER NOW EMOTIONALLY AND PHYSICALLY !! TAKE CAREFUL !!MY LORD LOVE YOU AND I'LL TOO !!