Fri, Dec 27, 9:45 PM CST

he was not followed (contains damn swear words)

Writers Weird posted on Sep 09, 2008
Open full image in new tab Zoom on image
Close

Hover over top left image to zoom.
Click anywhere to exit.


Members remain the original copyright holder in all their materials here at Renderosity. Use of any of their material inconsistent with the terms and conditions set forth is prohibited and is considered an infringement of the copyrights of the respective holders unless specially stated otherwise.

Description


" Look, what do you want from me? I haven' t got all day." The chicken takes a languorous drag off her cigarette.
        The man squirms in his chair, his hands sticky with sweat and horrible cheap moisturizer. " I. . . I want you to become my sandwich."
        " I see." The chicken leans back, studies him. A thin trail of smoke spirals out of her beak. " Why would I want to do that?"
        " I' ll make it worth your while." His eyes dart around the room; it' s maddening that he can feel her eyes on him when he can' t bring himself to look directly at her. You can do this. " My family has money. My dad. . . he' s got this casino owner out of Reno that owes him big. I can make a few phone calls, get you a pool house, a Ferrari, anything. Well, nearly anything."
        " Yeah, but obviously this would all be very temporary."
        The man does not reply. He can still taste the stale croutons of last night' s salad.
        The chicken sighs. " All right, I can see you really want this sandwich. You certainly went to a lot of effort to find me. In fact, you' ve wanted it for a long time, haven' t you?" She coughs out a hoarse, dry laugh. " You can' t take one more radish leaf or sun-dried tomato, can you? I bet if I said the word " cilantro" three times your fucking head would explode."
        As her next laugh culminates with her hacking up some phlegm and then immediately going for another puff on the ciggy, the man wonders if he' s really so desperate. Is it possible to get lung cancer from eating a chain-smoker? He tries to keep from wincing. " How much do you want and how long do you want it?"
        " I want an all-expenses-paid shopping trip to the White House, a seat in the Senate, and a Cadillac made entirely of gold. And carbon fiber." She nods slowly to herself, staring into space. " Made entirely of gold and carbon fiber. Maybe throw in some leather seats. You can talk to the cow down the street about those."
        " Damn you, chicken, I said " nearly anything" ! I can' t give you all that!" His hands are gripping the chair, every consonant firing spittle three feet from his trembling lips.
        " Look man, I want to die. Believe me, it' s not easy being delicious. But I' d like to end this life as gloriously as I can, and I' ve heard a lot of offers better than yours." She stands up, shuffles over to the door and kicks it open. " Now you can think real long and real hard about anyone else who owes your daddy, someone with a bit more scratch or some leverage with higher-ups, but until then you can take those stank armpits of yours faaaaaar away from my office."
        His face collapses. You blew it! This was your one chance and you fucked it up!
        The chicken cocks her head. " Is this gonna get ugly? I said to get the hell out of my office!"
        The man rises, adjusts his jacket, walks out the door. He wants to believe that there was nothing he could' ve done, that it was simply a matter of his connections not being good enough, but he can so clearly picture the derisive sneers of his boss, his old gym coach, his supposed friends. All those remarks about him being a total failiure they made behind his back and sometimes to his face that he can never brush off because of incidents like this. His legs carry him stiffly down the stairs to the alley and through the twisting roundabout route he took from his job to make sure he was not followed. He can still hear her horrible mocking laugh six blocks away. ********************* The chicken hasn't got all day. The chicken has appointments. I would really appreciate some critique here, if you have any ideas on why it doesn't work and/or how I could make it better. This is my first attempt at straight-up humor in about ten years and I'm worried that it sucks -- I think the premise is silly enough to be good but a premise alone doesn't make a good story. Also, do you think the title images are too small or should they stay like this? Thanks for your lovely comments on "the spider farm". EDIT: Removed a word I'm not using anymore because it's insulting to people with disabilities. Sorry I didn't think of that before.

Comments (3)


)

auntietk

8:32PM | Tue, 09 September 2008

I love the premise, and it doesn't suck! It's funny in a wry, political way as opposed to a ROTFLMAO way, and I find that very appealing. Nicely done!

)

anahata.c

9:59PM | Wed, 10 September 2008

oh I think this is good. Shorts are always hard because you're packing whole characters into snapshots & cloistered bits of dialogue that have to spell out a whole person in a frickin' minute; and the premise carries a lot of weight (whereas, in a longer piece, you have several premises, and they can ebb and flow over time). Shorts are an art that compresses you, puts you on the spot; and, from my experience, you've been perfecting that in your gallery descriptions and—I assume—in personal writings & letters to friends for a while now. I.e., you don't strike one as a beginner at all! There are phrases I might take out (I'd have to re-read it to pick them), but you'll find your choices as you do more. But you've got good back-&-forth, the premise is solid & funny, and you've made two characters two characters. (I.e., they're distinct.) Your end has the mix of reflection and irony that makes a short piece fly, and makes it funny too. You know, a collection of these could have a strong impact, and a collection takes the onus off any one to be 'perfect'. You've got the music, you've got the humor for sure, and you mix seriousness & humor enough to keep us feeling well beyond the tale. 'Backstory' as they call it in dramatics. I think you have this form in your blood, acs, and I think you have the writer's voice too. I'll be back!

netsia

3:13PM | Sat, 13 September 2008

I LOVE this premise! In my head, a last line of 'Get me mayo on the phone.', creeped in. I'll never look at a McChicken the same way. ;)


0 130 0

Photograph Details
F Numberf/3.5
MakeKONICA MINOLTA
ModelDYNAX 7D
Shutter Speed1/640
ISO Speed800
Focal Length180

01
Days
:
02
Hrs
:
14
Mins
:
08
Secs
Premier Release Product
Megan for Genesis 8 Female
3D Figure Assets
Sale Item
$14.63 USD 40% Off
$8.78 USD

Privacy Notice

This site uses cookies to deliver the best experience. Our own cookies make user accounts and other features possible. Third-party cookies are used to display relevant ads and to analyze how Renderosity is used. By using our site, you acknowledge that you have read and understood our Terms of Service, including our Cookie Policy and our Privacy Policy.