I don't have answers to these questions either, sorry. :(
But i found myself wondering less about this kind of questions as years pass(ed).
I mean, most of them are unsolvable puzzles, and i have done enough self mind torturing for a lifetime or two already.
So i would say: hang in there, try to see the positive in little things (that piles up eventually), and do the best you can with the situation and what you have. One day at a time.
Not much help, sorry.

Oh Girl, I have been so worried about you. Haven't seen you post here in SO LONG. I know those questions by heart. First of all, you have made a difference, a better difference in my life. Just simply knowing that there are others who struggle with this kind of depression, these kinds of questions, gives me strength. You aren't alone Ginny, even though it seems that way. I know that feeling too, so very well. There are so many of us out here, you would be amazed. I find it so interesting that a lot of them are here. So strange to me that we seem to find each other, from hundreds, even thousands of miles away, which confirms my belief about the reason for suffering. Honestly, there is only one thing that I can see that has a positive effect from suffering. That is to be able to help others who walk the same path in the darkness. Those flickering lights I see in the distance are the hearts and spirits of those who continue forward. Those lights flicker because we are stronger at times than other times. Sometimes the darkness seems to reach into our souls and clutches at our hearts and minds so that the light that should shine forth ( as it does for some) seems almost to be extinguished. The things that happen to us individually I think have happened because first of all, there were sick and twisted people, evil people in the world. As bad as the things that have happened to us, there have been others that I have known first hand, who have gone through worse than what I have. Those people are out there too, struggling up that same path. A big part of what direction we are going in is up to us. It took me literally years to realize that I do have a choice. For so many years those choices were taken from me, even in childhood as you know. It is hard to overcome those deeply rooted beliefs about our strength, our ability be in control, our ability to stand up for ourselves and to fight back. Who defines us? We do, we have to. If we don't define ourselves, others will continue to try to define who we are. That too is about strength, about control. I know in my own case, for many years, I felt like I was running on empty. I felt that so much had been taken FROM me that there was barely anything left OF me. We can't turn back time to recover that. But what we have to do is find a way to let go of all that and that is the most painful thing to do. I have spent the majority of my adult life, simply trying to NOT FEEL ANYTHING. Life hurts too much. Love hurts too much. These are things that I have learned from my life experience, from my 'perception'. God, how to explain this. Hell this may be the only comment you get but it will be a big one girl! Okay let me try it this way. All the bad stuff that happened to me I held on to. Family members took from me parts of myself, I struggled with the loss of relationship with my father, his parents, all my aunts, uncles and cousins, when I was 10 years old. I held on to it because it seemed that it was all I had. I had been wronged, mistreated, abused in the most horrific way a girl can be abused. I kept those feelings because they defined who I was. I had a 'right' to feel those things, and it seemed to me that if I let them go, it was like saying that what they did to me was okay. I was living my life in response to how they had abused me, and in response to that terrible sense of betrayal, of ABANDONMENT that I felt because of my father and his parents abuse, plus struggling with the loss of my other relatives on his side of the family. How the hell is a 10 year old girl supposed to handle that? It isn't possible. It can't be done. The only person who stood up for me, was my mom, and for years I watched her get beat down, physically and emotionally for that. So even though it wasn't my 'fault' for that, I felt responsible for that, and felt guilty. I apologize for the length of this, but I want you to understand where I am coming from, how hard it is to do what I am about to tell you. It is impossible some days for me to do this, others it is a struggle to even begin. It is never easy, at least not yet. What we have to do, is to actually experience all the pain again and to accept it, otherwise, we can't let it go and be free of it. We have to nurture the child we were, the one no one else nurtured. What we have actually done is to abandon ourselves. No matter how much others love us, we feel empty, we feel sad, we feel alone and lost. We have to find ourselves Ginny. No one can do it for us. Many times people just don't understand what we are going through, what we live with on a daily basis, unless they have experienced this kind of abuse. They 'CAN'T' understand it. They have no frame of reference to measure from. That too makes us feel even more abandoned, especially if it is someone who is a friend or even a relative. Really Ginny, we have only two choices. We can remain as we are and EXIST, or we can face all that we have been through, and try to LIVE the rest of our lives. I don't go to counseling. It was offered to me, because as you might remember, I am on medication for depression. I 'talked' about what happened for over 40 years to counselors and it didn't change anything. Talk by itself is not enough, even when the talk isn't cheap. We have to DO. We have to take an active part in who we are. We have to. We have to set boundaries, because people crossed those boundaries. We have to find them and they are set by what we will and won't allow. What do YOU want, what can YOU accept or not accept? William Shakespeare wrote,"This above all: to thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man." That includes being false to ourselves. We have to fight, sometimes ourselves. We have to make a conscious change in how we think. When you get a negative thought, you have to counteract it with positive ones,(that is hard at first). We have to stop trying to be all things to all people, stop trying to be the 'fixer'. Listen to uplifting music, read books about positive change. One of the best books I have ever read is titled, "Man's Search for Meaning" by Viktor Frankl. During World War II he spent 3 years at Auschwitz, Dachau and other concentration camps. This book helped me more than I can adequately express. Also a very helpful book by Lama Surya Das, titled "Letting Go Of The Person You Used To Be", is a big help. Both books can be gotten from Amazon.com. There is also a lady here who creates fractals and she writes such uplifting. and positive things. She has also helped me immeasurably, just from reading her writings. This is her link here: http://www.renderosity.com/mod/gallery/browse.php?user_id=59343 For me another hard part to accept was that simply because I saw things a certain way through my 'perceptions' of my life experience, didn't make those perceptions correct and true. Look what I was using to measure by. I hope this has helped girl. I know when you do write, it is like you open a vein and write in blood. I know how painful that can be, to stand soul naked in front of others, to let them see who we really are. Do you know how courageous you are? It takes guts to do that, and to not care what they think. Send me your email addy in sitemail okay? Don't know if the one I still have is valid? Love you my friend, Lea

Hi Ginny, yeah I know where you're at. Answers, I'm still pondering my own and yes, I agree, I as well write and talk to myself through it. Again, right, I too am never alone, for my thoughts will not leave me alone. Hugs, good to see you post.

Well hell, leanndra left nothing to be said lol. I pretty much agree with her thoughts. And mostly about the fact no one knows, or can understand unless they have walked in your shoes. I also think it's what you can, and MUST control. The tough part is knowing you can, and doing it. I think you have to be somewhat selfish in that you have to put YOU first. If you think about it, if you don't take care of you, then how can you do anything for anyone else? Do there really have to be answers tho? Live to be happy and you will be. But you have to make it happen not expect it to, or wait for it. Who we are is as simple as who we choose to be. As far as the way others see us is their choice and THAT you can't change or strife over. Easier said than done but true. Where are we, or am I, going is in MY control to limits set forth by the all mighty. But it gets complicated with that added also. Just do what it takes to make sure YOU are happy and the rest falls into place. This comes from a person that has been kicked around a lot in life, but I just demand MY happiness and keep walking toward my goal which is just that, "MY happiness". Great to see a post from you.

If you are fighting depression every day, no amount of talk therapy or thinking things through or reading books or figuring it out is going to help you. Go see someone about getting medication for your condition. Clinical depression is a physical issue, not a mental problem. If your brain isn't making the proper connections, isn't producing the prpoer chemicals in the right ratios, you can think and pray and ask and hope all you want, but nothing is going to change. Once you get the medical issue straightened out, you'll be able to address the questions you're asking.

FallenAngelLPN, it's been a long time since I've been back to ol 'rosity and I'm glad to see you're still around. I was paging through my galleries to find some inspiration (my interests have turned towards music lately) and I found your comments to be enlightening. I decided to check to see if you were still posting and it may not be the most recent, but at least you are still at it. Pick your head up and look truly at those around you. If you truly love them then you have done more for them than any physical act can do. If you don't truly love them, let them know. That way they know where they stand and they just might start on that same journey to right themselves. If they don't . . . well f**k 'em.