WPC / Lady Gloria Wellstacked had been feeling a little poorly this week.The doctor says it's her busy schedule as both Police officer and fund raiser, he suggested she should relax and have a night out. Well Lady Gloria is not the W.I type and so looked for some other diversion. Gloria remembered her late husbands fondness for The Itchinknob Gentleman's Club and the stories of sedate ' banter ' and 'japery' he recounted. One of Sir Cedrick's favorite events was the 'Crumpet Derby', when members would strip naked and, clenching a hot, buttered crumpet between their butt cheeks, race around the dinner table, neighing like horses.Prior to their wedding Gloria had thrown a dinner party for a number of Sir Cedrick's friends and fellow club members. The after dinner conversation had revealed two things....in the club's 150 year history no woman had ever crossed the threshold and it is extremely bad form to arrive by any other means than Chauffeur driven. Gloria determined to give the Itchinknob a good shake and drag it into the 21st Century. Her first obstacle was transport, the Wellstacked Chauffeur, Peveral, had never been comfortable with the ' horseless carriage'. Successive models of Rolls Royce had done little to alter his mind set, however when Lady Gloria traded in the latest Silver Ghost for a Bugatti Veyron, he snapped. Casting off his uniform, he went to live naked in a small cave in the ornamental garden, where he survives on Coy Carp harpooned from the pond. Lady Gloria would just have to drive herself, and so it was Lady Gloria Neatbush Wellstacked headed for Mayfair......Stribbling Minor, concierge of The Itchinknob Club, panicked when Gloria stepped from behind the wheel of her car, unable to grasp the concept of a 'Woman' driving and walking up the steps to the Itchinknob Club, he simply opened the door and then dropped dead from a massive brain hemorrhage.Gloria made her way into the club, as she 'wafted' down the hallway, she left in her wake the faint smell of lavender and an increasing number of cardiac arrests. Lady Gloria entered the 'smoking lounge' just as Sir Archibold Asparagus Anstrother was sipping his Brandy. The sight of a woman caused Sir Archibold to 'choke and spray ' his Napoleon Special Reserve, in the direction of Major General, Sir Fanshaw Gillstrap Trenchfoot. The highly volatile liquor passed over the ceremonial green candle, used for lighting cigars, and ignited, turning Sir Fanshaw into a human torch.With typical British poise, Sir Fanshaw barely flinched as he was rushed off to the Victoria and Albert Museum Hospital, Special Burns Unit and Sushi Bar. Further examination revealed that Sir Fanshaw had in fact been deceased for the passed 2 years, his body preserved by a lifetime of alcoholic excess. Doctors were amazed to find his alcohol stream contained less than 5% blood. This turn of events presented a problem for the Committee of The Itchinknob Club, only the previous night they had held an extraordinary meeting to discuss Sir Fanshaw's errant behaviour. First topic, Sir Fanshaw had been doing the same Times crossword for 2 years! a flagrant breech of Club rules, which state a member must be able to complete said conundrum in less than 20 minutes. Second, and more serious, Sir Fanshaw's repeated refusal to 'pass the Brandy' after dinner, causing more senior members to have to actually leave their armchair! to bye-pass him.Finally came the matter of Sir Fanshaw's unpaid Club dues, at 2 Guineas a week this had passed all toleration and a stern letter was to be written.One person not unhappy at the turn of events was Stribbling Major, the Club secretary. He had been elected to suggest to Sir Fanshaw that he may wish to avail himself of the clubs bathing facilities, as he smelled a bit 'funny'....Lady Gloria had a swift half at the bar and returned home, happy that she had taken the first step towards making the Itchinknob available for the enjoyment of women.......