[The Jack of Diamonds and The Joker Card] My name is Jack Tumbleweed Wrackleday, and I am the Jack of Diamonds—and I am about to be eaten by a giant Periwinkle Snail. Now you might think that an odd thing to happen shortly after breakfast, and on the way to school. Most kids would eat breakfast, grab their backpack, and head to school without a single thought about encountering an angry Periwinkle Snail intent on devouring them. But—this is the town of Waddlebrooke. Such things may very well occur here. You also might be thinking this is a story about hungry Periwinkle snails, but it is not. This story is about the Luke J. Kuel, The Joker Card, and how I never met him, even though I spent the whole day with him. You will also be thinking that this story starts at the beginning and finishes at the ending, but it does not. No—this story starts and ends at the beginning, which is a very Waddlebrooke thing to do. I start my day by waking up, which is a very sensible thing to do, or so I should think. Could you imagine going about your day without waking up first? You would wonder around in your pajamas with your eyes closed and possibly run into walls and such, and that would not be a sensible thing. My mother fusses over me for several minutes, checking my temperature by sticking a large thermometer under my tongue, and then places the back of her hand on my forehead. She then tries peeking inside my eyes, which makes giggle a little. After reading the thermometer, she declares that I am starved to the point of nearly wasting away. She prescribes two scrambled eggs, three sausages, an endless stack of pancakes, and a bottomless glass of orange juice chased down with a glass of milk. I tackle my breakfast and wonder if perhaps my mother thinks I am two people instead of one, being that there is enough food on the table for two of me. I lift a fork full of scrambled eggs to an inch of my mouth and stop frozen as Lilly Palor Tiptus wanders into the kitchen and sits down at the table across from me, as if she has done this everyday of her life. My mother, apparently in on this horror, piles eggs, sausage, and pancakes onto a plate and sets it in front of Lilly Palor Tiptus. You are probably wondering why I would say that having a surprise breakfast with the girl I like most is a horror. Well, I am sitting here at the table with my hair mussed from sleep and I am still wearing my pajamas with little choo-choo trains on them. I am fairly certain there are not many boys that want the girl they like to see them in their choo-choo jammies. “Did you take care of it, dear?” my mother says to Lilly Palor Tiptus. “Yes, Mrs. Wrackleday,” Lilly Palor Tiptus says. My mother bends down and looks at the little pocket watch necklace Lilly wears and nods. “Very nice dear,” my mother says. “Where is that horrid little girl now?” I am still frozen in shock as Lilly Palor Tiptus reaches across the table and with one finger gently pushes my hand with the fork full of scrambled eggs into my mouth and tells me to chew, then looks back at my mother. “I left her on the edge of town,” Lilly Palor Tiptus says. “Remember, we cannot say anything to Mr. Hornpickle until we have proof.” “Yes, Mrs. Wrackleday,” Lilly Palor Tiptus says. I decide to accept that Lilly Palor Tiptus is sitting in my kitchen talking with my mother about leaving people on the edge of town like it is the most normal of things. “You better hurry, Jack, we don’t want to be late,” Lilly says. I scoop down my eggs and sausage, ignore the pancakes, and flee the kitchen to get dressed. I am somewhat cross with my mother for letting Lilly see me in my choo-choo jammies. I quickly dress and pull my shoes on with the extra-long laces for double-knotting. My fine red jacket with the fur hood is gone, shredded in the woods when I got lost and had the weird dream. I pull my old thin jacket on and head for the front door; Lilly is already there holding a package and hands it to me. I am curious and open it, and I find a brand-new red puffy coat. “I’m sorry, Jack,” Lilly says. “There weren’t any other coats left with fur hoods, but Aunt Grimbina found a very nice hat.” The coat is similar to the one that got ripped up in the woods, and the hat is a dark-red striped toboggan that folds up on the sides so you can pull it down over your ears when you get cold. I pull it on; it is cozy and warm, and I like it very much and tell her. We head out into the snow and start walking to school; I am glad to walk to school with Lilly Palor Tiptus, even if she did see me in my choo-choo jammies. I ask who she left on the edge of town though I did not expect an answer; everyone has been secretive and avoided all my questions. Neil visited me while I was recuperating, and I asked about his top hat. He just repeated what everyone else said and told me I dreamed the whole thing. “Jack, it’s for your own good nobody is telling you anything,” Lilly says. “Just tell me if it was a dream or real,” I say. I’m sure you have noticed that I am only using Lilly’s first name instead of all three; it is only proper because we are friends. “Please don’t ask me anything else,” Lilly says. “They made me promise not to tell you.” “Penelope Cornapeous Hornpickle told me she was going to make me walk to school with her from now on, but you showed up, can you at least tell me what happened?” “Oh that, Aunt Grimbina said I’m allowed to protect what’s mine,” Lilly says. “She won’t try to walk to school with you again.” I was fairly certain I understood what that meant, and it made my heart skip a beat thinking about it. I was not opposed to that idea at all. I open my mouth to say something else, but Lilly holds a hand up to stop me. “One more word about it and I tell everyone you wear choo-choo jammies,” Lilly says. I know she won’t tell anyone, but I close my mouth and just grin stupidly. She gives me a little smile, and I think that is the moment a silent understanding passes between us. We walk through town, and I look through the windows at the Shop Keepers preparing their Shops for the day. The Butcher is fighting off a herd of cats at his door while he carries packages in from a delivery truck. The Baker is putting fresh loaves of bread in his the window, and I see Ms. Boxnip putting a new shipment of shoes out for display. "Oh, I forgot my math book in Aunt Grimbina's office," Lilly says. "I'll catch up with you." I walk on, enjoying the crisp morning air and watching my town wake up. I walk slowly so Lilly will be able to catch up, and just as I pass an alley between the Hardware Store and the Cake Shop I see someone out of the corner of my eye. "Yo, Diamonds, what's your hurry?" I wasn't hurrying at all, but I turn to see who it is. A boy is leaning against the dusty red brick building that is the Hardware Store. The boy has his thumbs hooked in the pockets of his jeans, and he is wearing a leather jacket with the collar turned up. I look him up and down trying to figure out which end of him looks the most ridiculous. On his feet is a pair of sharp pointed Winkle pickers with two little silver buckles each, and at the other end of the boy his hair is greased back and up into a ducktail. I keep my face blank; despite his clothing he looks to be a tough guy. I think he looks about two or three years older than me, but I think it best not to make this hooligan mad. "Do I know you?" "I know you, Diamonds." "How do you know me?" The boy pushes himself off the wall and takes his thumbs out of his pockets and walks up to me. I want to back up a step, but that might show weakness and I don't want to look weak, this tough guy looks like he means business. He surprises me next by reaching up to my new toboggan hat and flipping his hand once he pulls a playing card out of my hat and shows it to me. "See, says right here, you are the Jack of Diamonds." "Nice magic trick." "No magic trick, Diamonds, you've been carrying this card around since the day you were born." I have never had anyone call me Diamonds before, but I kind of like it, it makes me feel dangerous and different, as if someone else has been hiding inside me waiting to be found. The boy reaches up and tucks the card into the folded up part of my toboggan hat. I put my hand up to check the card, but I decide just to leave it there, I like it. The boy turns away and starts walking down the alley. "Well, are you coming, Diamonds?" the boy says. "I don't even know who you are?" I say. He stopped and turned around to face me again, held his hand up and did that little flip of the hand again, and a card appeared. "The Joker Card?" I say. The boy poses and points at his ridiculous tough guy outfit. "The Joker Card is the Wild Card, get it, Wild Card," says the boy. I raise an eyebrow but don't say anything. "Oh, come on now, like the song... Boorrrnnn tooo beee wiillldd," the boy sings. "Never heard of it," I say. "Okay, fine, you can just call me Luke J. Kuel," says the boy. "That's spelled K-U-E-L." "Really?" I say. "Your last name is just your first name with the letters mixed up, and the J is obviously for Joker, is this all you do, make jokes?" Luke holds the Joker Card up and grins. "Okay, I get it," I say. "Good, now are you coming, Diamonds?" "Why should I go with you?" Luke J. Kuel loses his grin. "Do you want to know who you are, and why they call you the Jack of Diamonds?" "I already know." "Do you? Don't say it's because your mommy says you have diamonds in your eyes, please, you're going to make me throw up." He sticks a finger in his mouth and pretends to gag. "It was nice to meet you, I'm going to school now," I say and turn to leave. "You know, it's ironic that the liar of the deck is the only one that will tell you the truth. There is a Great Game being played, and you are losing. Your father didn't listen either, and he died because of it, and the next card to die will be the Queen of Diamonds if you don't listen either." I spin around and shout, "Don't you threaten my mother." "Your mother isn't the Queen of Diamonds," Luke says. "When your father died that card passed to another." The color drained from my face, and my knees felt weak. I think I know who he was talking about, and I don't know why it hit me harder than when I thought he was threatening my mother. I put my fists up and narrowed my eyes. "If you try to hurt her..." "You'll what?" says Luke J. Kuel. "You haven't a clue how your magic works; you couldn't fight the Two of Clubs right now, follow me or not, your choice." "There is no real magic, and I don't believe anything you are saying, but if I did, why should I listen to you?" I say. "I'm the Joker Card, the Wild Card—I'm neutral," Luke says. "The Game has already started, everyone else is cheating, and you are losing. I don't think that makes a very good game." Luke turned and walked away down the alley. I watch him walk away and made a decision, though it probably wasn't a very good decision. I've been making plenty of bad decisions lately, and nobody else would tell me what was going on. I chased after him. "So, now what?" "First, you need to learn how your magic works." "There is no magic.” "That's okay; you don't have to believe in it for the magic to work." We walked to the end of the alley, and he stopped and pointed at a spot on the side of dusty brick building that was the back of the Cake Shop. "See that," he says. "Yes," I say, looking at a carving of a small diamond. "How many luck cards a day do you get?" he says. I make a wry face; it was true I was lucky, but it was just a silly game, not real magic, but I understand. "One." "Wrong," he says. "Go ahead and use a luck card to wish for something." I got him now; I can say something so stupid that it should prove there is no magic. I look at the Cake Shop and smile. "I wish I had a bunch of cupcakes." Luke J. Kuel takes three steps back and grins. I stand there knowing cupcakes are not just going to just fall fro... I throw my hands over my head as a dozen cupcakes rain down on me. I look up and see Mrs. Kraton, the Cake Shop owner leaning out of the second story window. "Is that you, Jack?" Mrs. Kraton says. "Sorry, are you okay, I was cooling the cupcakes on the ledge and dropped a pan, so sorry Jack." "That's okay, Mrs. Kraton, I'm fine," I say. Luke J. Kuel gives me one of those grins that say; I told you so. "Doesn't prove anything, everyone knows I'm lucky." I do have to admit that cupcakes’ raining down on me is unusually extra lucky and wished I had thought to do something like that before. Having cupcakes for lunch would have been a dream come true on days I only had a bologna sandwich to eat. "Touch that diamond on the wall," Luke J. Kuel says, pointing at the carving of the diamond. "Go ahead, it only stings a little." "Why?" I say. "Your ancestors have been cheating for thousands of years," Luke J. Kuel says. "Each previous Jack of Diamonds carved a diamond somewhere on the sides of buildings, walls, statues, roads, and not just in Waddlebrooke, but all over the world. Then when they died, their one luck-card-a-day magic went into the carving of the diamond they made instead of just disappearing back into the world. All you have to do is touch one of those diamonds to get that long gone Jack of Diamonds daily luck card." I don't believe a word Luke J. Kuel is saying, but I touch the carving of the diamond. "Ouch." I pull my hand back; it felt like a tiny little shock. "The Jack of Diamonds that made that carving is your blood-line, so you can use it, but his magic wasn't intended for you, so you get a little shock when you take it, but all those diamonds make you the most powerful card," Luke J. Kuel says. "Okay, let’s say I believe you, what is this Great Game you said I'm losing?" "There are five worlds; all had magic, but ours was the strongest in magic. Rock Topeus Soupstone and the other Gods decided to seal all the magic away in boxes, but Soupstone cheated and left some out for two Knight Guardians and a Gate Guardian." "Do you know how crazy that sounds," I say. Luke J. Kuel waved his hand dismissively. "Rock Topeus Soupstone didn't realize until it was too late that the other Gods cheated also and hid some of their magic away for their favored mortals. Rock Topeus Soupstone couldn't reopen the Wonky Box, so to keep order he invented the deck of cards. Each card represents one of the Fifty-three Gods of our world, and each of those cards has the tiniest bit of that Gods magic, and was given to a mortal—and the Great Game began." "What Great Game?" I say. "The Game is to keep the Wonky Box closed, or to open the Wonky Box, depending which side you are on," Luke J. Kuel says. "What side am I on?" I say. "The Diamonds have always wanted to keep the Wonky Box sealed as Rock Topeus Soupstone intended, but it's up to you. The Hearts want to open the Wonky Box and return our world to the way it was in the beginning." "What about the Clubs and Spades?" "They change sides all the time.” "Who are the other Diamonds?" "I've only found The Jack, Queen, Ace, and Two of Diamonds so far, but that isn't saying much because the King, Jack, Ace, and Two of Diamonds have been in the same families since the beginning." "The King of Diamonds," I say sadly. "That was my father, and it's why we are losing, we are missing a card." "Yep, but when you have a son, you will become the King of Diamonds and he will get the Jack of Diamonds card." "This sounds insane," I say. I look around and realize we have been walking while we talked and are now standing on a snow covered road outside town. "Many magical creatures hid when Rock Topeus Soupstone sealed magic away," Luke J. Kuel says. "Are you ready to see our world the way it was before the Wonky Box?" I nod, and Luke J. Kuel puts his fingers in his mouth and whistles a loud screeching whistle. I look around unsure what to expect, and what I see is something I certainly would never have expected. Two giant snails are headed right for us, speeding across the top of the snow, and making waves that ripple as if they are boats speeding across the ocean. "What are those?" I say. "Periwinkle snails, the only way to travel," Luke J. Kuel says. The snails are as tall as a horse and slide sideways to a stop and splash snow all over me. Luke J. Kuel jumps up on one of the snails and gives it a kick and the snail whips off at a speed that is most definitely not snail-like. I shrug and with some difficulty crawl up onto the back of the second snail. I have to wrap my arms around the snail to keep from falling off. My snail catches up with the first snail and we race along the road and then turn suddenly into the woods and weave between the trees. The ride is amazing. We slow down, and Luke J. Kuel points at a spot between two trees. I see what I think are big red lips between the trees. "That's a Red-lipped Batfish," Luke J. Kuel shouts. "But don't let it kiss you, you'll become invisible for three days." The snails continue on, and I see what I can only describe as an ugly shark swimming between the trees. Luke J. Kuel shouts back at me, "Pink Fairy Goblin-Shark, careful, it has a nasty bite." The snails weave around the odd creature and we speed through the trees. I wonder how fish can swim around the woods, but Luke J. Kuel has pulled ahead and seems to be chasing a giant snowball rolling across the snow. The big snowball escapes over a hill and picks up speed going down the other side of the hill. My snail catches up again, and Luke J. Kuel shouts, "That was a Wobbelgong, if you catch it you get a Wobble prize." I don't know what a Wobble prize is but would have liked to find out. The snails race through the woods for another hour and I see more fantastical creatures, and then we come out on the road and race towards Waddlebrooke. The snails don't slow down but plunge right into town, past my school, past the shops and right into the alley where I first met Luke J. Kuel. The crazy part is we weaved around people, wagons, delivery trucks, and not a single person seemed to notice me riding on a giant Periwinkle snail. Luke J. Kuel jumps down from the snail, and I fall off laughing. "Well, there you go, Diamonds," Luke J. Kuel says. "That was fun, wasn't it? So, open the Wonky Box, or keep it closed, what will it be, which side are you taking?" "What side are you?" I say. "I told you, I'm the wild card, I win no matter which way you play the hand," Luke J. Kuel says. "I'll think about," I say. "You have to decide," Luke J. Kuel says. I think about everything he has told me, and something isn't right. A card game isn't won with just one hand; I think about it for a few minutes and realize what he said earlier. He is the liar of the deck, and he just said, 'the hand.' Why did he say hand instead of game? He was supposedly teaching me about the game, not hands. "You said you win no matter which way I play the hand," I say. "So, the only way I can win this hand is not to play at all, I'm going to school, see you later." The Periwinkle snails move to block my exit. "Diamonds, I thought we were friends; I'm not asking you to open the Wonky Box, or to keep it closed, just make a decision what you are going to do." I do not know what the hand is I am playing, and maybe I never will. But I do know a wild card can change a hand to something completely different. Oh wait--I do know the hand that is being played. If I say I want the Wonky Box open, he doesn't have to do anything. He will get magic in the world again, but if I say I don't want the Wonky Box open, he's the wild card and can change the hand to mean I do want the Wonky Box open and it will open and he gets the magic released. I am going to have to be more careful; I've been playing a hand against The Joker Card and didn't realize it. I make a dash to get around the Periwinkle snail, but it moves too fast and knocks me down. "I am sorry, Diamonds," Luke J. Kuel says. "I do like you, just wish yourself to sleep so you don't feel it." I realize in horror he is going to feed me to the snail; I'm going to get eaten by a giant Periwinkle snail. I hope this isn't what happened to my father; this is horrible. The snail opens its slimy mouth and long strands of goo drip on me from its open maw. The snail is about to take its first bite of me when Lilly Palor Tiptus dashes in from between the dusty red brick building that is the Hardware Store and the Periwinkle snail. She grabs my hand and pulls as the snail is just inches from having me for a Periwinkle snack and... ...Lilly Palor Tiptus reaches across the table and with one finger gently pushes my hand with the fork full of scrambled eggs into my mouth and tells me to chew, and then looks back at my mother. “I left her on the edge of town,” Lilly Palor Tiptus says. “Remember, we cannot say anything to Mr. Hornpickle until we have better proof.” “Yes, Mrs. Wrackleday,” Lilly Palor Tiptus says. The fork and the scrambled eggs fall out of my mouth, and I whip my head around looking for the Periwinkle snail. "How?" I say. Lilly lifts the little pocket watch necklace and smiles at me. "You are not the only Diamond with a little bit of magic, silly Jack of Diamonds." "But...but..." I stutter. "Don't worry, he doesn't know because you haven't met him yet, all he knows is that the score is in our favor now, but he doesn't know how," Lilly says. "I...I...huh?" "You lost a hand in the woods against a Heart, but I'm not sure which Heart she is yet. Then I won a hand against her this morning when I left her outside town, making it a draw, and now you just won a hand against the Joker Card, which is really amazing, you were awesome, but then he tried to cheat, but no matter, we are up by one hand," Lilly says. "More scrambled eggs, dear," my mother says. "You better hurry, Jack," Lilly Palor Tiptus says. "We can't be late, we can never be late." I stare at the amazing Lilly Palor Tiptus. Well, anyway, that is the story of The Joker Card, and how we end at the beginning. I am the Jack of Diamonds, and I hope to see you again soon. Bye now.