BIO
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I have fluctuated between writing things about my state of mind and writing about my life as we know it. Most of the time I'd just delete everything and leave it all blank. I've decided to just ramble on from time to time and let the crap stay. Kind of a log file, just as hard to understand, and just as worthless to most...
May 08 2009: Posted an issue I feel strongly about. Alienate a lot of people. Need to talk to someone. Tried talking to friends but we are all dealing with the same s#it - the loss of a friend. Tried here on Renderosity. Nobody will talk.
May 14 2009: Took some time off to let go of some anger. Hope to post again. I really want to delete everything. Been a member since 2003 so I know how it works. I am just getting so tired of everything.
May 18 2009: It's so desperately sad that my life has come to this. I had hoped there'd be something better for me. I used to think I had something to say. But my private ideologies gave me away. I tried to keep my mouth shut but it's always the same over and over and over again.Today I got it wrong again but it's not surprise. Once more heaven has forgotten me. So everybody clap your hands together and close your eyes, as I watch my world collapse. Don't waste your sympathy on me because I made this mess. My mistakes happen with so much success but I drag you all down into my sorry mess. I said I was sorry but it's always the same over and over and over again. I have been doomed from the first time I tried to find something to say I kept hidden inside. It would be much better if I just smiled and lied. ...
June 5, 2009: Things are not good. I know I should blog. No body reads this. Most web users skim at best. So I am safe in leaving behind scraps of mental illness in my wake. Things are NOT good..
July 10, 2009: It's all turned the s#it - i'ts ALL s#it.
November 25, 2015: I am amazed that I still breath. Whenever I begin to feel as if I have no Hope, I hear a whisper in my ear that reminds me I AM STRONG.
...at least for one more day.
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Comments (3)
whispering_wind_F38
**This is so sad... yet, beautiful. Children always feel like they can save their parents, but they never can... because they are just wee children. I love the nickname yo-yo ~ even tho your mom left, and in a very scary & upsetting way (especially for a wee child and family) ~ I have a feeling she felt "you would be better off without her." Tho she will never know that was not so.
When they found a inoperable tumor on my spine (cancer)... I was at stage 3, nearly 4. The tumor cost me mobility from lower trunk (body) and down. I needed help with so much. I have 3 children.. my youngest were 15 and 6 at the time. I must admit, there were times I felt as a huge burden to my wonderful husband and children. I felt, I was causing my entire family - fear. My 6 year old daughter had a hard time while i was in the hospital for 30+ days. She cried a lot. Everyone was so afraid - I had chemo, radiation.. etc. It was a long battle, but i won - tho I will never get the use of my legs back.
From the view of a parent, a mom - sometimes we really believe someone we love the very, very, most ~ would be better off if we were gone. That the pain of whatever was happening at the time would go away. But the world doesn't work that way - the hurt left behind makes a child wonder... was it something i did? did she not love me? was i a bad boy? is it my fault?
I would like to speak to you via your mom. No. No. No. Never. She made a very tragic decision. Maybe.. with time gone by - she would have been ok. She loved you... Alot - I just know it. Cause you were her yo-yo. Her wee yo-yo. And you shall always be her yo-yo. If I could, I would hug you now. The pain of that day, that child ~ shall never go away. Hopefully, that day can fade some.. and you focus on the life, the good times, the love of the one who called you yo-yo. I'm sure there were more wonderful days... then terrible. Focus on the happy. Remember her smile, her smell, hear her laughter, remember her stories. Focus on the light of who she was... and not on the saddest day of her/your life.**
Much Love, Huggles, & Blessings to you and that wee yo-yo still inside. Brenda
giulband
Sad but extremely expressive artwork !!!!!!
Arrogathor
Brilliant image.