What an information-packed and insightful show this was. On a recent broadcast of 'Truths Be Known' show host Christine Faranoli welcomes guest and Relationship Counselor Dr. Brenda Frazer to share valuable insight on the subject of 'High Conflict Personality.' Dr. Fraser explains what it is, how it can destroy relationships and what can be done to properly and effectively address the matter. Here are some excerpts from that conversation... Christine: It's a silent killer and often such a mystery to many people because in instances where a relationship is being torn apart by someone with High Conflict Personality, most times the aggressor is not aware of what he or she is doing. We've all seen it and even experienced being targeted for abuse by someone with high conflict personality but we were never sure just what it was called and that high conflict is more serious of a problem than most would think. Brenda: That is right, they are usually unaware of anything is wrong because the aggressor is too busy thinking of what could be wrong with the person they are targeting. Christine: How in the world can that be, since the aggressor is obviously upset for some reason to begin with? Brenda: Denial. The aggressor is in a state of pure and simple denial that anything is wrong with them while they are in this abusive state. In severe cases the aggressor's state of mind is preoccupied with trying to correct everyone else around them, yet they become even more aggressive as it goes with the frustration that sets in when it appears to them the person they are abusing don't seem to get what the abuser is trying to get across, whether it be right or wrong. Christine: I have heard of this happening way too many times in marriage situations and family relationshipt but where else could this occur? Brenda: Unfortunately it happens in work situations. There might be a dispute between a couple of co-workers where one of the two happens to be high conflict and before you know it a war starts, which undoubtedly can wreck the morale and teamwork spirit of the company. When this happens unfortunately everyone in the department or even the entire crew of the business is affected because any kind of unrest with a team can suck the motivation and spirit of productivity out of a team, ushering in a very bad spirit of fear and anxiety into the workplace. And before you know it animosity is likely to rear its ugly head and further feed into what has already by this time become a hostile and intimidating workplace. Christine: There is the situation where it's co-workers causing this sort of unrest in a workplace but I've also heard way too many times situations where it is a manager or a boss with High Conflict Personality causing this sort of horrific and dreadful work environment. Brenda: Yes. Oh, yes, the all-too-common abusive boss situation. Such a thing can debilitate the crew of a business and obviously harm the productivity and even the future of the business because everybody there is running around scared or constantly walking on eggshells, pre-occupied with justifiable fears of what the boss is gonna do next or who's head is gonna end up on the chopping block next. That is, unless the issue the boss may have of High Conflict Personality is addressed and in severe cases it must be addressed on a professional level by someone specially skilled in handling and appropriately addressing the matters of High Conflict Personality within a company so that a solution to the issues at hand can be resolved and peace can be restored to the workplace. Christine: An employee can't just arrange a private meeting with an abusive boss and tell them in confidence of your concerns that they may have an issue with high conflict and they want to help them with their problem? Brenda: Seems the logical thing to do but unfortunately that could potentially make matters worse, and fast. Christine: Ahh, that's because the abusive boss is likely to be in denial of any fact that he or she really has any problems. Brenda: Yup. The aggressor is in such a deep state of mind that everything they do and say is justified and that they never made a mistake although in reality the aggressor is already not looking very competent to all others around him or her. The fear, dread and anxieties generated by someone with High Conflict Personality creates this terrible feedback loop where those under the gun by such an aggressive person have to deal with those fears and anxieties, which in-turn feed back into the already enormous ego of a boss with High Conflict Personality. When that happens lines of communications and trust are torn down, the morale of the workplace gets derailed and until the problem is addressed and remedied, the business will find itself in danger as well as will the jobs of the employees working there because the employees will either get fed up with it and leave or the boss goes on a firing rampage and of course no one wants that to happen. Christine: No one but the boss because he or she is certain in their own mind they are somehow right! Brenda: Absolutely. And as I said earlier, High Conflict Personality can devastate a marriage or even destroy the relationships within the family. Christine: High Conflict Personality is a real demon! What can be done to remedy such a horrifying situation as that? Brenda: First off, knowledge is power. It's been a mystery for many people for so long but there is a sure-fire solution. So at first, knowing that 'High Conflict Personality is what it is called and that the real problem involves self-denial within the person with High Conflict. Now we've identified it with a term that helps makes sense of all this. That is a BIG step in the right direction to restoring and repairing a relationship that has been, to whatever degree, damaged by High Conflict. Christine: How do we do that? I mean... how... does a person who has the misfortune to have had become the target of someone with High Conflict Personality accomplish this? Brenda: First off understand and accept that no one is ever gonna change the behaviour and mindset of someone with High Conflict Personality except the person him or herself, but a victim of abuse by someone with High Conflict CAN make changes within the self and can develop skills within themselves so as to better cope with and deal with the aggressor's words and actions, to establish and fortify better lines of communications between them and their aggressor and to express empathy toward their aggressor. Believe it or not when someone with High Conflict senses that the person they are talking to or accusing of something gone wrong expresses a genuine response of empathy and understanding, that usually can cause the aggressor to stop and regroup, and then in turn calm down a bit. And when a sense of calm is restored, guess what, rational and reasonable thinking can take centre stage again and defensiveness on the part of all parties involved takes a backseat. The next step is to offer a solution so as to assure the aggressor that whatever it is upsetting them will not be a problem in the future. The last and most-important step in this process is to simply just listen to what they have to say, giving them your undivided attention in the conversation. That will give the aggressor the sense that they are indeed not alone in how they feel about the situation and confidence that they are talking to someone who truly has a desire to remedy the situation so things can progress to smoother sailing. Christine: Wow! I sure hope members of our audience who have been experiencing the horrors of being under the gun of someone with High Conflict are taking notes because without a doubt those steps could really help in turning what would be a very frightening situation around for the better. Brenda: Absolutely and as I said a bit ago, in severely progressed cases where it looks like things within the workplace or any other type of relationship situation where High Conflict Personality have become a nightmare for all and it's likely to come to blows, a specially skilled and experienced counselor needs to step in, examine the situation and mediate, so as to help get on the road to reconciliation, forgiveness and ultimately repair and restoration to the relationship. Awesome. Dr. Fraser, thank you so much. You have really helped demystify this whole phenomenon of High Conflict Personality and the words that you have shared with us is undoubtedly going to help so many people who hear this message and are in need of answers on this subject. Brenda: It is my pleasure. I love to help. WOW! Great and timely information and solutions to such a horrific problem and we sure hope that the information shared with us today by Dr. Fraser will touch someone's life and to ultimately help initiate a healing and renewing of spirit to those who are finding themselves in need. We need to thank Dr. Fraser for coming on with Christine Faranoli on her show to share with us this crucial information.