Forsaken by naria
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Description
This is one that i've been working on as of late; any advice would be greatly appreciated...thanks
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Comments (6)
BlueLotus7
Sending you a msg--love the idea!
roadrunner69
well done!
airlynx
I feel a lot of self-loathing from this, which I'm not a fan of, but you make it work. I don't know if you need the "Why?" in there. It's funny to think of one word as cliche, but I think it may be. It has a certain interupted flow that I think you could improve on. Break up a few lines into shorter segments, or maybe combine them into longer segments, to get a better sense of unity. Otherwise, I like this one a lot. (hey, you said you wanted suggestions, don't look at me like that)
naria
lol no i appreciate it all...thank you very much, i will remove the "Why" because as i re-read it over, you're right, it just doesn't fit. and i have printed a copy of this poem to use to scribble on and make my adjustments as needed lol...thank you all for your suggestions!!
meico
A moving description of the development of very low self-esteem and the despair to which it irrevocably leads.
cagewench
I thought this was excellent. I have many with a similar tone (actually one I was considering posting tomorrow)... I would remove the "why?" though as airlynx suggested.