I don't want to by cagewench
Close
Hover over top left image to zoom.
Click anywhere to exit.
Members remain the original copyright holder in all their materials here at Renderosity. Use of any of their material inconsistent with the terms and conditions set forth is prohibited and is considered an infringement of the copyrights of the respective holders unless specially stated otherwise.
Description
Listless
nearly lifeless
wallowing in self-pity
while driving myself to exhaustion
I don't want to think
I don't want to feel
I don't want to cry
Playing with the grass
I can feel the earth beneath me
as I roll onto my back
to face the sky
I don't want to cry
I don't want to fail
I don't want to watch Mom die
I seek clarity
but turn a blind eye
I push away illusion
yet reality cuts me
I don't want to watch Mom die
I don't want to hide
I don't want to be afraid
My eyes avoid intrusion
turning away from your face
and your concerns
watching the clouds instead
I don't want to be afraid
I don't want to think
I don't want to feel
Focused on the sky
trembling with tension
I slowly allow you to embrace me
Now it's time to cry
______________________________________________
Tomorrow a hospital bed will be delivered to the house to try to make caring for my Mom easier on her and on me and on my siblings (who pitch in on weekends). But I do know that this is a temporary fix and, probably sooner than I can anticipate, Mom will either have to be put into a home with pallative care specialists or she will have died at home.
It's not good.
And I'm having a hard time dealing, but tonight I made a point of taking pictures of the sky, because taking pics tends to make me happy...
ok, pic I took tonight was added
Comments (9)
jstsittinghere
beautiful sky, heartfelt words.. my prayers to your mom, you and your family.. in this difficult time
AusPoet
You are so strong. I can see it, as I'm sure you can - even if sometimes you find that strength difficult to believe in. What a tragic little tug of war you have there - if the day-to-day difficulties were over, it would likely mean the passing of your mother. I cannot say that I understand entirely, as I have not walked in your shoes, but my heartfelt thoughts are with you nonetheless. Glad you have been able to have a cry, too.
netsia
I am on the other side of the 'worst thing that can happen'. My mom, at the end, went into the hospital. About 3am Valentine's Day 2000, I heard my front door (locked) open and felt the cold air in the house. My mom walked up to me and said 'it's ok' and turned and 'drifted' away. I knew that she was gone. I closed the front door, if I had needed proof of this event, closing the front door would be it and made coffee, waiting for a phone call. I tell you this because it is comforting to know that we don't cease to exist, we just exist on a different level. THAT is a comfort. Be strong and know that your mom is always there and loves you for who you are and for the way that you are caring for her. "And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make".
TallPockets
Wonderfully written thoughts. An honest look at life's experiences. V o t e.
cagewench
Thanks all. What actually ended up happening yesterday was that the DR made a housecall, after we'd had the hospital bed delivered and the DR said Mom needed to be in a palliative care medical facility ASAP. Mom was admitted late yesterday afternoon...
gallimel
You've written something so deep. I have felt tears arise from line one...My best wishes, all my prayers and support for you, your mum and your family. Hugs, Meli.
cagewench
thank you hug I am looking fwd to my hubby getting off work so we can go and visit Mom tonight
atom80
Thank you so much for sharing this. Putting these feelings down on paper (in such a heartfelt)manner is a wonderful tribute of love to your mother.
cagewench
Thanks :) We're going up there again this afternoon adn I'm hoping I will eventually get to meet her new DR...