Fear & Desire II by AusPoet
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Description
I have wanted to pick up that phone so many times I've lost count.
But then I stop myself,
and think -
perhaps the first hug,
and even the second,
were meant by him as
a paternal gesture?
Am I be a fool to have such thoughts and feelings as I do?
We had bonded some more that day,
labouring side by side in my yard
in the quiet drizzling rain.
We shared childhood tales
of struggle and parental disappointment;
we enjoyed the luxury of
seeing understanding
rather than pity
in each others' eyes.
The 19 year age gap was irrelevant as we shared those timeless anecdotes and the respect grew almost visibly between us.
When the rain fell too heavily
we drank hot coffee and
talked some more;
It was all
so natural and easy,
just as it had been each time
we crossed paths.
He told me he has a daughter my age. I was reminded that he is the same age as my mother.
And when it was time
to call the day to an end,
It seemed natural to hug,
although it was his idea.
I pulled away first.
He didn't let go right away,
and he kissed me, although
more as friends would,
and I sank back into the warmth
of his arms.
It was comfortable, and I didn't want it to end, but again, I was the first to pull away.
I clumsily patted his back
in a friendly way and
the moment was gone.
We moved closer to the door,
Chatting on the way,
And at the moment of exit,
he turned and asked
for another hug.
We held each other, longer this time, and I sensed some trembling, but I couldn't tell from whom it was emanating. I don't remember who pulled away.
As he left,
I wanted to call him back.
I was smiling all over though
and went to the window
to watch him drive away.
A long deep sigh escaped
from me as his car
disappeared around the corner.
I am now left wondering whether or not I have misunderstood. I feel a bit silly and clumsy.
And the question of what to do next is driving me to distraction. I'm not likely to see him for at least another week... unless I find the courage to call him or something. But I wouldnt know what to say to him. I could go quite nuts in that period of time, or bore you with my musings!
Help me oh wise 'Rosities! ;-)
Comments (5)
cagewench
shoot sweetie, I don't know what to advise, if you got the "friend" vibe more strongly than any other... then that's where I'd be leaving things, but your other post made me think it was more of "more than friends"
AusPoet
yeah, well the other post was perhaps more of a "first impression"... so perhaps more accurate. This one describes the events more factually in an attempt to find out what really happened... if that makes any sense. Just thinking more about it, I suppose the first impression is more about my instincts, which I am currently learning to trust... oh argh! I suppose I might have to take a risk in order to find out properly.
AusPoet
Woohoo! Always trust your instincts, I say. I took a chance, and called, and asked, and it was definitely not a paternal thing. :-) I'm on cloud 9 right now. The only thing that would make things any better would be having him here right now and getting more of those hugs. I'll see him tomorrow. Yippee! :-)
netsia
You do have Victoria's Secret in Australia, right? LOL Enjoy....those NEW feelings are fun. Age is just a number, one of the best, fun relationships in my life I was 36 and HE was 23. I thought he was older, he thought I was younger....we had a fun year until the modeling agency he worked for sent him to Hollywood. I still smile when I think of him. ;) Read my poem 'arousal' before he comes over....enough advice? Oh and take a deep breath....remember to breath. ;) Any of the guys got some suggestions?
TallPockets
"Any of the guys got some suggestions?" -- Well, I play a 'man' in real life - wink - First, Netsia? Victoria's secret? You naughty little lady. WINK. -- AusPoet - trust your 'gut'. Take your time. If it's meant to be, it will be. BTW, V o t e. (now, it's off to Victoria's secret to find Netsia something?). lol.